I miss me.....

I have been an amputee for 3 and half years and I still find it difficult to deal with the loss of independence.  I was the type of person who had my hands in everything and loved solving problems.  I was there for anybody who needed help.  If I was having a bad day I could jump in the car, go for a walk or clean house.  Simple things that took me no time at all, now have become a monumental task.  Instead of being the one to help others, I now must ask for help.  Even when you have someone to help you I find myself judging their reactions and how well they listen to me.  I seem to lose patience so easily, becoming very frustrated with the way people do things.  I have tried to keep my pity parties to a short time, but I find it harder to do these days.  

I miss me, the person I used to be.  I am mad at myself for not being able to maintain me despite losing so much.  I thought I was stronger than this.  Maybe it's the constant pain, fatique and the fact that the rest of body seems to want to quit working, that I am so lost.  Even writing has become more painful as my mind is filled with so many things and I have a hard time sorting through and keeping a line of thought straight.

Family and friends try to understand what I am going through, but they have no clue.  I love them but I need to be able to talk with someone who understands but can offer fresh ideas and thinking out of the box.  I need help to make the rest of my life work and to find the person I was.