I Make My Life Better
I think I finally see the light. I made the mistake of buying an eight oz jar of Moonshine at the holidays as a novelty gift for my husband and myself. Talk about enabling!! We both drank a glass. Then two weeks ago I bought an even bigger 'jar'! I drank quite a bit of it myself. Next day felt ok but a little off! More in the gut than in the head. It seems about two or three days later, I came home from work and DH was sitting in front of his computer and I thought he was ok. The next thing I knew his cheeks flushed and he was crying and slurring he was so sorry. I hugged him and said I loved him and helped him into the living room chair.
The next day after work, he was sitting in his chair in the living room completely drunk. He said I shouldn't buy any more Moonshine. In other words, he was blaming his drunken state on the Moonshine.....only thing was, I knew it had been gone for more than a few days. Another evasive tactic to blame it on me. DH said I could buy wine so why couldn't he buy his own booze, too. He was getting surly (non violent) so I walked into the other room and changed out of my work clothes and went on my computer and generally avoided him the rest of the evening. I did put a mug of homemade soup next to him with some crackers. I noticed once he passed out that it hadn't been eaten.
I realized that he equated my buying myself wine as an excuse why he should be able to buy his own alcohol! I had an epiphany at that moment. Alcohol is dangerous, not only for him, but for me. I'd been drowning my sorrows in response to his alcoholism. I was enabling because of my drinking, too.
A few days later, I was at the hardware store picking up some screws for him and I called to say there were no screws the length he needed to repair our shower knob. I was disheartened to realize he was drunk. I was a little angry and distressed. I did not want to go home.
I called my 23 year old son and asked if he'd like to meet me for an early dinner at a local buffet. He did. We talked about his new job and then I asked him if he was buying his father booze. He said he had told his father he was not going to contribute to his drinking so not to ask him to take him for any alcohol. I knew he wasn't taking his father to buy it. (Husband lost license four years ago.) Just wanted to make sure that my son understood the situation, which, of course, he did. (See, I'm once again trying to control the situation again! Trained like Pavlov's dog!!!)
When I got home at 6 p.m., DH was in bed. Probably hiding the fact he was drunk. He got up a few hours later and I didn't say a thing. Guess he thinks he was fooling me!
It's like a breath of fresh air to realize I don't have to live his alcoholism with him. I have been thinking of how my life was before him and I realized I never drank, only when going out with friends!! I am so excited about this new revelation, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Not only might it help him, but also help our relationship in a big way.
There will be days, and as you can tell, this one so far is a good one, but I truly have had it with the worry and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Denial is a river in Egypt and I am in denial that I am still trying to control the situation. One good thing is, I don't beat him over the head about the alcoholism. If he's drunk on vodka I just detach. I have had it with placating and the blame in every situation is always on me. No more. I no longer ask him what is wrong when he's mopey. I'm not going to claim his life choices for my own any more.
This journal is a very helpful tool!!! I hope I meet other friends who can relate!!!!
The next day after work, he was sitting in his chair in the living room completely drunk. He said I shouldn't buy any more Moonshine. In other words, he was blaming his drunken state on the Moonshine.....only thing was, I knew it had been gone for more than a few days. Another evasive tactic to blame it on me. DH said I could buy wine so why couldn't he buy his own booze, too. He was getting surly (non violent) so I walked into the other room and changed out of my work clothes and went on my computer and generally avoided him the rest of the evening. I did put a mug of homemade soup next to him with some crackers. I noticed once he passed out that it hadn't been eaten.
I realized that he equated my buying myself wine as an excuse why he should be able to buy his own alcohol! I had an epiphany at that moment. Alcohol is dangerous, not only for him, but for me. I'd been drowning my sorrows in response to his alcoholism. I was enabling because of my drinking, too.
A few days later, I was at the hardware store picking up some screws for him and I called to say there were no screws the length he needed to repair our shower knob. I was disheartened to realize he was drunk. I was a little angry and distressed. I did not want to go home.
I called my 23 year old son and asked if he'd like to meet me for an early dinner at a local buffet. He did. We talked about his new job and then I asked him if he was buying his father booze. He said he had told his father he was not going to contribute to his drinking so not to ask him to take him for any alcohol. I knew he wasn't taking his father to buy it. (Husband lost license four years ago.) Just wanted to make sure that my son understood the situation, which, of course, he did. (See, I'm once again trying to control the situation again! Trained like Pavlov's dog!!!)
When I got home at 6 p.m., DH was in bed. Probably hiding the fact he was drunk. He got up a few hours later and I didn't say a thing. Guess he thinks he was fooling me!
It's like a breath of fresh air to realize I don't have to live his alcoholism with him. I have been thinking of how my life was before him and I realized I never drank, only when going out with friends!! I am so excited about this new revelation, I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Not only might it help him, but also help our relationship in a big way.
There will be days, and as you can tell, this one so far is a good one, but I truly have had it with the worry and waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Denial is a river in Egypt and I am in denial that I am still trying to control the situation. One good thing is, I don't beat him over the head about the alcoholism. If he's drunk on vodka I just detach. I have had it with placating and the blame in every situation is always on me. No more. I no longer ask him what is wrong when he's mopey. I'm not going to claim his life choices for my own any more.
This journal is a very helpful tool!!! I hope I meet other friends who can relate!!!!
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