I'm Sorry

To My Wonderful Life Partner-- You've been gone since May 22, and now when I look at our pictures you're just there.  No feelings of love, emotion, etc.  Why do I feel this way?  It makes me feel terrible, like I don't care about you anymore.  Like you never existed.  Like you aren't worthy of feeling love and warmth for.  What is wrong with me?  Is this part of grieving?  Am I a heartless person, or have I struggled so hard to feel better that it has been more important than grieving for you? All I know is that I miss you.  The void is there every day, but I know you can't come back.  I go to the cemetery and see the temporary marker still, and it's like you are part of my past. I hope you continue to love me, watch over me, and come back for me when it is my time to join you.  I hope you understand this horrible process of grief, loneliness, pain, and depression. You didn't want or ask to leave, and I didn't want or ask to be handed a life thrown back into singleness.  Will I survive?  I don't know, but I hope so.  Only you and God have that answer. Love, Debbie

Replies

Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe

Debbie - there\'s nothing wrong with you - and yes, this is a part of grieving. I can assure you I have asked myself these exact questions. You have sustained a great trauma in your life. Ask yourself this: if you had a physical ailment, a broken leg, something more severe (G-d forbid), it would be a given that you would take care of yourself, and understand that you needed to heal. A kind widow said to me, very early out, \"you\'re like a raw wound right now\". And she was right. Your heart and brain are working together to try to understand. You will survive. Hugs, Marsha
deleted_user
deleted_user

I also think this is part of the grieving process. I remember that when I was taking care of my husband, there were days when I cried all the time and did my best to hide it from him so as not to upset him. There were some other days, however, when I was like a robot, I didn\'t seem to feel anything at all. It shocked me and worried me, I thought I was turning heartless and cold. But now I understand that it was a defence mechanism. We go through so much that maybe there are moments when our minds need some time off, to let us carry on with the process later without going too crazy. Take good care of yourself. Love from Sil
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

You have endured so much pain your mind and emotions are in shock. It\'s numbness that you feel not a lack of caring. I had the same thing happen to me. Your mind has a way of protecting itself when it\'s had enough. Don\'t worry he is watching over you. His spirit walks with you as your spirit flys with him. You were joined in love and the spirit never loses that part of each other. Sharon
Community LeaderShrn
Shrn

You have endured so much pain your mind and emotions are in shock. It\'s numbness that you feel not a lack of caring. I had the same thing happen to me. Your mind has a way of protecting itself when it\'s had enough. Don\'t worry he is watching over you. His spirit walks with you as your spirit flys with him. You were joined in love and the spirit never loses that part of each other. Sharon
jerseydebbie
jerseydebbie

Thank you all for your kind words. It really bothers me that it is a mind blockage and I am spending so much time surviving each day, that I don\'t feel what I should be for Dick. When you haven\'t lived on your own for 31 years, and you are alone, you get very overwhelmed and reach a point where you believe you just can\'t do it anymore. But there are no options for me other than to get use to it. Tough hand thrown at me, but I pray to the Lord all the time to take me where he needs me to go and be. I can\'t give up what we have, but I don\'t like it either. The emotional turmoil is horrible at times.