I'm thankful
Here I am with a blank sheet of paper wondering what I am feeling and why I feel the need put whatever it is on paper, All my life my journaling has helped me to discover who I am and it has given me a handle on what I feel about my life as I’m living it day-by-day.......even when I didn’t know at the time exactly what it was that I was going through or how to express it. Words just tumbled out, without a filter. I’m sure this would sound like I’m "not all there" to most folks. We have had a cold day....the temperature is 16F now.... and in the middle of the afternoon we had what looked to be the beginning of a pretty substantial accumulation of snow. We had an absolutey breathtakingly beautiful snow in December. It made East Tennessee a fairyland. On the morning after when we had 8 to 12 inches on the ground, I bundled up (or “rugged up” as a very special AU friend would say) and was out before light roaming with the camera. It was soooo still...the cold didn't really feel unpleasant...and the silence made it almost a spiritual experience. I know that sounds "soppy." I don't mean it to sound that way......it is the only way I can even come c-l-o-s-e to describing what I was feeling. As I think back now, I'm remembering the "Peanuts" comic strip where Charlie Brown is standing with the fluffy snowflakes falling all around him and he was saying that he feels so secure and protected in the silence as the snow was falling. Boy, do I know the feeling that Charles Schultz was trying to get across. That morning there was such stillness...and I felt so safe. I was glad that I was alone and could have this time all to myself. The snow was unspoiled, it was beginning to be daylight and the quietness made me feel safe! The stillness made the reflections on the lake like a mirror . The experience was so very special. At times like that I wish so that I had more words........and, most of all, the ability to use them to express what I am feeling. I am at a loss for words at times like that......and even now as I am trying to put this on paper I feel so inadequate. Writing this now brings back a special memory of Dick and me sitting in the car with a street lamp nearby. It was snowing and as we sat there watching the snowflakes land on the windshield we found ourselves mesmerized by the individual flakes as they landed on the glass. We could not tell if each snowflake was totally different from any others like has been said to be so. To be honest it really didn't matter because as the glistening flakes fell all we could think about was what a nice experience we were being treated to,......how special life is and how very soon it ends. Each flake was a lesson in living "in the now." It emphasized that spending our time planning to live in the future is not r-e-a-l-l-y living. I wish I had the words and the way of saying them to accurately describe what I felt during this absolutely beautiful snow, as well as the specialness that we experienced sitting together in the car that night watching the snowflakes land on the windshield There have been so many times, particularly since Dickie has been gone when I am so “filled” and I don’t have words. I have felt like I am about to explode; the way I am feeling now. I’m wondering if anyone else feels this way at times. I’m not depressed, I’m not sad....I’m just so full of thankfulness for having had the chance to live the life that I have lived. I miss Dickie so, but I know he is with me just like that night as we watched the snowflakes together. I don’t know why I feel I need to write tonight and I’m sure that I haven’t made sense to anyone else. I couldn’t help myself. I guess it’s a matter of reminding myself that life is good....life is sad at times....and life is a gift we need to appreciate and live the best way we can.....as a thank you for having been given it. I feel so full........ I am truly blessed!
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