I miss my son Jacob so much
Last night was awful, I hate when suddenly I loose my sh*t as if I had just received the phone call that he was gone. It's absolutely one of hardest things to cope with. I cried so hard I gave myself a sore throat. I'm a little better now... My throat hurts but I'm coping. Thing is I'm starting to become hyper vigilant in every aspect of my life now, it's anxiety but now I'm waiting for "the phone call" Again and again... I can tell myself and be rational which I am... I know in my mind I will never receive that call/told he is gone ever again but my heart is so broken it doesn't understand what my mind is telling it.
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i understand the hyper vigilance. it’s exhausting.
healing hugs xxx
here if you need a friend (((sharyn)))
Thank you for understanding the hyper vigilant comment. When my son killed himself everyone in the family of course was hurting but it wasn't together. I was left alone to try and figure out how to survive. 2 siblings no longer speak to me, friends I had since he was born no longer call. My dad felt it was his fault (as if he failed my son and me, which he hadn't) refused to speak to me until I sent him an email 4-5 months after Jacob died and said am I supposed to grieve loosing my dad as well? He called me the next day. Thank god because he died within the month. He was buried clasping a locket with my sons ashes. My daughter thinks I compare our losses which is not at all true. I have not lost my only sibling but I have lost my only son. She is a mother and I can't for the life of me understand how she treats me. I finally have acknowledged that I am not in a position where I will understand and what she feels, says, does is how she is coping and whether or not I like it I have to respect her because she is not only my daughter she is a human being.
grief is a messy process. healing hugs as you sort xxx
hyper vigilance is flat out exhausting. its getting me today.