I'm thankful
Here I am with a blank sheet of paper wondering what I am feeling and why I feel the need put whatever it is on paper, All my life my journaling has helped me to discover who I am and it has given me a handle on what I feel about my life as I’m living it day-by-day.......even when I didn’t know at the time exactly what it was that I was going through or how to express it. Words just tumbled out, without a filter. I’m sure this would sound like I’m "not all there" to most folks. We have had a cold day....the temperature is 16F now.... and in the middle of the afternoon we had what looked to be the beginning of a pretty substantial accumulation of snow. We had an absolutey breathtakingly beautiful snow in December. It made East Tennessee a fairyland. On the morning after when we had 8 to 12 inches on the ground, I bundled up (or “rugged up” as a very special AU friend would say) and was out before light roaming with the camera. It was soooo still...the cold didn't really feel unpleasant...and the silence made it almost a spiritual experience. I know that sounds "soppy." I don't mean it to sound that way......it is the only way I can even come c-l-o-s-e to describing what I was feeling. As I think back now, I'm remembering the "Peanuts" comic strip where Charlie Brown is standing with the fluffy snowflakes falling all around him and he was saying that he feels so secure and protected in the silence as the snow was falling. Boy, do I know the feeling that Charles Schultz was trying to get across. That morning there was such stillness...and I felt so safe. I was glad that I was alone and could have this time all to myself. The snow was unspoiled, it was beginning to be daylight and the quietness made me feel safe! The stillness made the reflections on the lake like a mirror . The experience was so very special. At times like that I wish so that I had more words........and, most of all, the ability to use them to express what I am feeling. I am at a loss for words at times like that......and even now as I am trying to put this on paper I feel so inadequate. Writing this now brings back a special memory of Dick and me sitting in the car with a street lamp nearby. It was snowing and as we sat there watching the snowflakes land on the windshield we found ourselves mesmerized by the individual flakes as they landed on the glass. We could not tell if each snowflake was totally different from any others like has been said to be so. To be honest it really didn't matter because as the glistening flakes fell all we could think about was what a nice experience we were being treated to,......how special life is and how very soon it ends. Each flake was a lesson in living "in the now." It emphasized that spending our time planning to live in the future is not r-e-a-l-l-y living. I wish I had the words and the way of saying them to accurately describe what I felt during this absolutely beautiful snow, as well as the specialness that we experienced sitting together in the car that night watching the snowflakes land on the windshield There have been so many times, particularly since Dickie has been gone when I am so “filled” and I don’t have words. I have felt like I am about to explode; the way I am feeling now. I’m wondering if anyone else feels this way at times. I’m not depressed, I’m not sad....I’m just so full of thankfulness for having had the chance to live the life that I have lived. I miss Dickie so, but I know he is with me just like that night as we watched the snowflakes together. I don’t know why I feel I need to write tonight and I’m sure that I haven’t made sense to anyone else. I couldn’t help myself. I guess it’s a matter of reminding myself that life is good....life is sad at times....and life is a gift we need to appreciate and live the best way we can.....as a thank you for having been given it. I feel so full........ I am truly blessed!
Replies
Dear Miss Fluff,
I know exactly what you mean and your journal reminds me of some of the back woods that I have traipsed across. It does not feel unpleasantly cold and the absolute silence is breath taking!!! You are making miss Massachusetts!!!! lol Eric
Now and then there are moments that are like that... so absolutely perfect... its like you lived your whole life just so you could have that one perfect moment... To be honest I\'ve had a few moments like that... so perfect I wished I could write a song or something... just somehow to be able to tell the world how great the moment was... When the bad times come for a while one might forget there were ever any moments like those... so I really appreciate your journal today... because it reminds me I have had those moments... and maybe who knows... there\'s another moment or so ahead for me.
wow, we have just become friends, and i am so pleased, i have met you, i have similer moments, in the snow too,.. thank you for sharing, your thoughts, by putting them \"on paper\" its has helped you, it also reaches out, to help others, like me,... im comming up on a year, since i lost my wife,.. and struggle all the time,. your friend, Dave
Thank you Fluffkin for helping me realize that there can be good times in our thoughts . Due to severe depression many times I forget to appreciate the few good times that I have. Diane
Dear Flufkin, I am so sorry for loss. i Lost my Best Friend my Mom on 1/30/2010. I have talked to her at 2 X day by phone this I left home at 17 about 36 years ago. I was able to spend christmas with her and came home on the 27th of Jan and she passed away on the 30th in Ct. I can relate to your beautiful story about the snow. For me I am at peace at the ocean. I lived in Fl for 18 years and CA 3 years and Hi for 4 years. I was devested when my Mom passed away so quickly. I took care of her estate and emptied her room (she lived with my Aunt.) I left Ct and Flew to Fl and stayed with my Best friend and Walked the beach everyday for a whole week. I was finally able to grieve and then reflect on all the great memories that we shared.then I came home to SC She was my rock we were so so close. I will miss her always but I know that she is pain free and is with the two loves of her live my Dad and Stepdad they both passed on before her. It brings a smile to my face because I know that she is happy and is up there watching over me. I am sorry to be rambeling on. Each day brings new experinces for to embark on, I feel that your Husband and my Mom will steer us in the direction to heal.
Hi Fluffkin,
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost mine on April 15, 2004 from suicide and know the hole it leaves. So glad to see you have good moments where you can truly enjoy the moments and fond memories. Take care....Linda :)