I'm such a fool

every where I look is another example of me making his fucking life easier, catering to him, destroying myself for him, doing stuff for him. There is the smell of garlic on my hands from a dinner I wouldn't have made without him, there are the times I overlooked him being late from work, avoiding me and Lydia, not wanting to eat with us, rushing me off the phone. I even didn't argue about leaving us to practice the piano, something he should have been doing, something he should have planned before today, something he should have asked me about. 
 
I didn't replace the windows to not put us further in debt, I feel the cold coming in from behind me because of it. or paint the house that needs it, or fix the lawn, or have proper furniture. 
 
Lydia has suffered immensely through all of this. 
 
I try to clean more, make the bed more, have her not sleep with me.. for him. 
 
I hired Sidney to get myself together... because of him
 
I didn't put up a closet system because I'm afraid of spending money and becoming a burden.
 
I take time out of my work hours to plan dinners, try to make things a home for him.
 
I created Easter, pushed for it, for him and the boys. In this very bed, I'm sexually put myself out there when I didn't want to for him. 
 
I started playing the piano again.. for him. 
 
I engaged with people, for him, like his neighbors. They certainly don't benefit me. 
 
I held onto myself and tried to hug and comfort him about that death, and he rejected me, lit into me about sex instead of really dealing with the issue. 
 
I considered antidepressants, I considered giving up my child, I fought to keep her in the school, I allowed him to ditch me at the musical, to fend for myself while in full blown PTSD, I started writing, I started talking about the hard stuff, I've been completely transparent, I got excited about being together, I allowed a glimmer of happiness, I let go for a half of second, I let him in, I let him see the ugly, and he abandoned me. 
 
I have been very lax and easy, respectful, about access, and I didn't disturb anything until the ultimate betrayal. And then, to preserve the evidence, I didn't even do what I could have, not said anything, and truly taken everything out. I didn't touch ATT, Comcast, the banks, programs, the electronic devices when I could have. 
 
I've gotten no appreciation for what I've been doing, I've gotten no understanding. I've asked for him to see me, empathy, appreciate in Jan, and many many times before, but I told him that he would have to do this, I told him that it was necessary to build, to keep from emotionally abusing me.. I was ignored. 
 
He never asks what it's like for me, almost never. He lives in his own world and everything is relative to that. 
 
Does he know what it's like to keep being ignored about making summer plans? Or what it's like to have to through his work schedule and try to be ok with it? To repeat myself so many times and not be heard? 
 
Does he know what it's like to see him spend thousands on stuff and see me suffer? That I hold things together for him and the kids when I'm there? That I put everything aside, even Lydia to make sure his kids feel good around me, and that they have their time with their father? The lies I've told, the secrets I've kept, the dings I've endured to help him keep his good name? 
 
The honesty I gave him even when it hurt?
 
The being dressed up and paraded in front of his friends for an image? 
 
Or what about my constant stress making sure he's important, looking at what he needs to, bending over backwards asking what he needs and trying to incorporate it. I constantly ask what he needs, what is something we can do that's important to him to make sure we both matter.... and then I don't matter at all to him. In the end it's still all about him. 
 
I can't believe I almost got a fitbit for him.
 
That's not even the humiliation I suffered because he was angry over the years, naked, not allowed to say no. The traumas I still deal with, the damage he's done to me as a person. 
 
The constant fear of him coming after me, stalking me, hurting me, plus the added layer of the affair and the home life for kids. 
 
The pain I endured watching him with her, even in the last year, the pain of pretending to break up and watch him choose her over me, again, and again, and again. 
 
And now, he still does. 
 
Sitting home, alone, knowing he's in that house with her, lonely, dying, angry, hurt, and I held on, I picked myself back up again and again without him after he lied to me again and again about mediation, about sleeping with her, about leaving and where he was really at. 
 
What about all the times I supported his parenting, from birthday party ideas to giving him space with the kids? 
 
What about allowing him in my life, to see my difficulties with Lydia?
 
To see me have to shut down until I find a safe place to feel? to be real and transparent and honest?
 
Even making sure his green watch didn't get broken, bringing his charger unprompted?
 
I've taken care of him in so many ways, and now it doesn't matter, it's gone, vanished, worthless. 
 
I was alone for Christmas until 5 in the afternoon while he played family with them, I was rejected to having family Christmas time with him and the boys, I had to salvage the New Year as he actively worked against me. 
 
I helped pull off the car show, giving him all the space, sleeping on the couch, watching the boys, helping find Alec, making it a good experience, even when Lydia wasn't all that into it. 
 
I always thanked him, even when I didn't feel like it, I always acknowledged when he did things to help. 
 
I had my dreams and hopes twisted and demented from moving in, to marriage, to a baby, to family time, to spending time together, to being free. All this for no reason other than his own manipulation. 
 
I can't believe I wanted us to try to meditate together, to help us bond and relax and forgive. 
 
I leaned on him for a couple hours on a Saturday, and suddenly it's a big deal? I didn't have to ask, I was letting him in by doing that, by asking him to lay with me, to allow me to nap... those actions are unheard of, allowing myself to be supported by him.. but now I'm the devil for it. 
 
Then the art show, science show, being seen with me anywhere she would be, avoiding being around the school with me. All this, and what does he give? Almost nothing. Only what is safe, he never actually is there, or puts all his eggs in the basket with me. He says he does, but he hides half of them away, and put them with her. 
 
This goes on and on... all this and he still betrays me. I've humiliated myself. I was a fool to try to help him with his marriage, to test him so that we could have a real life. I was a fool to challenge him to be himself, to look at us, to say all the things that Martin was telling him, without even knowing Martin was telling him them. I fought for him, when I should have fought for us. Then when I fought for us.. now I'm selfish? I was a fool to love him so much that I wanted him to just be happy no matter what that was.. and now.. I'm the one whose out in the cold, naked, starving, abandoned for it. 
 
I wanted to fix the relationship, he didn't want that. When I insisted he flew off the handle. When I held onto making it real and making a real recovery, he ignored it. He wanted a quick fix. 
 
It's no wonder I never felt like he truly got what you did, he's been plugging his ears and looking the other way blaming instead of listening, buffering and hiding from me instead of actually look at me and what he's done. This is no different. 
 
Had he gotten what he did, the option to go back to her would have made him sick. It would have never happened, not to the level of action. Just like the option of another guy literally makes me sick. 
 
But he didn't. repentance wasn't real. seeing him  for himself, and then ultimately dealing with it, eventually forgiving himself and being a better person, that never happened. Instead he hid. He won't see it. He refuses. 
 
Not one person in my life supports me being with him. I kept it together. I picked up the pieces. I believed however damaged and brittle it was at times. This is my reward. Betrayal. hidden desires to abandon me, to commit the worst act possible. Secrets about his true feelings and what he really thinks of me, just like the porn.