I'm Still Here.......Just Needed Some Time.......

It's been a few weeks since I have wrote a journal or commented on any other post. I can't really describe what I have been going through over these past weeks. It's just an OVERWHELMING SADNESS not just for myself and my life right now but for so many of us that hurt so deeply right now. Everyday there are so many new members all of them with such raw emotion and the shock of it all. Every time I read a post from a new member it just brings me right back to day one for me. When the whole world seemed so scary and UNBELIEVABLE THAT THIS WAS HAPPENING. My feelings and emotions just took over and I had to take some time to really come to my reality. In the beginning for alot of us there is so much to do that are physical body takes over and runs the show. Get UP, GO TO WORK, FEED THE DOGS, GET THE KIDS READY, PACK THE HOUSE, GET A STORAGE UNIT, GET A SECOND JOB, PAY THE BILLS, GET A LAWYER, GET THE CAR FIXED.... All of these things had to be done and done everyday asap.
I think that the HEART and SOUL of us can't compete at first so we let our bodies do the work so we don't have to deal too much with the emotional loss. Until one day the body is DONE and it turns to the heart and says " TAG YOUR IT" I'm tired and need to rest you take over now and that's when ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE. My heart and spirit have been broken these past 9 months since he left but I have been dealing with it little by little, day by day. This is good at the beginning so that we are not overloaded with to much stress and have a breakdown. However this also keeps us from seeing to far into the future. How can we think about tomorrow and all it's possibilities when we are just trying to get through today. TOMORROW NEVER COMES RIGHT. I think my body said TAG and I had to take some time to really come to understand my new reality. The days of waiting for him to grow up and come to his senses has long past. So have any thoughts of ever knowing why he chose to do this. He will NEVER tell me why and he will NEVER be sorry because he can't see past himself HE IS ALL THAT MATTERS EVEN BEFORE HIS CHILDREN.
I know I tried to be Selfless enough for the both of us, I know I tried to be Loving enough for the both of us, I tried to be Nuturing enough for the both of us, KIND, COMPASSIONATE, FAITHFUL, I even Prayed for the both of us ect...... IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH AND I HAVE TO REALLY FORGIVE MYSELF AND LET MYSELF OFF THE HOOK. We all do I think. We carry so much on our shoulders our Husbands, Our Children, Our Careers, Our Homes, Our Friends, everything resting on us and if one piece of the puzzle doesn't fit then the whole picture is trashed right??? WRONG!!!!! It's still a beautiful picture if you really look at it. So what if it's missing a piece for awhile maybe with time, patience, and FAITH the piece will be found again and your picture will be complete. I'm just tired of carrying everything on me and on my shoulders. I know I did the best I could in every aspect of the word and from the depths of my SOUL I WAS A GREAT WIFE, A GREAT PARTNER, A GREAT FRIEND, HE WAS VERY LUCKY TO HAVE ME HE JUST DIDN'T DESERVE ME.
My faith in God has brought me to realize that GOD chose this path for me because he was the only one who realized that no matter how much I gave and Gave and Gave the man I was with would NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE BACK TO ME WHAT I NEEDED TO FEEL LOVED. He is EMOTIONALLY RETARDED, PHYSICALLY WIPED OUT, AND FINANCIALLY BANKRUPT.... Maybe God was actually tring to SAVE me since I had no voice then and no self esteem, always keeping quite trying to hold it all together.  So GOD GAVE ME AN OUT.. HE DID THIS FOR ME NOT TO ME, HE DID THIS TO SAVE ME FROM THE SAME FATE THAT MY EX HAS NOW. A WORLD OF NOTHINGNESS. No Joy, No passion, No children to say good morning or good night to, no crazy fat dog to make him laugh. No wife to make him his morning coffee and two eggs over easy with wheat toast.  With the Holiday Season upon us by the way 84 days til Christmas......... No family to celebrate the Season with Christmas Tree shopping with big mugs of Hot Chocolate, Christmas Cookies, Peppermint candy cane candles burning through out the house.
No more seeing the kids come down the stairs in their Christmas PJ'S and cuddly socks with that look on their faces that only a child can feel on Christmas morning. He will miss it now and he will miss our Grandchildren one day when they come along. As I have been reflecting these past weeks I have come to see that I'M STILL CARRYING HIM. As if trying to LOVE for two, pray for two, be responsible for two, was not enough I found myself HURTING FOR HIM AS WELL. AT first I was like What the HELL are you doing T why would you carry his hurt also. Why would you feel sorry for him when everything he did was TO HIMSELF!!!! ANYTHING HE IS FEELING OR ANYTHING THAT IS HAPPENING TO HIM FINANCIALLY OR EMOTIONALLY HE HAS DONE TO HIMSELF. But then I thought again CARING ABOUT PEOPLE AND LOVING PEOPLE AND HAVING A HEART AS BIG AS MY ASS USED TO BE IS WHAT MAKES ME WHO I AM!!!!!!! If I let him take that part of me MY COMPASSION AND LOVE OF LIFE AND LOVE FOR MY FELLOW MAN THEN HE REALLY WOULD HAVE DESTROYED EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. Losing a house, a car, appliances, just crap that I thought were so important can all be replaced someday. But LOSING MY HEART AND SOUL AND COMPASSION CAN NOT BE REPLACED. So i'm glad to know that I still have that heart because if it can still break then it can still love. Even if it's breaking for him it's ok because that means I AM STILL ME AND HE DIDN'T CHANGE WHO I AM DEEP DOWN.............