I'm starting again.

Yesterday, I hit bottom. I started to contemplate suicide. I considered my options. In the end, I said to myself, "Well, I have a daughter whom I love dearly; my parents still live; if I end my life, I will ruin their lives. I refuse to do that."
So, I picked myself up, went to the gym, and burned 800 calories. Today, I did the same.
Because of recent events, I have lost:-
- unsupervised visits with my daughter
- my apartments (I was a real estate investor)
- my car
- some of my friends
On the other hand, I have gained some insight into the reasons for my past choices. I am no angel. I have made some appalling choices over the past three years. I make no excuses for my bad decisions. I am glad to have been held accountable. However, I am more than a little resentful of the fact that my former fiancée has never been held accountable for her behavior. I intend to let go of this resentment, focus on improving my own character, and devote my energies to healthier things.
There's no sense in dwelling on the past. There's nothing there for me. Yet, I do dwell on it.
R, my former fiancée, used to blame me for her behavior. She said, "I chase you around the house only because you won't listen to me," or "I grab you only to make you stay and listen," or "I stop you from leaving only because I love you." Then she would deny things. "I never bit you." "I never pushed you; I bumped into you." The list goes on.
I began videotaping R to document her behavior. I knew no one would believe me otherwise. She physically assaulted me repeatedly over a three-year period, and yet, every time I left, I would return as soon as she promised to change. You would think I could have learned after the first time we were arrested. (I telephoned the police, asking for help; they responded by arresting us both.) After the first two or three times, the Police stopped coming.
In the end, I waited until she was swimming with her grandparents; I packed everything in an hour, dropped it off at a friend's house, and went to pick her up from their house. To my shame, I had had to leave my daughter there with R in order for R to trust me to leave. So, when I picked them both up, I made up my mind: It's now or never. As soon as R got out of the car at her place, I turned to my daughter and said, "Stay there." I began to back away. R chased the car up the driveway, pulling at the wing mirror and beating on the window.
My daughter said, "Why is R doing that?"
"I'm not sure," I lied. "I'll ask her about it later."
For the next three weeks, R telephoned and e-mailed me, begging to come back. I refused, telling her, "I love you, but you and I are toxic; we are bad for one another. We are ruining one another. This has to end. I'm sorry."
She called the Police and accused me of... stealing her dog; downloading child pornography; wanting to molest my daughter; the list went on and on. She somehow hacked into my e-mail account, e-mailed all my friends, and asked if I had slept with any of them. She began to try to coerce people into testifying against me. She made friends with my ex-wife. The two of them began showing up in court. (For the past eight years, I've been fighting for more time with my daughter...)
I can't pretend my conduct has been impeccable. It hasn't; not even close! Throughout my life, I've made some awful decisions that have hurt a lot of people. I have been held accountable for every single major mistake I have made. I am happy about that. Accountability promotes personal growth and an internal locus of control. Still, if you want a list of the appalling things I've done, ask. I'll tell you. You might not like me when I'm done, but I'll tell you.
With that said, I'm hurt and angered by R's horrible lies. The worst was the line – how did it go? - "I'm worried that he will start sniffing around Charlotte when she's old enough." Can you imagine how that made me feel? Frankly, I'm not surprised my ex-wife panicked and filed three motions against me, all of which she lost. I can understand where she is coming from. The fact that R is lying, it's almost immaterial. I hate what she is saying, but I can respect my ex-wife's devotion to our daughter's safety, even if it is fueled by a lie.
So, there it is. R took my car while I was in court defending myself. Unfortunately, because the car is in joint names, I can't take it back without going to court; so, I am. Oh, and a year before we broke up, I put my apartments (plural) in our joint names to demonstrate my commitment to the relationship. Before we broke up, I asked for them back. R said, "If you expect me to give them back, why should you expect me to protect you from your ex-wife?" So, I dropped the matter. Now R is suing me for half the value of the apartments. She claims she is entitled to them. Well, normally she would be, but she held onto them through coercion and emotional blackmail.
Oh, and because my ex-wife (with R in tow, sitting next to her, grinning inanely at me) won her fourth hearing, I can't see my daughter unsupervised. R, meanwhile, visits my daughter once a week, hangs out with my ex-wife, drinks cheap wine, and gossips about me.
Did I mention that R went on the Internet and posted some more scurrilous lies about me on one of those awful "Describe Your Psycho Ex" websites? I kid you not, a friend of mine told me about it. I asked her who the people were. She said – I can't believe it! – she said, "They are people from my support group. I was in love with you at one time, and I blurted out a few things I shouldn't; the people in this online support group found out about you and your ex, and they decided to fan the flames for entertainment's sake."
So a bunch of people who don't know me, plus a vindictive ex-fiancée, have been trash talking me online. That's OK if your name is John Smith, but unfortunately, I'm the only person on Google with 'my' first and last name together. I had to pay $800 to have the articles taken down. While I was at it, I paid to have R's article taken down as well, because she was blaming it on me.
That article was, in fact, written by K, her ex-boyfriend. She had been cheating on me with him throughout our relationship. I didn't find that out until later. Anyway, he wrote the article, telling the world (and me) several things that I didn't know, including how they had never planned on getting married, she had never been pregnant, and she had cheated on him twice with his predecessor. I asked him if he had been physically abusive. He laughed and said, "No, you're thinking of her!"
That made sense because, when R had bitten me on the face the first time, I went to her neighbor and asked him to take a picture. He said, "Wow, I'm sorry. Well, you know, this isn't the first time. She did this to the man she dated before you."
Wow.
So, here I am. Let's just say I've had an unpleasant six months. I want to move on. I want to live a decent life. I want to be a good person, serve my community, let go of the past, continue with my career, and (most of all) be a good father. My daughter is too young to understand any of this. I don't plan on telling her. it's none of her business; besides, she's too young to understand, as I said.
As a psychotherapist, I ought to be able to spot the warning signs of sociopathy and other mental disorders. The fact is, I did spot them early on, but I ignored them. We went to concurrent therapy (individual + couples counseling) for a year. I was in therapy before I met her. I'm still in therapy. Anyway, she said – I kid you not – "Why are you leaving? You know I was getting better. I can change more!"
I replied, "You shouldn't have to change for me. If I can't love you as you are, I'm the wrong man for you. If you can't love me the way I want to be loved, you're the wrong woman for me."
AND OMIGOD SHE KEPT ASKING WHY. Why this. Why that. Why why why why why. "I don't understand." "I don't understand." Yes, you do; you just don't like it. It was like dealing with an argumentative child.
Then there were the restraints.
- "Don't close any doors, even the bathroom door" (she picked the lock and burst in when I tried that once)
- "Don't walk away from me if I'm upset with you"
- "Don't shave unless you tell me where you're going"
- "Don't bathe unless you have a good reason" (?!?!?!!)
- "Pay me $1,000 per month so that you can live with me" (I didn't want to live with her)
I was expected to drive her anywhere, at any time, which meant I had to remain a full-time student. I couldn't work, in case she needed me to drive her somewhere. That's how she put it, anyway.
I had to give up my stock market investing software project because she said it made me "distant". She complained that i spent all day on the computer... and then she would play World of Warcraft for 10 hours per day and complain when I didn't want to play.
It was an unhealthy relationship. I should have left when she became physically abusive. Instead, I stayed. I regret that, not only because my daughter became attached to R but also because I had to explain away R's misbehavior. On more than one occasion, R got physical in front of my daughter. I had to make excuses for R's behavior, reassuring my daughter that she had misunderstood the situation.
Oh, and she complained bitterly, every time I went to synagogue. Don't even get me STARTED on that.
Anyway...
That's the short version. There is more to it than that, of course. There always is.
So, here I go, as I try to move on. Of course, R is still suing me for (half of) everything I've got, refusing to go to real estate mediation, and insisting on showing up at every child custody/visitation hearing, even though she is (rightly) never called as a witness. I wish she would go away, but she won't.
So, I'm going away. I'm moving on. I can't leave town – I have a daughter here – but I can make sure I never have to run into R again. Now that I can listen to NPR, go to synagogue, and shave/bathe/lock doors when I want, I'm much, much happier.