I miss him so terribly
I have committed to being honest with myself and you all, my new-found supporters. I am so sad because I just miss my son. The sadness comes in great big waves. It knocks me down and don't know if I can get up again. There are lot of reasons for me to get up but it's so hard. I feel empty. And so very sad.
Replies
I remember feeling those waves of emotion. It\'s like traveling in a river. Sometimes the water is calm and we tread through the day, other times, chaotic and we get pulled under. It takes time, alot of time, but you will learn to balance those ups and downs. The intensity of our grief is always fluctuating in those early months and perhaps that first year. That intensity may also last a few minutes to a few days. Never give up! It is all a normal part of this process and I hope our love and support on these difficult days such as today will help lighten your burden if even a bit. Be gentle withyourself and tell that dark cloud to not overstay it\'s welcome. Love to you. Robin
i am so terribly sorry for you loss. my son passed a year ago this coming oct 29th. his birthday was oct 19 and he would have been 28. he was my only child and i loved him so. i now what true overwhelming, hit you in the face grief is. when we love with all we have, we grieve with all we have. i am glad you found this site, not glad for the reason you found this site, but i hope you find the comfort and support you need right now. love, donna
Gari, you do have to be honest - pretending isn\'t going to help you at all. We have all been - and still do get - knocked down and it IS hard to get back up. I once had a therapist tell me to allow myself to be in \'that state\' for a while but to make myself a promise that it would be for a set amount of time. In other words, okay: I am depressed and will allow myself 24 hours to experience the sadness and then, hell or high water, pick myself up and determine to make the next 24 hours better. It has helped me on this journey - if only to remind me that, like it or not, my heart has been broken and I need to be patient and gentle with myself. Trying to force my way through the pain only made it worse. Gosh, but I hope this makes sense... Barbara
Gari,
Honesty is so important, sometimes I still hold back, but I am honest with myself. Over these 9 months I have felt like I could possibly be going insane. Missing is for me the hardest part of this journey, my faith has helped me in so many ways, but not with the \"I miss my son\" feelings I have everyday.
Keep sharing and writing, as it helps everyone here, and hopefully we can help you as well.
God bless with love and light, Rebecca
Gari, you are so right...it does come in big waves. Some times it\'s easier to get up than other times. Just keep trying and taking one step at a time. It is so much better to be honest with your feelings. It will help you in the long run. Keep sharing.....as we all go thru this together. Hugs, Kim
Losing a child is the worst thing that can happen to a mom. It is the saddest thing ever. I never knew that sorrow could cause real, physical pain....but it does. I do want you to know that it changes. One day it will not hurt all day...I wish I could tell you that it goes away...but it doesn\'t...it can\'t...because we now have a hole in our heart and that hole could only be filled with our child. I am so glad that you shared today...love and hugs...Karen
i know how you feel even though i lost keagan in march im hopeing that things get better.
Gari,
The others are right - you need to be honest with yourself and let the feelings come - and go and come again. It is truly such a heart breaking experience. Unfortunately, there were several others deaths within a short period of time - before my son died, and I was able to talk with them on many different occasions. Even though they were ahead of me in the time of their grief process, I kept selfishly thinking that they could never have felt as bad as I do now - even though I knew they must have loved their sons as much as I loved mine. Our sons are all buried very near to each other in the cemetary and we would often unintentionally find ourselves meeting there within a few minutes of each other - maybe not all of us, but usually one or two of us. It was as if we each had this intense need and feeling of \"I miss you so much, and this is the only place I can go to be with you\" - at the same moments of the day or evening. It was an uncanny and unusual experience - each knowing what the other felt - and then we sometimes hugged and cried together , or talked about our feelings of loss and lonliness, yet also share with each other those precious moments we missed so much. We also talked about our anger; one boy died from cancer, and his mom watched him suffer - yet she was angry at the doctors for not being able to cure him and save him. He was an athlete and in his Sr. year of HS. Another boy was on a riding lawn mower and when he stepped off because it had begun to rain, he was electrocuted by an underground electric cable that had not been properly grounded by the electric company. Two other boys had died in car accidents - both weather related - one during the winter, where his girlfriend was with him and also died - it was Dec. 23rd and they had gone Christmas shopping. The other boy was going to fast in a sudden downpour of rain and his car hydroplaned into a tree. Another boy was also killed in a car accident because the boy he was riding with was speeding to get by a big farm tractor and the car went our of control. The boy driving survived. Another boy took his own life - left no note - totally unsuspected - a good student in school, star athlete, popular - had not seemed depressed to anyone who knew him. Another boy was died in the militray, but not a war. He was on maneuvers, and one of the guns that was supposed to have blank cartridges was actually loaded with live ammunition - he was accidentally shot by another soldier in his group. As time went on, we began to realize that our sons were still so much a part of our lives, and we began to talk about other things in our lives that were happening now - and could even smile and laugh once in awhile. I did not personally know these moms before. We live in a small town, so I knew who they were and who their sons were and how they died, but I had not associated with them, nor had our sons been friends. We remained very close for a long time, and although we still occasionally see each other, we each eventually returned to a \"new normal\" in our lives - and each instinctively knowing how the other feels when our sons\' birthdays roll around, or the holidays are approaching. It does take a long time, but you will eventually come to a sense of peace with your \"new normal\" - and your son will still be a part of your life. Of course I still miss him, and certainly wish he could magically appear back in my life, but have come to the acceptance that cannot be - not the way I wish it could be.
Not long ago, I was cleaning out my attic and came across the box of things that I had saved of my son\'s = letters he had written or I had written to him - and just other things of his I could not seem to part with at the time (and it took me 4 years before I could finish doing that). Iooked through the box, now with nostalgia instead of deep sorrow, and decided that maybe there were a few more things I could now part with. There was his cologne he wore and deodorant I had put in the box, and at first I thought I should just toss that out. But then I opened the tops and I could \"smell\" him (well, the cologne and deodorant really), but I also felt his presence with me - and decided to keep these two things - it\'s been 14 years, and I suspect now they will stay there many more years. It\'s like a sweet breath of fresh air to smell \"him\" again, without the overpowering sadness that I had when he died, and for even several years after.
The waves of pain become smaller and less consuming. That first year I broke my life into segments of 30 minutes at a time - \"I can get thriough the next 30 minutes, even though there were times I spent hours of not being able to get through the next 5 minutes. None of this \"one day at a time\" stuff for me at first. Gradually, 30 minutes became and hour, then 2 hours, then half a day....small steps....let yourself take small steps.
My heart goes out to all mothers who are faced with this terrible tragic experience.
I am so glad that you let us know how you are feeling.. sometimes it feels like a rollar coaster ride and I want off.. the pain can come in waves and then go away for a bit.. I am 14 months into this journey and it does change.. it does not get easier just different and the pain changes to a dull ache and then one day you laugh and look around to see who is laughing.. just take one day at a time and one hour at a time.. love to you..
Thanks so much to you who have shared above. Hearing these words from you - other Moms who know exactly what I am going through -- gives me hope. It\'s one thing for well-intentioned folks with family intact to give their advice. Quite another to hear from you all. You know. You\'ve been there. We are in this together - and not as alone as we might think. Bless you all.
It has been 7mos for my own loss of my wonderful, sweet son who was going to turn 30 this past July. We were very close and shared deep thoughts and could talk about anything. I miss him terribly and I feel just like you do. It is so unfair to lose our \"babies\"....I do know this...that without God I could do nothing. My peace comes from Him and I have had to shout and rage...pray and pray..and keep on praying. It has been an emotional gut wrenching experience that has made me mad at the Father I have prayed to for much of my life...especially, wondering why He did not protect my son in the way that I would have wanted. I have had to conclude that my son is with God and that is the only peace i can have as a Christian mother who raised a Christian son. On some days, I can hardly begin to describe the horribleness of not being able to call him up...or hear his voice...see his smile....talk and talk and talk....I am sickened by it all on some days..some worse than others. I remember the first 3 months were incomprehensible to me....the shock, the whys, the hole in my heart, all things emotional.....I stayed in bed most days and did not eat unless begged by my husband and even that made me sick. I hope you can know by these posts and descriptions that you are not alone....that the world is full of loss but the one hope is God...that He allows us life everlasting and that is our Hope...our Comfort...our Salvation. This is all I know to add. You will be included in my prayers for the moms on here. There is no formula that I can offer for quick grief recovery...ours is a lifelong struggle of \"missing\" but I am told we will cope again one day. I am waiting.....
love to you my friend.....
Dale...Brandon\'s Mom
I\'m so sorry for your loss. Such a handsome young man. I have to be honest. it;s been 4 years since my Brittany passed & I miss her more than ever, Some days are better than others, but my heart still has this horrible ache that I don\'t think will never go away. I\'m here for you if you need to talk. Please take care. My thoughts & prayers are with you/ Love, Elly