I\'m the worst \"best friend\" ever..
Ok.. so.. there is this girl that I have been friends with since I started University last year. She was my first friend in this city, first person I met. I really care about the girl, honest I do. But I feel awful lately because I honestly can't stand her. She is literally the most annoying human being I know. Totally tactless, totally self-centred, extremely loud and obnoxious. She says the most inappropriate things regardless of social setting. As much as I don't particularly care about what the world around me thinks, she is actually embarassing to hang out with. Very rarely does anything embarass me. But... every time I introduce her to anyone new, or we hang out with new people.. I walk out feeling totally and completely embarassed because the truth is, people judge you on the people who you keep around you. She has no consideration for social setting whatsoever. I'm by no means wishing her to be fake.. I just wish she would pay some fucking attention once in a while. She doesn't ever seem to notice when a roomful of people are completely taken aback by the inappropriate shit she says. She has no consideration for what her friends would wish for her to say or not say in public. Basically.. she doesn't think before she speaks. And it drives me crazy. All last year I convinced myself that she would grow out of her annoying habits once she matured a bit and lost her highschool mentality. Didn't happen. Then I started with the hope that enough encouragement and moulding perhaps I could train her (for lack of a better term) in social tact. Hasn't happened. In fact.. she has gotten more annoying and embarassing over time. Every time I hang out with her I just want her to leave the whole time. I actually can't stand her. Problem is.. as soon as I get to the breaking point.. soon as I once again reach the conclusion that I cannot stand her and perhaps should stop hanging out with her so much, she'll have one of those days when she is actually really freaking fun to hang out with. Also... I know how much this girl depends on me for a sense of esteem. When I met her she had such low self-esteem.. she has grown a lot over the last two years in that respect.. but I fear that without me in her life, all of that growth will be lost. She tells me every fucking day that I am her best friend.. that wherever I go after University she'll go with me. She tells me all the time that she loves me more than her family. She practically worships me and the fact that I am her friend is what keeps her going in her life. She thinks I am the smartest person in the whole world.. she puts me on such a pedestal I don't know how the get off of it!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh she just DRIVES ME FREAKING NUTS!! And I know that anyone who reads this will probably tell me that if I can't stand her I should just stop being her friend. It's not that simple. Like I said - first friend in this city.. relies on me completely.. don't even want to entertain any of the possibilities of what she might do without me in her life..... and the simple truth of the matter is that I really do care about her. Not sure why.. but I do. I cannot pinpoint what it is that makes me care so fucking much about her.. but I do. I feel like her well being is my responsibility. I just want her to grow up so bad.. she is 2 years younger than me in the first place, but on top of it she is totally immature even for her age. I'm 21.. and it feels like I'm spending my days hanging out with a 16 year old. buhhhhhhhhhhh
Replies
O dear, S, what a mess. Yes, the easiest thing would be to just tell her off & walk away, but it\'s obvious you care enough to want to help. That shows your compassion and you shouldn\'t be ashamed of it. BUT... your friend has some very serious issues with boundries that need to be addressed otherwise you might very well go off on her one day, saying things that will hurt her deeply despite the fact that you want to help her. I say use your position as her most \"favored friend\" and come straight out and talk to her about her behavior. Won\'t be easy, but it\'s something that obviously must be done.
But if after all that, she still doesn\'t get a clue, you should consider ending your friendship until she can act more maturely. Being frustrated with her doesn\'t make you the \"worst bestfriend ever,\" it just means you\'ve done all you know how to do for her. If walking away is what\'s needed for your own sanity, then do what you need to do! You can\'t force people to grow so it\'s not your fault in any way.
I\'m tired of walking away from people though.. and I don\'t want to have to do it again. I always seem to attract very draining people... there\'s always one or two people in my life that drain me of everything I\'ve got. I walked away from my best friend of 5 years a couple of years ago because I couldn\'t handle being her friend anymore. It was a totally different type of draining though... she needed me, absolutely. She grew up poor and never made anything of herself. She was sexually and verbally abused by her father as a child. She was basically a desperate person by circumstance. I tried so hard to help her. I gave her everything I had to give. I tried to get her to go to school. I tried to get her to do something with her life. Her bf abused her. I couldn\'t stand it anymore and gave her an ultimatum - him or me. She chose him. I still live with the guilt ever day of having left her in his hands........ leaving her to take care of herself when God knows she can\'t...