I made a decision

I have been so troubled lately. The magistrate told the attorneys this divorce case should be over. We have both stalled. It seems like such a lose lose.  The stbx has just found a part time job, so that helps a little, but its been up to me to support both households, and it costs more than I make. At this point there is no savings, a little left in the IRA, and at least a $20K repair needed on the house, and the insurance company may not cover it. If thats the case, we'll foreclose and we will lose the six figure amount we put down on that house. 
 
So the money thing has really gotten me down.  Last week I told her that we are all losing, she, me, both kids.  She suggested we think about moving  back in together, to ride out the recession, to hopefully keep the house until values rise and we can sell for a profit.  I said no, we shouldn't live together.  I was OK with that, as she is very pushy, controlling, and unreasonable towards me.  The other day again, though, she called me up and said we should do it.  We should end the divorce proceedings, have me break the lease on this condo and move back in (separate bedrooms). I would pay all the expenses, including her credit card and lawyer fees.  OF course the only money left is in the IRA. I told her I would pay those expenses out of the IRA, but she kind of freaked out, saying I had to give her the IRA money, in cash, as well as pay her debt.  She refused to acknowledge that I may have additional atty fees to pay, as well as fees for breaking the lease. 
Worse, she was very rude and controlling towards me, just like when we lived together.  It felt like she was taking my guts and tieing them up in knots, I was and am in physical pain. Not enough sleep, no appetite, occassional chest pains, just a mess.  I have also had some very dark thoughts, the kind that I never have, and the kind that could scare me, if I let them.  I choose to reject them as attacks of the devil, and I claim the blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to drive these thoughts away.  It helps to say this out loud, and I feel stronger afterwards.  Yet it is troubling to get this type of attack.
 
So yesterday we discussed possibly moving back in together. Today she said she wanted the ira and me to pay her debt extra.  I said I can't and won't agree to this.  IN the meantime she calls her lawyer and accuses her of stonewalling.  Then she tells her lawyer to do the paperwork to stop the divorce.  Then she called me and told me she wants me to put everything she wants in writing. 
 
I called my best friend, brought him up to date. He advised me to go forward with the divorce. He said she did nothing to help the family or herself all those years, and she just wants to take more and more. She admits no responsibility towards anything, everything she blames on me.  He said, forget the money, it will be gone no matter what.  He said this has been such an albatross for so many years, it is time to just end it. He said go forward with the divorce, don't sign anything to stop the divorce. 
 
So she called, asking what to say to her laywer.  I said I will not agree to move back in with her or to end the divorce. I want the divorce, and we'll go to the hearing next Tuesday. 
 
All I know, I can not live with that woman. She uses and abuses me, offers me nothing, just bullies me, and I can not take that any more.  She has refused to settle this case, time and again, even in the mediation she called for.  I want, I need, this madness to end.  My health is suffering, my job performance is suffering a little (as she has taken up so much of my time on the phone lately).  I believe that if I tried to again stay with her, I would die.
 
I do not know what my future holds.  My life, and my children's life, will be different, much different, but in ways that I can not know at this time.  I do know, however, that my psyche needs a chance to heal. And it will. Through prayer, faith, time, and love. I need these all.  And encouragement.
 
Thank you for reading, and for caring.