I'm trying to glue a broken plate with butter
Months have passed from my last update and in the least dramatic way possible everything has been picked up and flipped on its head.
My beautiful, supportive girlfriend... Ex girlfriend, decided 5 months back that she had to let me go, and honestly, I gave her little choice. Throwing away the only stable, supportive rock that I had. This isn't new though, as soon as someone gets that close I panic. I could sit here and say it's because I let my attacker get that close and so now it's just reactive but I don't think that's fair. The truth is that I'd let my attacker define me, I saw him as what I deserved and maybe it happened because I wanted it to. but he is irrelevant now, the pain he caused is just an irritant compared to this continuous ebbing.
My ex and I haven't really talked that much since either, until a couple days back. I was doing well, I'd stopped cutting, have spent 4/5 months talking to a counseller and even started to iron my whole work uniform... Not just the triangle that shows from my jacket (humour perhaps). But then I realise, id become obsessive about being busy. I was doing what I do best - distraction.
and so I decided to message her, telling her that the reason she had to let me go was no longer, and in fact never was. She took it like the truly beautiful creature she is. A day of two later I even went as far as to ask her on a date, nothing too scary or 'fast', but a simple, English date.
Sadly i must confess, I was hoping that she'd come back to me. Hoping beyond hope that she would just forget and forgive and everything would be okay... Alas, nothing is ideal. The problem I have is i don't know whether to keep talking to her as every time I do it feels like I'm irritating her, maybe even hurting her more. I'm terrified that the thin line of love and hate has been crossed, that she just doesn't have the heart to tell me to leave again. Because I must have hurt her, emotionally, so deeply.
Our relationship was phenomenal, it was healthy and considering we are both 'ex-victims' really well balanced. I don't want to feel better about myself, I want to feel better because she is here with me.
Who would have thought that even after nearly 6 months, that empty pain in my stomach would still be burning just as badly as the day I drove away.
I just want to tell her I love her, always have, always will. I could never choose anyone besides her, she is my raison d'etre, that if she could even see just an ounce of us left, to kindle it and let me make the effort to grow it.
My beautiful, supportive girlfriend... Ex girlfriend, decided 5 months back that she had to let me go, and honestly, I gave her little choice. Throwing away the only stable, supportive rock that I had. This isn't new though, as soon as someone gets that close I panic. I could sit here and say it's because I let my attacker get that close and so now it's just reactive but I don't think that's fair. The truth is that I'd let my attacker define me, I saw him as what I deserved and maybe it happened because I wanted it to. but he is irrelevant now, the pain he caused is just an irritant compared to this continuous ebbing.
My ex and I haven't really talked that much since either, until a couple days back. I was doing well, I'd stopped cutting, have spent 4/5 months talking to a counseller and even started to iron my whole work uniform... Not just the triangle that shows from my jacket (humour perhaps). But then I realise, id become obsessive about being busy. I was doing what I do best - distraction.
and so I decided to message her, telling her that the reason she had to let me go was no longer, and in fact never was. She took it like the truly beautiful creature she is. A day of two later I even went as far as to ask her on a date, nothing too scary or 'fast', but a simple, English date.
Sadly i must confess, I was hoping that she'd come back to me. Hoping beyond hope that she would just forget and forgive and everything would be okay... Alas, nothing is ideal. The problem I have is i don't know whether to keep talking to her as every time I do it feels like I'm irritating her, maybe even hurting her more. I'm terrified that the thin line of love and hate has been crossed, that she just doesn't have the heart to tell me to leave again. Because I must have hurt her, emotionally, so deeply.
Our relationship was phenomenal, it was healthy and considering we are both 'ex-victims' really well balanced. I don't want to feel better about myself, I want to feel better because she is here with me.
Who would have thought that even after nearly 6 months, that empty pain in my stomach would still be burning just as badly as the day I drove away.
I just want to tell her I love her, always have, always will. I could never choose anyone besides her, she is my raison d'etre, that if she could even see just an ounce of us left, to kindle it and let me make the effort to grow it.
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