I'm supposed to be working, but life is too short, sooo...
It's almost spring. I can feel it, smell it in the air, and hear it around me. I'm working from home, and the birds outside are singing their little hearts out. And today I'm filled with a sense of hope for new beginnings. Probablement, c'est un cliché, but I don't really care. So IUI didn't work for us... So what?! That's how I'm currently feeling. I have my husband; I have my fur-babies; I have air in my lungs and food in the fridge; I have so many blessings that I can't count them all. My student loan will be paid off at the end of this month, and man, does that feel good! And today, I can add hope to this list of things to be grateful for. Hope for new beginnings and good changes. Hope for extending our family, yes, but also hope that this all-in-one feeling of sadness, frustration, and overall gloom will diminish someday if we can't.
We tested negative yesterday, and it was a disappointment, to say the least. It hurt, but I wasn't as devastated as I was last month. And this current cycle, as with the last few since my test results came back, brings with it the knowledge that menopause is coming for me sooner rather than later. While most of my friends have around 10+ years of fertility under their belt (haha), I probably don't. Not unless my hormones plateau/improve and stop killing my eggs... My thinking is starting to change ever-so-slightly. I found myself thinking of the freedom my aging ovaries will eventually bring. I've had a couple of books at the ready about childlessness and letting go. Maybe I'm ready to read them, because I find myself being more accepting of our circumstances now. Maybe if I open myself up to the possibility of even IVF not working, I'll be better able to handle the ride. Sometimes fighting a situation doesn't come from a place of determination, sometimes it comes from a place of panic. I've been panicking. And really, how much control do we have over biology? I'm not accepting, nor admitting, defeat by IF, but I'm maybe ready to concede that being a mom may not be in the cards for me. And if it is, how blissful is that thought!
I don't know. All I know is that I have hope for change. And if that comes in the form of a child, I say woohoo! And if not, I say... okay. Okay Life, it's not what I wanted, but if all I get from you are all of these other amazing blessings I have, then I think I'll be okay.
Peace, Love, and Hope.
We tested negative yesterday, and it was a disappointment, to say the least. It hurt, but I wasn't as devastated as I was last month. And this current cycle, as with the last few since my test results came back, brings with it the knowledge that menopause is coming for me sooner rather than later. While most of my friends have around 10+ years of fertility under their belt (haha), I probably don't. Not unless my hormones plateau/improve and stop killing my eggs... My thinking is starting to change ever-so-slightly. I found myself thinking of the freedom my aging ovaries will eventually bring. I've had a couple of books at the ready about childlessness and letting go. Maybe I'm ready to read them, because I find myself being more accepting of our circumstances now. Maybe if I open myself up to the possibility of even IVF not working, I'll be better able to handle the ride. Sometimes fighting a situation doesn't come from a place of determination, sometimes it comes from a place of panic. I've been panicking. And really, how much control do we have over biology? I'm not accepting, nor admitting, defeat by IF, but I'm maybe ready to concede that being a mom may not be in the cards for me. And if it is, how blissful is that thought!
I don't know. All I know is that I have hope for change. And if that comes in the form of a child, I say woohoo! And if not, I say... okay. Okay Life, it's not what I wanted, but if all I get from you are all of these other amazing blessings I have, then I think I'll be okay.
Peace, Love, and Hope.
Replies
Love this journal. You\'re right- you have a lot of wonderful things in your life. Glad that you have hope for the future :)
\"Sometimes fighting a situation doesn\'t come from a place of determination, sometimes it comes from a place of panic.\" This really spoke to me. I think so much of IF puts us in a panic mode because it\'s such a time sensitive issue. We only have so long before it just isn\'t possible anymore. I remember being in that exact frame of mind last fall. Then I unexpectedly got pregnant and subsequently miscarried. I haven\'t been able to get back to that frame of mind since - I\'ve been in panic mode.
I love hearing in your words the peace of accepting and not panicking anymore. It gives me hope that I can regain that state of mind - that I can let go and accept whatever will be...and just be grateful for the amazing blessings I do have. Thanks for sharing and strengthening my hope!
dailyjoe: I\'m so glad that my sharing has brought you hope! That is so encouraging to hear :) I wish you peace and hope in your journey; less panic and more joy :)
Love this journal. It\'s nice to see you feel the benefits of all the good that is around you, and to know you can move on to acceptance if that time comes. Thanks for sharing :)