I miss him.

I miss him so much. He was my best friend. I cant get over this.
My grandfather passed away when i was 11 years old. We were really close. I heard his last breath. I went in the room right after he had passed and i saw him laying there with his eyes wide open and his mouth open and his back was arched. At that moment, i ran out of the room crying my eyes out. I ran into my area where i slept and laid down on my bed and cried some more. I was to young to loose him. He was the most important person in my life. One of the only few people who cared about me and he was gone.
My best friend was gone. He is gone. I still cant believe that after almost 11 years he is gone and never coming back. I miss him so much. I miss him. I can’t stop thinking about him passing away. I cant get the sound of his last breath out of my head, i cant the image of him after passed out of my head. I can’t believe he is gone and never coming back. I will never be able to have a conversation with him again and that hurts.
When he was dying he asked me to sit with him and he asked me to hold his hand and he told me that i was his favorite out of all the grand children and that i will always be his little girl, and that he will always love me. I sat with him for a while that night i remember. 
The day of the night he passed away, he was so out of it. He was reaching for the ceiling, saying, “Take me God, God take me”.. It scared me so much i ran and got my mom. She couldnt do anything about it though. I knew he was going to die that night, i just knew it with all my heart and soul and he did. He died. Hearing his last breath tore me apart. I just can’t believe he is gone still. I never had a chance to actually mourn his death, all i know is that i am doing that now, and i am not sure how to handle this. I have blocked this out for 11 years because i did not want todeal with the fact that my BEST FRIEND, my HERO is gone, and will never come back and i will never see him again.
He’s so important to me still, even though he is never coming back. He means the world to me and i still love him so much. He’s still important to me even though he is not physically with me anymore. I wish everyday that he was though. Every single day. There isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about him.
I feel like i let him down and if he was alive  i feel like he’d be disappointed in me. I never did what he asked. I never graduated from high school. That’s all he asked of me was to graduate from high school and go to college and i couldnt do that for him. I tried i really did. I dropped out of school, went back, dropped out, went back and then dropped out for good. I DID try. I wanted to at least do that for him, even though he wasnt alive to see me actually do it, i still wanted to feel like i did something for him. But i never did and that makes me feel so guilty. I wish i could take it all back, but i cant. All i can do is move forward and do what i need to do to get to college. I need to feel like he wouldnt be disappointed in me.
I’m so heartbroken, lost, confused, angry, numb, hurt, sad, lonely, frustrated and whatever other feelings that i cant describe come up right now. I miss him. I always will love him and miss him. He will always be my number ONE hero in my life. Nothing can ever replace him.

Replies

CactusRose3
CactusRose3

GOD BLESS YOU HON, AND I RELATE AND HEAR THE HEARTACHE IN YOUR WORDS. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU. GRIEVING IS PAINFUL TRY NOT TO DO IT ALONE. PLZ LET YOUR THERAPIST AND ALL OF US HELP (hug) L.
tabby2010
tabby2010

I am so sorry if you ever need or want to talk I am here
deleted_user
deleted_user

I so relate to the agony of losing loved ones. I pray that you will be comforted. God is always near to the brokenhearted.