I Mostly Talked Because She Doesnt Have A Voice

I came in and asked her how she was.  She said she doesn’t have a voice – I have to do all the talking.  We laughed saying that’s easy for me to do.  I do that a lot anyway and I have a lot to talk about today.  I asked her how the horse derby was.  She said very nice and what beautiful weather.  I told her what I remembered what she told me – not everything but some.  It’s her friend’s husband who’s in charge of the organization for the fund raising.  At least I remembered some.    I told her I had absolutely no shame.  Not at all.  It was so nice!  She was very happy for me.  Even though I had an accident and a half I was OK about it.  Such a relief not to feel the shame.  And I was able to not do the escalating very well especially walking around 5 times.  She said yes it was 5 times and I did real well.  She commented again how this problem doesn’t define me.  We’ve talked about that before.  I told her I want to keep practicing that but not today.  Another time.  She nodded.  I said for today I just want to wait as long as I can like I do.  I haven’t been doing very well at that and I think I’m better.    I wanted to tell her what happened when I left last Thursday.  I said I wanted to make it funny and shed some light on it even though it really wasn’t funny.  But to make it not as bad.  I told her when you have an accident and sit it spreads.  When I left it was down my crouch/legs (I showed her with my hands several inches down).  So you could see it and who knows about in back.  I had my bag with me and the magazine from her waiting room from showing her that ad.    So I went into the massage therapist real fast and sat down.  I asked her about her exchange students and she talked about ½ hour.  I like to talk to her and listen, I think it’s great, but I start to get afraid I’m going to have to go to the bathroom again.  Like last time she talked a lot about her trip.  So I just stuck with it and I was OK.  She did the 10 minutes massage and I knew I had to get up.  So I quickly went from the massage chair and scooted to the other chair real fast.  I sat down and wrote my check out to her.  Then I scooted out – walking not quite straight on so no one could see anything.  Kind of side-ways.    So I go out, open the door to the waiting area and there’s a guy out there!  I had the magazine to put back, did that and then scooted out, again, real fast holding the bag still to cover, walking wierdly.  Then I thought, ‘yeah I do need to go to the bathroom’, and went down the hall to go.  I go in and someone was in there.  Maybe that other therapist that works down the hall and at that place I volunteered at.  I told her I wasn’t sure because when we see her we’re doing the exposures and I don’t really pay attention.  We thought it was.  She said hi and then I scooted into the bathroom.  Luckily she was gone when I left but I had to scoot out, down the hall, down the stairs, out to the parking lot to my car.  Whew!  She said it’s good that I was able to deal with it and work it out.  Yes.  To continue I pulled out my list out of my purse and told her I knew it was going to be one of those weekends so I wrote things down again.  Then I started with Friday morning 8 AM how my former friend called.  How my daughter said it would be a month and it was when the friend said she’d call tomorrow.  I was friendly and she commented how happy I sounded.  I said she’s always calling me up with her woes.  And, maybe I was still happy, feeling so good from not feeling the shame.  She thought that was so good and also good for my self esteem.  Yes.  I told her maybe she moved and when I asked her how her house was we got disconnected.  Usually I don’t call back because I don’t want to deal with her nonsense.  She asked if she does that a lot.  Yes.  But this time I called back, she didn’t answer but she did call me back a couple minutes later.  I didn’t ask her about the house but we talked.  She has a way of putting people up for her sales (she’s a super sales person) and also a way of putting people down when she wants to.  She did that about me going to the massage therapist (why do I go but I said to her she’s gone before) and why I just talk to her (she said she wouldn’t and would just let her ‘do her’).  My therapist knows, why I talk so much but she doesn’t.    My therapist said it’s a shame that there are people out there like her treating people like that.  I told her how I miss the friendship and the ‘sisterly’ thing but I don’t miss all the lying, promises and such.  And how we are so glad I’ve gotten over that.  Even feeling bad if she did move (I don’t know for sure) and for the first time didn’t have me help but that’s OK.  She said how much I’ve grown on this.  I also said how I gave her the massage therapist’s number and I have to remind her not to let her know I see a therapist there.  She said it’s a good idea to remind her of that.  And she said she’s call me back in a half hour and of course she didn’t.  I said how I was feeling bad a little with her put downs making me feel like I shouldn’t do or feel the way I do.  But I shouldn’t.  She said there is nothing wrong with seeing a massage therapist and nothing wrong with just talking during it.  Her husband sees either of them there every once in a while (maybe once a month) and he talks the whole time, too.  And I said even seeing a therapist it’s not a bad thing and maybe even good that I do.  Others that don’t and really need to it’s not very good.  She agreed.  She wouldn’t find out but if she ever does she said to tell her I’m finally getting help for my problem and it’s working.  I’m not sure about that.  So I went to the post office with my stuff and everyone knows me there and is real friendly.  They had to say their, “Bye, my name’s” one by one.  All 4 of them!  So it made me feel better like people do like me.    Saturday … the garage sale.  My little grandson was super – my helper, my partner.  She thought that was special for both of us.  I even found him a fanny pack which happened to be my best friend who died and there was some Oxycotin in there from when she had her cancer.  Another reference to her.  I use the one from my Dad when he was in the army to store his toiletries (to put the money).  And how my grandson learned to ride a 2 wheeler without training wheels.  He was so proud of himself.  I bought him a bigger bike but he wasn’t ready so I got him a smaller one to feel successful and it worked.  My middle son is so athletic and was riding without training wheels at 4 years old.  My youngest son OK on sports by my grandson is more like my youngest.    She asked how my granddaughter felt about that and I said I got her puzzles that her Dad thought was too easy for her.  She was getting tired of sitting there when they took her prosthesis off.  But sometimes she was inside and didn’t see.  Also how my daughter and her boyfriend really likes the “family” thing – unlike my boys yet and I’m hoping that will come later.  The garage sale was a family thing and was very nice.  I said how many people thought I was my grandson’s Mom and also someone said how clean my garage sale was.  I often get comments how organized it is.    At one point my husband had to pick up some dog food at a vet and bring it to our friends house who was away out of town at a college family day.  So he was gone for a while and it was before everyone was there.  It was just my grandson and I.  At one point I started getting scared and thinking, “When did I go to the bathroom last?”  I didn’t have to go but I started worrying .  She asked me in time when that is.  Depending on how much I’ve drinken I said around 45 minutes to an hour.  I can go longer than that and sometimes shorter.  I told her I sat down, then did other things.  If I needed to go I couldn’t leave with people there or if not I couldn’t leave with my grandson there by himself.  She asked me how long before my husband came back.  10 – 15 minutes and then I went right to the bathroom.  She smiled.  But I really did OK and didn’t make myself to have to go with that worrying about it.  That was good.    Not this year, but last year, when we were testing with those diapers we had those “itchy, scratch” diapers.  I will never wear them.  Those pull up ones – OK – I don’t like them but better than those others.  Maybe one had the tapes.  And, my granddaughter had to use them before she was potty trained when she had her body cast.  Maybe someone can use them.  They are 15.00 a package and these were only a few dollars.  Last year I had them kind of hidden, in a box.  This time I took them out, just a little hidden.  My daughter kept looking at them saying some free cycle place could use them.  Several times she referenced to it and I just wanted her to shut up about them.  I didn’t even want to look at them.  I’m hoping she doesn’t relate them to me and just to my granddaughter’s.  My therapist thought maybe she thought I just had them around for her at the time and she doesn’t know what they mean to me.    Then we started talking about yesterday – Sunday.  My daughter told me they gave my granddaughter Zofran and they have more for later if needed.  Thank you!  She just had chemo on Thursday.  She knew the kids were going to come with us.  We had to meet at a friend’s house, then go to a tour, picnic, museum and then further away to apple picking.    I started to tell her more but I needed to go to the bathroom.  I glanced at the clock and asked her if she’d watch it for me.  Yes.  I started to tell her about the conflict between a couple people in our group about being late.  I tried to tell the story and I couldn’t concentrate.  Later she asked me why.  I told her I had to concentrate on not going to the bathroom and just couldn’t think.  So I asked her to just talk.  She smiled and pointed to her throat.  I smiled, “Sorry, your throat.  You can just whisper.”   So she thought a moment of what to say and told me more about the horse derby.  How it was for the very rich, teams, 4 horses, you have to pay a fee to get in, it’s for mentally and physically disabled kids to do therapy even on the horses and such.  I tried to listen and ask questions but I don’t know how good I was at it.    When I asked her to just talk she said I was at 4 minutes.  She asked me if I wanted to go and that’s when I told her no, I wanted to wait longer.  So she talked for 3 minutes because she told me I waited 7 minutes.  I was moving a little, wincing and trying to hold it.  Once I said, “Oh my God.”  That’s when she asked me if I wanted to go and said, “Yes,” and did.  I came back and she told me I did really well and not escalating it.  I said yes and I didn’t go to the bathroom at all.  That was great!  Yes.  She asked me how much I went if it warranted it having to go.  “Yes, I really needed to go,” I told her.  I said again how I want to keep practicing this.  Not ready to go next door yet but we will.    She said a couple times (maybe 3 separate times) how she thought about that article I brought last time and read.  I tell her how I have to go preventatively sometimes especially when I’m out.  She said yes, I do.  But I really need to wait as long as I can to expand my bladder to hold more when I’m at home and can do this.  And, drink more I added saying that helps, too.  I said how I couldn’t do it this weekend but at home I can.  I did slide back a little before but I’m getting better at it again.  She said I’m so much more improved, too with not feeling the shame.  It’s so nice.  I told her yes it really is.  I do get afraid I’ll slide back again because when I get into that shame mode it’s hard to get out of it.  But I want to keep feeling the no shame.  So after I got back and could talk again I continued about yesterday.  I jokingly told her, “I won’t make you talk anymore.”  She smiled.  First I had to change the Monday Sept 28 date to Tuesday.  She said that’s great because she has a meeting that day and time and had to talk to me about it anyway (I think 11AM would have been OK but I preferred Tuesday).  We both said how this is the second time this has happened and it worked out.  Then she said she has to talk to me about 2 times she won’t be here so I know how to figure insurance to the end of the year.  I said, “I hope it’s not for a whole week again!”  It is – both times.  October 26 she’s going to San Francisco again to be with her husband’s family and December 2 she’s having her reconstructive surgery.  They said to be out 2 weeks but she might be able to see me that next Thursday.  She said we’ll talk about it later.  Oh, no – being gone a whole week again.  She knows how I hate that.  She said something about that I don’t get sick, she’s never seen me sick except for the diverticulitis (yes that’s gone – no more pain).  I’m not sure what she meant by that to have to do with it.  I told her I get colds sometimes.    So I told her about one guy saying the map thing was my fault and I just fought back without him knowing it bothered me.  And like he was yelling at me for wanting to take off without the other person, who’s always late and it’s a control thing.  She mentioned how he has problems dealing with people.  I said yes, he’s not working because of that.  It’s his wife that has the OCD.  She asked if she works – yes.  But they do OK and they are the ones who live below their means and the coupon thing.  Once my daughter saw him and their son in the psychiatrist office when she was there with my grandson getting his Concerta (for AHDD).  She said it was awkward.    So he’s yelling at me about this other guy and I just said, “Ok, I’m going to the bathroom.”  I wanted to go right before we left anyway.  Then he yells at me, “Now, you’re going to the bathroom!”  I told him how fast I am.  It’s hard to get so many people moving, they are much slower than I am anyway, so I was done before they were all at the door so I said to him, “See!”   So we all finally left and later at dinner we were talking about our Amish Country trip and I don’t know who’s going with us.  Maybe the late guy and his annoying friend (it’s OK to be friendly and talkative but she’s annoying – used to work with my mother-in-law and her kids went to school with mine) but that’s something we’ll talk about later.  Once again we referred to that trip and I said the same.  She agreed, laughing a little with me.  We’ll talk more about that when it gets closer.  I told her I went to the bathroom 10 times during that day.  And if I’m exaggerating it was 8 or 9 times.  I just went when ever I saw a bathroom or when we were going somewhere.  I tried to do it when people didn’t see.  Once was during a movie and they saw but oh, well.  She asked me if I was just afraid.  Yes.  But I did real well.  I didn’t have any accidents – I was fine.  Even going home from apple picking it was longer and I was fine.  I hadn’t drinken anything.  I also said how I was going to say something about stopping when we were going to first leave but I didn’t.  If I would say for the kids (we talked about that last week) they would know, and say, it’s really for me.  She smiled.  Also, I didn’t because I knew I had to say something for our trip to Amish Country.  I didn’t want to call more undue attention to it.    One time, though, when we were out apple picking I was able to be by myself which was great.  Those grandkids are so demanding.  I started thinking again, “When was the last time I went to the bathroom?”  Then I, like we had alluded to last time (she smiled, she remembered) started to look around just in case I needed to go inconspicuously.  But I didn’t want to have to do that.  I saw a building.  Then the apple orchards.  I thought maybe I should because I didn’t know when we’d be going back.  So I’m just looking around think and just then my friend comes around the corner!  Good thing I didn’t.  She smiled.  We were talking last time (or really alluding to it) about squatting down and going out there, in an inconspicuous spot, if I needed to.    This place was not like the one we usually go to (she’s gone to that old one before) with  more people, a country store and such.  It was smaller, quieter and family owned and they were very nice.  It was Grandparents Day and my husband and I got these little donuts.  My friend said, “Can you believe she’s a grandmother!”  She smiled.  She knows how that always makes me feel good about myself along with people thinking I’m my grandkids Mom and not Grandmother.  I told her at lunch I knew I had to tell everyone about Amish Country.  I was a little nervous about it not wanting conflicts.  And because that one person thinking I’m too much of a take charge person.  But someone has to do it and my therapist says how good I am at it.  So I went into it as my self confident self and just talked and everyone listened.  I was firm and gave them other information about it.  She said that was great.     I had to tell them that the brochure says it takes 2 ½ hours to get there but the guy told me 2 ¾ to 3 hours if we stop.  We are going to stop!  I even said maybe 2 times.  So I thought out loud with her - 1 or 2 times.  I will go at 8:30 before we leave and then we’ll get there about 11:30.  I asked her what she thought.  She said if I get up early and drink first and not drink on the trip I may need to just stop one time.  I told her how I need my one wake up.  She said to do it all at home.  Then I can go to the bathroom before we leave with everyone.  If not, say we are going to stop 2 times – after 1 hour each.  I said I’d want to stop before I really have to go because I don’t want to have to go and not be able to find a bathroom in time.  So when I did tell them they didn’t say a word, just listened.  She thought that was great.  I told her I don’t know what they were thinking though.  Once she asked about the people in the car.  One knows about it because we took many family vacations together when the kids were little.  She first asked what he would say and that’s when I said he knows.  Plus, before we went apple picking he asked me if we were stopping along the way.  I said I just went, I don’t know what will happen so he decided to go, too.  But his friend knows nothing.  And it’s different with other people in the car.  She asked if we’d be following each other and both cars would have to stop.  I said probably going out there because we don’t know where we are going.  But maybe not on the way back.  I also said I asked the guy (I’ve talked to him a lot) about bathrooms.  He said he as one, the lady has one and then I asked about in town at the shops.  She thought maybe outhouses.  I said he said not to count on it in the town.  Plus we are taking a CD car tour.  Once when I was talking she interrupted me and told me she’s envisioning me inventing something that I could wear that I’d be able to pull down and cover if I’d have an accident.  She said she knows I don’t like wearing long shirts but something to fold over.  We kind of fooled with our shirts to try to figure something folding over.  In thinking, maybe she’s talking about pants.  She said it would be good, too for some of these sites I’m on with people who have the same problem as I do and don’t know how to deal with it either.  I told her it would work with shorts, as we know what happens when I have an accident with shorts on.  But it wouldn’t with pants because it goes all down the legs and it wouldn’t cover it all up.    Then I talked to her about what happened before we left the museum and going to apple picking.  I glanced at the clock and saw time was about up.  “I’ll talk fast,” I told her.  The kids hadn’t gone to the bathroom all day.  I told my daughter they should go and she went off on me that they don’t need to.  Well, my grandson ended up going and then I walked over to her boyfriend with my granddaughter and I couldn’t even say it out loud.  “No, No!  Absolutely not!  Don’t even say it or she will and it’ll take too long.”  He was like yelling at me and I almost started crying.  That’s not right.  They were coming in our car and I didn’t want them to have to go and then possibly having an accident.  I don’t want that to happen to them because I know what it’s like.  I thought it could be a good excuse for me to stop but again but no,  I don’t want them to have to go through that.  Everybody goes to the bathroom before they go somewhere – everyone does!  I said how they both made me feel so badly for asking.  Really bad.  Just like at the zoo it happened.  She said you should get a child to go, especially if it’s been after 3 hours before you go on a long car ride.  Yes, they didn’t go since before they left their house.  She said something about whatever issues they have about it and maybe sometime get my daughter aside and just say something to her.  She said it perfectly and I told her I wish she could do it for me.  To tell her I know I have to go to the bathroom a lot but they should go before long car rides and I’m worried they will have an accident in my car.  I didn’t say but I still don’t think that will work because she’d say they will be fine.  I wish it would, and like I say, if she’d say it.  My daughter can be stubborn.  And, her boyfriend, too.  I told her how my granddaughter did not even have to go in our car and commented how she’s 4 and has a better bladder than I do.  My therapist didn’t comment and probably thought a lot of people have a better bladder than I do but didn’t want to hurt my feelings.  But we did talk today how I’m improving so much on this.  Yeah … if I can only continue it.  That would be great!  At the end I remembered one more thing – really 2.  I told her I’d tell her quick while I’m writing out her check.  My grandson’s tummy hurt so bad he didn’t eat or drink anything at dinner.  I think he got overly hungry and his tummy just wouldn’t stop hurting.  I’m hoping he’s not sick because I’ve been with him the last 2 days.  I worry.  My daughter said he ate lot this morning.  My granddaughter finished every thing (she smiled) and he ate or drank nothing.  My granddaughter does have a weight problem and she sat next to me and didn’t stop talking.  Didn’t stop!  And, then my daughter came back from the bathroom and said there was a guy in the men’s bathroom puking in a cup.  That’s all I needed to hear!  So I finished the check.  She thought it was the 15th, it’s the 14th and I asked her where she got her cold.  She said probably traveling – maybe on the airplane.  I said how she said the boat was really crowded.  I got up, noticed the bag I had brought next to me.  I handed it to her, “Here, this is for you.”  She knows it’s my extra clothes to keep here.  I didn’t say but I am getting better about it.  In the past I would give it to her right away for her to put it away quickly so I wouldn’t see it to remind me of having accidents.  She took the bag and I left telling her to feel better.  I went to the massage therapist and she was not there when I got out.  I’m wondering if she felt bad and went home.  If she did I hope she feels better real soon and if so that’s real sweet that she stayed for me.    My massage therapist wasn’t in there yet so I hung around the door, taking a mint.  She came in.  She was actually at the chiropractor downstairs talking to them.  I asked her if that friend of mine called her.  She said she actually did and that’s why she was down there talking to them.  My friend’s been having vertigo and she recommended them and wondered if she called.  She did but they didn’t connect and maybe she’d even stop by and see her (my massage therapist).  That’s all I need.  So I again emphasized that she never knows I see my therapist.  She said she won’t.    When I was leaving my cell phone rang and it was the guy from Amish Country calling to say the lady has to cancel for Saturday Sept 26 because she has an auction she needs to go to.  So he will try to find someone else to do it.  I told her and she showed interest in going on the 26th with us with her husband to be the 7th & 8th persons.  But she was confused that she had to cancel.  I told her I’d let her know.  But she would have come with us.  And she talks to me about stuff.  My therapist is so terrific with me but won’t even come over to see my collections and doesn’t seem to share very much with me unless I ask and I hate to do that sometimes.  I don’t quite understand it.  What can I say?