I miss him so much...

I'm really trying to keep busy. Trying to get out of the house or else I'll end up going insane. Or that's what it feels like anyway. I guess what I'm really scared of is the more time I spend alone the more likely I am to self-harm or something similar. I hate that I can't trust myself. Even worse I hate that people can't trust me anymore. Well, my mum mostly.
Monty, is as you probably guessed, still missing. I feel like my heart is constantly being ripped out of my chest. I looked at some old videos I'd taken with my phone. He's such a beautiful cat. I can't bear to use past-tense. Some people have already started doing that. Like he's never coming back. I can't bear to think that about him.
A part of me is so angry. I've already lost Odie, and it was in a horrible way. Now Monty is missing. I must have been a real asshole or something in a past life, but why do my animals have the price for whatever I did? They're innocent in all this. It's not right. I keep begging God to bring Monty home safe and sound, but I did the same where Odie was concerned and it didn't help me any.
It's really hard at home. Mum doesn't want to talk about Monty. I can't stop talking about him. He's all I think about. I can't sleep until I'm absolutely exhausted. Last night I took 2 diazepam cause I was just too stressed out.
Well I've gotta go. At the clubhouse and we're doing a technology class. At least it'll keep my mind off Monty for a while.