I miss you so much but I think I'm done waiting.
Do you remember the very first day we met? It was September 7, 2011. I remember that exact date because I knew it would change my life forever. I remember sitting in math class speaking with my best friend. I remember we were talking about our greatest struggles in life. It was ironic because I never knew you would be my greatest struggle two, almost three years down the road. I turned my head and caught the very first glimpse of you. You walked straight past my desk and I completely forgot about where I was. Do you remember when we first made eye contact? I do. You sat down two rows beside me, looked at me, and smiled. I don't even remember if I smiled back. I just remember looking at you like you were some kind of god. You were and are and will always be the only person that could put in a trance like that. You're so fucking beautiful and it tears me apart every time I think of you.
Do you remember the first time we hugged? I do. It was in the middle of freshman year. I transferred into your algebra class and I remember seeing you and smiling as soon as we made eye contact. At the end of class you stood, grabbed my hand, helped me up, and wrapped your arms around me. My best friend was in that class. But I still only focused on you. your arms felt warm around me. You smelled like a mix of lavender and vanilla and your your heart was beating rapidly against my ear. Your hands were trembling against my back and I wanted to ask why but I was afraid I would offend you if it was a medical condition. So I didn't bother you about it. We walked together in the hallway afterwards. We were so happy.
Do you remember the first time we held hands? I do. I couldn't even believe what was happening. It was January 3, 2013. Last year. My heart was beating so fast it terrified me. I thought I was going to fall over from happiness. It was finally happening. We climbed onto the bus and sat next to each other although we were surrounded by empty seats. We could have sat alone near each other but that wouldn't have compared to being with each other. We were so happy as we sat there giggling over our stupid, pointless jokes. We were so happy as I laid my head on your chest and you wrapped your arms around my waist. We were so happy as you sang the song lyrics gently in my ear under your breath. Even though people watched us and tried speaking to us, we never responded. Was it because you didn't hear them? Or was it because I was the only one you wanted to be with? I know I didn't respond because I was too focused on you to realize they were talking to us. We were so happy.
Do you remember the first time we almost kissed? Our lips were inches apart. But I had to go to my concert. I was so upset that I couldn't feel your lips on mine but I convinced myself I would feel them soon. The next day, maybe? My best friend texted me that night. She told me you guys had kissed right after you walked me to the auditorium and wished me good luck in my concert. She said your lips were soft and tasted like mint. I saw it right before I went on stage and messed up my choreography almost every step I took. I was so distracted from you. But you were so happy.
Do you remember when I texted you about how I felt? How I said it was three in the morning and the only thing I could think about was you? When I closed my eyes and thought about that almost-kiss we shared months before, I could practically feel your breath on my lips again. But as soon as our lips touched I woke up crying. The only thing I learned from those lonely nights is that you can't dream of something that can never happen. I texted that to you and you didn't respond. I cried the rest of the night and early morning. When it came time to go to school, I went into the bathroom and nearly threw up. I told my mom I was sick and didn't sleep the night before. but she never questioned why my eyes were red and puffy and guarded by dark circles. Maybe she already knew. Maybe she didn't. But it didn't really matter. I stayed home that day crying. I lost twelve pounds throughout that week. I told everyone it was because of my concussion. I told them that my appetite had gone away and I wasn't hungry for some reason. That wasn't a lie but I can assure you that it wasn't because of the concussion. I wrote you letters but never sent them; I never gave them to you. I didn't want to humiliate myself anymore than I already had. I saw you with your girlfriend two days after I texted you. you were smiling and kissing her hand as your fingers were intertwined. You were so happy.
Nothing has changed since then. Your girlfriend is beautiful and you two are happy together. I see you smiling with her every time I look at you. Every time I get a glimpse at you from the corner of my eye in the hallway. I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of draining my emotions on you, I'm tired of not sleeping for days at a time, I'm tired of not being able to focus in class, and I'm absolutely so fucking tired of loving you when you don't even pay attention to me anymore. You treat me like I don't exist and it tears me apart every second.
I thought I wouldn't make it one day. I sat alone in my room staring at my blank wall at two in the morning contemplating how I should take my life. When the sun rose that morning I had decided that I would try for another week. I don't know why. Something told me to wait, that it wasn't my time yet. Being as religious as I can be, I do in fact believe it was God. I was told to wait and think it over. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And every time I thought about taking my life, I was told to wait and think it over. And let me just tell you:
I'm sick of waiting.
Do you remember when we were happy together? I do. I remember every second of it like it happened two seconds ago. I often wonder if you think of me. Or if you every think of us. Because we were so happy. And seeing as that's drained away from my life, I hope you're as happy as you were when we were happy together.
Do you remember the first time we hugged? I do. It was in the middle of freshman year. I transferred into your algebra class and I remember seeing you and smiling as soon as we made eye contact. At the end of class you stood, grabbed my hand, helped me up, and wrapped your arms around me. My best friend was in that class. But I still only focused on you. your arms felt warm around me. You smelled like a mix of lavender and vanilla and your your heart was beating rapidly against my ear. Your hands were trembling against my back and I wanted to ask why but I was afraid I would offend you if it was a medical condition. So I didn't bother you about it. We walked together in the hallway afterwards. We were so happy.
Do you remember the first time we held hands? I do. I couldn't even believe what was happening. It was January 3, 2013. Last year. My heart was beating so fast it terrified me. I thought I was going to fall over from happiness. It was finally happening. We climbed onto the bus and sat next to each other although we were surrounded by empty seats. We could have sat alone near each other but that wouldn't have compared to being with each other. We were so happy as we sat there giggling over our stupid, pointless jokes. We were so happy as I laid my head on your chest and you wrapped your arms around my waist. We were so happy as you sang the song lyrics gently in my ear under your breath. Even though people watched us and tried speaking to us, we never responded. Was it because you didn't hear them? Or was it because I was the only one you wanted to be with? I know I didn't respond because I was too focused on you to realize they were talking to us. We were so happy.
Do you remember the first time we almost kissed? Our lips were inches apart. But I had to go to my concert. I was so upset that I couldn't feel your lips on mine but I convinced myself I would feel them soon. The next day, maybe? My best friend texted me that night. She told me you guys had kissed right after you walked me to the auditorium and wished me good luck in my concert. She said your lips were soft and tasted like mint. I saw it right before I went on stage and messed up my choreography almost every step I took. I was so distracted from you. But you were so happy.
Do you remember when I texted you about how I felt? How I said it was three in the morning and the only thing I could think about was you? When I closed my eyes and thought about that almost-kiss we shared months before, I could practically feel your breath on my lips again. But as soon as our lips touched I woke up crying. The only thing I learned from those lonely nights is that you can't dream of something that can never happen. I texted that to you and you didn't respond. I cried the rest of the night and early morning. When it came time to go to school, I went into the bathroom and nearly threw up. I told my mom I was sick and didn't sleep the night before. but she never questioned why my eyes were red and puffy and guarded by dark circles. Maybe she already knew. Maybe she didn't. But it didn't really matter. I stayed home that day crying. I lost twelve pounds throughout that week. I told everyone it was because of my concussion. I told them that my appetite had gone away and I wasn't hungry for some reason. That wasn't a lie but I can assure you that it wasn't because of the concussion. I wrote you letters but never sent them; I never gave them to you. I didn't want to humiliate myself anymore than I already had. I saw you with your girlfriend two days after I texted you. you were smiling and kissing her hand as your fingers were intertwined. You were so happy.
Nothing has changed since then. Your girlfriend is beautiful and you two are happy together. I see you smiling with her every time I look at you. Every time I get a glimpse at you from the corner of my eye in the hallway. I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of draining my emotions on you, I'm tired of not sleeping for days at a time, I'm tired of not being able to focus in class, and I'm absolutely so fucking tired of loving you when you don't even pay attention to me anymore. You treat me like I don't exist and it tears me apart every second.
I thought I wouldn't make it one day. I sat alone in my room staring at my blank wall at two in the morning contemplating how I should take my life. When the sun rose that morning I had decided that I would try for another week. I don't know why. Something told me to wait, that it wasn't my time yet. Being as religious as I can be, I do in fact believe it was God. I was told to wait and think it over. So I waited. And waited. And waited. And every time I thought about taking my life, I was told to wait and think it over. And let me just tell you:
I'm sick of waiting.
Do you remember when we were happy together? I do. I remember every second of it like it happened two seconds ago. I often wonder if you think of me. Or if you every think of us. Because we were so happy. And seeing as that's drained away from my life, I hope you're as happy as you were when we were happy together.
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