I'm Spiraling, and Scared

So chin up and all that - I did the dating site thing.  Met loads of guys - at least online.  Met one good prospect, or so I thought, but that ended bad.  I am lonely, sad, frustrated, angry.  I have never felt this way before.  I cry all the time - but a "feel sorry for myself" cry.  Not a "I want him back" cry.  I mean, really?  How could this happen to me again?  It's more than I can handle - and I tremble with rage. 
 
My health is suffering.  I have had a blood clot diagnosed, started blood thinning therapy, and have had two strokes in the past five months.  I am alone.  I can't even mow my own fucking lawn because the piece of shit lawn mower that Kevin bought last year is a used piece of crap that is tempermental.  I have attempted now for over four hours to pull the damned cord and start the thing.  I try over and over and over.  It's been 90 here, the effort is monumental, and do you think ONE of my fucking male neighbors would come over and offer assistance?  Umm, NO!  Saturday I tried to start it for 30 minutes, and then attempted to lift it, push it, force it into the trunk of my car to take somewhere to be looked at with no success.  I literally thought I would expire from the effort.  I borrowed a power-washer to do my deck.  I can't do it -  don't have a hose long enough.  Thought I would bring the furniture to the front to do, can't carry it.  I am not a useless person.  I normally take care of everything myself.  Now I can not finish these simple chores to get my summer on track.  So I get mad, and sad, and upset, and frustrated.  That is my life.
 
I changed a lightbulb in the living room sconce.  It blew out all six at once.  I checked the fuse in the basement.  It is not thrown.  Now I need an electrician to come to look.  More money.  The basement is wet because Kevin never bothered to follow through with the regrading of the soil by the house.  Another chore for me to do.  I just spent about 8 hours picking up all the piles of leaves that Kevin so nicely raked and LEFT in the yard.  I filled 24 30 pound bags with leaves and dragged them to the front yard to be picked up.  That was after finally finding a trash company that would service me as Kevin never paid the last two bills to the trash company that was doing my trash before.  I went without any trash service from January to May - hoarding my trash and then taking it to my daughter's townhouse for removal. 
 
I have been trying so hard to be up.  Trying so hard to keep a good attitude.  But I'm sad.  I'm lonely.  I wouldn't mind all this crap if I had SOMEONE to share time with, even just twice a week.  I am young looking.  I am attractive.  I am active and funny and enjoyable.  But I am also 56 years old.  Not in a position to go out hunting for men.  I have no single friends.  In fact, I have no friends at all.  My neighbors have seen me now lose a husband of 25 years, and my fiance of 5 years and not one of them have come to me to see how I am.  I understand them being considerate of my feelings and my privacy, but I feel as though I have no one in my life that cares.  My daughter leans on me for everything, so I cannot let my guard down in front of her.  My brother doesn't give a crap about me.  He's planning his wedding for 9/1/13 - la dee dah.  My parents live in Florida.  I have no other family.  My life was Kevin.  And that stupid son of a bitch lied to me about money and rather than just own up and try and find a solution he did what he is so good at - he ran away.  If I could get the $2500 that the judge awarded me from him that would go a long way towards helping me hire people to do the stuff that I need done now.  But there is no way in hell that he is going to pay me a penny.  No way.  And what do I do about it?  Nothing.  There is nothing I can do.  He has no bank account.  He owns nothing.  He lives with his father.  He screwed me and I'm stuck.  He pays no child support, he pays no taxes.  He has no conscious.  I'm sure he has already justified doing this to me in his head.  He even took over $2000 from my father and has not paid him a penny. 
 
So - I am seeing my doctor about the stroke stuff soon.  I have wavered about asking about a pill for the depression and anxiety.  My daughter will be very upset if I start taking them again.  I did when in the midst of the divorce from her father, and she claims they made me strange.  I was drinking then, with the pills, at times.  I can't do that now because of the blood clots and stroke.  She also doesn't need to know that I am on anything.  I watch her two children about three times a week - they are 5 and 2.  That is her concern.
 
I am honestly so down that I wouldn't mind just dying.  Every day is the same.  Every minute is the same.  And don't tell me to go out and do things.  That's bullshit.  Do what things?  With whom?  I keep busy at home.  I do yard work, I watch movies on Netflix and Amazon.  I read.  I do games on the Kindle.  I watch a few TV shows.  But I am alone!!!!!

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Be strong lady! I was in your shoes a year ago. But I made it through. I realize that I don\'t need anyone to make me happy. I have to be happy with myself first. I cried all the time and felt sorry for myself. I went on meds and I feel so much better. I am happy and content just being by myself. I am 57. Take care of yourself because no one else will. ((((HUG))))
Tesinato
Tesinato

Sorry to hear you are in such a bad place Sandy. I can relate a bit on what your feeling. You are definitely not useless. I think that if you need something to help you with this depression and anxiety, I\'d talk to you doctor about it for sure. They will do strange things to your mood, but that is the price for not feeling so sad.

As far as the lonely thing goes, sadly there isn\'t too much you can do that isn\'t going out to meet people, or doing the online thing. I\'ve been doing the online dating thing myself, and it has amounted to nothing, so I feel ya. People online seem to be so judgmental and such these days, it is kind of sad. As I tell myself, don\'t give up hope. Focus on yourself, and getting your blood clots and such under control, and then hopefully you will be in a better mindset. You are never alone though, you have all of us here to support you and talk to. If you need to talk, I\'m always here to listen, just message me. Feel better soon Sandy, and I hope things improve for you. You deserve better.
CowgirlKathi
CowgirlKathi

Sandy, I don\'t think you ought to be doing the dating thing just yet. Sounds to me like you are still working through the (justified) hurt, anger and dissapointment and that\'s NOT what you want to project into a new relationship. I know all too well what you are experiencing as I broke off my engagement in January and just moved 1,100 miles away in April. Instead of LOOKING for someone new, I signed up for a couple of Meetup groups in town and so far, have met a whole bunch of really fun, interesting and like-minded people. The good thing about Meetups is that it is NOT a dating site so there\'s no pressure. Just people getting together to enjoy activities and the comraderie. Check it out. If you can\'t find a group that interests you, you can start one of your own.
boydie
boydie

I understand exactly how you feel. Exactly. Being single at this stage of the game, the issues you are dealing with....I get ya. Its real. Meetups can be fine if the local groups are ok. Some.... are NOT. I won\'t get into my experiences but they have been as \"wonderful\" as dating. That said some may be ok. Worth checking out but they are no panacea unless you are the type that finds busyness to be the be-all for personal problems. It is true it is early for you to date, it is bullshit that the pickings won\'t be even slimmer than they are now if you wait. The availables are that for a resaon at this age, either way. I didn\'t see myself landing this way either, so you know how sorry I am you feel this way, but it is justified. I don\'t know how to face an empty future myself. Hobbies are NOT the fucking answer for all of us. I hope you find something to hold onto. I have not managed to in all these years, but you like many things I don\'t and many of these pastimes may lead somewhere great for you. Hope so. Hugs.