I'm sorry
Hello everyone
So, for the past few days, aside from getting a new job things have kind of just gotten worse and worse. At first I thought I could handle this. After all, I've been through much worse depressions than this... But the way I've been feeling for the past few months (especially this past week) has been troubling.
I had expected my moods to decline a little slower. This is all my fault, I knew better! I've been playing with the dark side in a way. The only part of my life that seemed to be going right is now flying apart rapidly and Idk what to do.
Meanwhile, my depression has been worsening by the day. I've been declining faster than I thought. It's been screwing with me physically. I've been barely eating, barely sleeping and I feel broken. Damaged in a way that nothing, not love, life, or time could heal anymore.. Like the left overs of some horrible trauma are still to this day causing me this pain. I don't really eat much anymore simply because I don't seem to get hungry as much.
As far back as I can remember though, I was never abused or neglected. I don't understand how I got this way. I can see I suffer from learned helplessness. My thoughts have gotten darker and darker. Although for the most part I can pick out the thoughts that are unhealthy but that doesn't seem to help anymore.
I've known depression to get so bad that it resembles something even more serious. I can remember crying for hours almost every day for days, weeks, sometimes even months at a time. Sometimes I get these emotional breakdowns where I don't seem able to control my thoughts, can't stop crying, shaking, my heart and head start to ache badly...
A number of times it's gotten to the point where I swear the depressions bringing out something even worse in me, like schizophrenia or something. I'll hear voices, see patterns in everything, even the thoughts in my own head would seem to become more malicious and self-destructive.
It once got so bad that I went into a kind of delusional state. Couldn't move, the tears wouldn't go away, my head was spinning and my senses weren't working right. Nothing felt real, nothing looked real. I was completely convinced that I was trapped in some horrible nightmare and the only way out was to kill myself but I couldn't move. My body seized up a little and I was stuck there, lying on the floor crying my eyes out. Horrible, hurtful, hateful thoughts and memories flooded my mind so bad I couldn't even think straight anymore.
Like I said, at first I was so confident I could handle this depression... but what if it gets that bad again? What happens if I have another one of these intense breakdowns and for some reason I'm not paralyzed like last time? I'll probably be alone. I'll probably have access to whatever I need to get it over with... What happens when I loose control?
I'm not scared of death, just how I might go. So far, almost all my previous suicide attempts have always failed because I can't stand the thought of causing my loved one's this kind of pain. I guard it like it's some dark deadly monster that I need to keep a leash on. Like it's some horrible demon that whispers lies in my ear, holds me down and tries to break me.
I'm worthless, hopeless, and damaged. I can see that now. Something is seriously wrong with me. I am broken in ways that can't be fixed. Hurt in ways that can't be healed. Been cursed for so long that even if I were able to lift the curse, the damage has been done and can't be undone.
I want to disappear... I want to be erased. No memories of me left behind. No one to mourn my passing and everyone can just go about their lives without me. Where I once felt like I could take this on, now I'm starting to realize just how overwhelming it is. Just how bad this might get and it scares me.
My mom used to tell me that we choose the lives we live before we're born. Well, I almost didn't survive birth and I can't help but wonder if some part of me knew life would be like this and tried to save myself and everyone else all the pain. I sometimes wonder if forcing myself to be born early was a kind of suicide attempt that failed only because doctors put me in a machine to keep me alive. Sometimes I wonder of forcing myself to stay alive is futile.
Not very many people in real life know the pain I go through. No one knows how bad this gets and I'm scared to tell anyone. I can't even imagine telling my parents.
I don't know what else to say... I just want this to be over with already. This is no way to live. I should be long dead. No matter how bad it's gotten, I just carry on. I carry this false hope that someday it'll all make sense. That something will come along to make it all seem worth it... but I doubt even that would help. It's way too late to reverse the damage done to me to even make it possible for me to feel completely better.
How did I even get this way? I came from a loving home. Never been abused or anything like that. No horribly traumatic childhood or anything. I'm a good person, kind, honest, easy going.. Is this a karma thing? Did I really do something that horrible in a past life that it just ripples through my current life? I can't even imagine what I could have ever done to deserve this. I don't feel like I deserve this. I feel like I've suffered enough. Done my time, made up for all I've ever done wrong and then some.
Unless I completely loose touch with reality, I'll survive this. I have to, I can't not.. But I'm falling apart. My mind has become a very scary place again. It's truly a strange sensation to be able to watch myself go through this but not be able to do anything about it...
So, for the past few days, aside from getting a new job things have kind of just gotten worse and worse. At first I thought I could handle this. After all, I've been through much worse depressions than this... But the way I've been feeling for the past few months (especially this past week) has been troubling.
I had expected my moods to decline a little slower. This is all my fault, I knew better! I've been playing with the dark side in a way. The only part of my life that seemed to be going right is now flying apart rapidly and Idk what to do.
Meanwhile, my depression has been worsening by the day. I've been declining faster than I thought. It's been screwing with me physically. I've been barely eating, barely sleeping and I feel broken. Damaged in a way that nothing, not love, life, or time could heal anymore.. Like the left overs of some horrible trauma are still to this day causing me this pain. I don't really eat much anymore simply because I don't seem to get hungry as much.
As far back as I can remember though, I was never abused or neglected. I don't understand how I got this way. I can see I suffer from learned helplessness. My thoughts have gotten darker and darker. Although for the most part I can pick out the thoughts that are unhealthy but that doesn't seem to help anymore.
I've known depression to get so bad that it resembles something even more serious. I can remember crying for hours almost every day for days, weeks, sometimes even months at a time. Sometimes I get these emotional breakdowns where I don't seem able to control my thoughts, can't stop crying, shaking, my heart and head start to ache badly...
A number of times it's gotten to the point where I swear the depressions bringing out something even worse in me, like schizophrenia or something. I'll hear voices, see patterns in everything, even the thoughts in my own head would seem to become more malicious and self-destructive.
It once got so bad that I went into a kind of delusional state. Couldn't move, the tears wouldn't go away, my head was spinning and my senses weren't working right. Nothing felt real, nothing looked real. I was completely convinced that I was trapped in some horrible nightmare and the only way out was to kill myself but I couldn't move. My body seized up a little and I was stuck there, lying on the floor crying my eyes out. Horrible, hurtful, hateful thoughts and memories flooded my mind so bad I couldn't even think straight anymore.
Like I said, at first I was so confident I could handle this depression... but what if it gets that bad again? What happens if I have another one of these intense breakdowns and for some reason I'm not paralyzed like last time? I'll probably be alone. I'll probably have access to whatever I need to get it over with... What happens when I loose control?
I'm not scared of death, just how I might go. So far, almost all my previous suicide attempts have always failed because I can't stand the thought of causing my loved one's this kind of pain. I guard it like it's some dark deadly monster that I need to keep a leash on. Like it's some horrible demon that whispers lies in my ear, holds me down and tries to break me.
I'm worthless, hopeless, and damaged. I can see that now. Something is seriously wrong with me. I am broken in ways that can't be fixed. Hurt in ways that can't be healed. Been cursed for so long that even if I were able to lift the curse, the damage has been done and can't be undone.
I want to disappear... I want to be erased. No memories of me left behind. No one to mourn my passing and everyone can just go about their lives without me. Where I once felt like I could take this on, now I'm starting to realize just how overwhelming it is. Just how bad this might get and it scares me.
My mom used to tell me that we choose the lives we live before we're born. Well, I almost didn't survive birth and I can't help but wonder if some part of me knew life would be like this and tried to save myself and everyone else all the pain. I sometimes wonder if forcing myself to be born early was a kind of suicide attempt that failed only because doctors put me in a machine to keep me alive. Sometimes I wonder of forcing myself to stay alive is futile.
Not very many people in real life know the pain I go through. No one knows how bad this gets and I'm scared to tell anyone. I can't even imagine telling my parents.
I don't know what else to say... I just want this to be over with already. This is no way to live. I should be long dead. No matter how bad it's gotten, I just carry on. I carry this false hope that someday it'll all make sense. That something will come along to make it all seem worth it... but I doubt even that would help. It's way too late to reverse the damage done to me to even make it possible for me to feel completely better.
How did I even get this way? I came from a loving home. Never been abused or anything like that. No horribly traumatic childhood or anything. I'm a good person, kind, honest, easy going.. Is this a karma thing? Did I really do something that horrible in a past life that it just ripples through my current life? I can't even imagine what I could have ever done to deserve this. I don't feel like I deserve this. I feel like I've suffered enough. Done my time, made up for all I've ever done wrong and then some.
Unless I completely loose touch with reality, I'll survive this. I have to, I can't not.. But I'm falling apart. My mind has become a very scary place again. It's truly a strange sensation to be able to watch myself go through this but not be able to do anything about it...
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