I’m so sick of feeling like this

I am so sick of feeling like this, I suffer from bi polar and ptsd.

I have had a relationship with a psychopath for two years then the last year we basically have just been sleeping together so in all a total of three years.

I have gone no contact for a month and four days, everyday I have flashbacks and can’t get him out of my mind at times it feels as though I am going insaine....I am so disgusted with myself for being in love with him, I read and read every day and night about psychopaths and a lot of my feelings make scence and I understand they are predators and evil, he is very sadistic. 

It feels like my insides are ripped out and I have this back and forth tearing at my soul because I have a lot of guilt which I know he is really good at projection and blaming me, he has physically and emotionally broke me, sometimes I wonder if the pain will ever end, he just shows up at my house so I have to be ready because if he surprises me my emotions take over and I can’t see things clearly and end up letting him back into my life to hurt me all over again, it sucks because all I did is fall in love with him, I could see red flags and he wasn’t right but I have issues too and I felt like I could help him, but psychopaths can not change it’s a faulty brain wiring plus abuse on top of it, he takes no responsibility for his actions everything is everyone else’s fault, I know I can never go back because I am lucky I made it out alive and not crippled it got that bad.

So why am I not happy to be free, why do at times I miss him probably because I miss what we had in the beginning but was it real? My Love was real, he is a pathological lier, if I would catch him in a lie he would always deny it and turn it around to make me seem crazy, that was so infuriating, when I look back on it now I didn’t want to believe he was lying, I didn’t want to see reality, I was in major denial and depression and at that point even though he was tearing me down all the time I was so used to it.

Its so sad, I have read over and over time will make things better, I have tried but I always unblock him and he calls, texts or just shows up and then I am back to square one and every time it feels worse, the worst part is that I disappoint myself, this time I have to be strong but it is so hard, no one understands unless they have gone threw it, it is comparable to an addiction, and I feel depressed everyday, sometimes I have thoughts that I’m so tired of living this way but if I ended it he would end up winning and I know I deserve to be happy even though it seems impossible at the moment, that’s why it’s so important to make it this time because the more I let him into my life the shorter my life becomes.....