I'm TRANSFORMING!
It's not quite visible on the surface yet, but I can definitely FEEL it! (Well, ok... I am seeing some physical changes... I look younger in the mirror, despite feeling tired). I feel the healing, the opening up of my inner self, the PEACE! By facing, poking, prying into my dark side, fearing it and yet standing strong, crying but holding on, that dark side is fading, transforming and changing me! YES!
Getting that answer to the WHY closed a door I so DESPERATELY needed to close. Because as long as it was open I would keep returning to it... grieve over it... and continue to bleed. And by closing it, it's opened my eyes to myself, allowing me to see where I was personally, the choices of where to proceed...
I've got tomorrow off and I've decided it's time to do some exploring.... I'm going to take off and do a sunrise mountain bike ride.... "training" if you will for that mountain bike race in September, and at the same time think about where I'm going emotionally. Where are my passions, what do I want to accomplish in the future...
What I've learned so far...
*that by facing my inner demons (doubts, insecurities, etc) I found my strength and inner peace...
*that I'm most comfortable when I have the time and quiet to just be ME...
*that living alone suits me! House guests are fine, but I'm clearest when I'm alone...
*that I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be and that's making me ready to face the future on things that make me nervous like a career change.
*and that I'm not really alone at all... I LOVE having friends around me, being out in the community, and I am not ever going to isolate myself like I did the past 30 years ever again!
So as I ride tomorrow, I'm hoping to come to some decisions... make plans on what I need to do to move forward and accomplish some personal goals... review things that don't seem to fit, find out why, and make new plans for them, and get caught up on some old ones that have been on hold since everything happened.
I know I keep saying this, lol... but this is so WOW!!! LATER!!
Getting that answer to the WHY closed a door I so DESPERATELY needed to close. Because as long as it was open I would keep returning to it... grieve over it... and continue to bleed. And by closing it, it's opened my eyes to myself, allowing me to see where I was personally, the choices of where to proceed...
I've got tomorrow off and I've decided it's time to do some exploring.... I'm going to take off and do a sunrise mountain bike ride.... "training" if you will for that mountain bike race in September, and at the same time think about where I'm going emotionally. Where are my passions, what do I want to accomplish in the future...
What I've learned so far...
*that by facing my inner demons (doubts, insecurities, etc) I found my strength and inner peace...
*that I'm most comfortable when I have the time and quiet to just be ME...
*that living alone suits me! House guests are fine, but I'm clearest when I'm alone...
*that I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be and that's making me ready to face the future on things that make me nervous like a career change.
*and that I'm not really alone at all... I LOVE having friends around me, being out in the community, and I am not ever going to isolate myself like I did the past 30 years ever again!
So as I ride tomorrow, I'm hoping to come to some decisions... make plans on what I need to do to move forward and accomplish some personal goals... review things that don't seem to fit, find out why, and make new plans for them, and get caught up on some old ones that have been on hold since everything happened.
I know I keep saying this, lol... but this is so WOW!!! LATER!!
Replies
This is great to hear...I wish I was where you are! You seem to be really coming into your own. Its a beautiful thing! With love, Sandy
Thanks, Sandy! I\'m going to have to nix the bike ride... we\'ve got a forest fire 11 miles away, so it\'s too risky... painting (as in art) does the same thing for me so I\'m going to do that instead (after aerobics, lol). Right now, it\'s so smoky I can\'t even see the peak across town.
And I had to do business today at the bank where we used to have joint accounts (the X and I); A mutual friend that works there mentioned that the X knew I was out with my son... is he thinking of me? Don\'t know, don\'t really care... because I REALLY AM moving on!!! In fact, first thought I had was, none of his business, lol. :) {{HUGS}}
Stress will make you old and ugly! When I met Tom (6 months after my divorce was finally final) I knew I didn\'t look my best. I had lost a lot of weight and had been very thin to begin with. He never said anything until a few months later -- by then, I knew that some of the deep lines I had developed during the 18 Months of Hell had faded and I had put on a few much-needed pounds. PLUS I was sleeping well for the first time in years! That\'s when Tom said, \"You know when I met you you were emaciated and looked a lot older than you really are.\" I thanked him for that and am DETERMINED never to let circumstances wear me down to that low point again! Good for you, girl! It takes some effort, but you can and will rebuild your New Life to be 1,000 times BETTER than the old one was -- even on its best day!