I\'m ready

I'm both depressed and hopeful as I finally see a way to take some control of my fate.  I've thought about having gastric bypass or lapband surgery for years but it frightened me and the cost was prohibitive.  We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and have the 1st of 3 sons in college.  Then our hospital sold and the new owners brought with them an insurance policy that covers bariatric surgery - no pre-qualifiers or anything.  A world of hope opened up. Today I weigh 306lbs at 5' 4.5" and the mandatory informational seminar is day after tomorrow.  I've been researching my surgical options ever since I found out about the new policy.  Unfortunately my own hospital doesn't do bariatrics so my coverage is not as good as it would have been but at least at 80% coverage it becomes an option I never had before.  I'm getting some resistance from my husband because we came so close to bankruptcy and are finally getting our financial feet back on the ground after a refinance.  He doesn't consider this an essential expense...but he's not carrying an extra 150lbs everywhere he goes.  Strap that weight to his body and I bet he'd be changing his tune really quickly! I am frightened.  Frightened about what will happen if I don't do this.  Frightened about what will happen if I do.  I'm on the highest dose of the strongest statin yet my cholesterol is still high.  My triglycerides were critical at almost 600 at one point.  They're still high now but are significantly better (about 160) thanks to 3600mg of fish oil/day.  At my last routine lab test my fasting blood sugar was 166.  That scared me the worst.  The glucose tolerance test that followed was within normal limits but every time I get my labs checked I'm closer and closer to the inevitable diagnosis of Type II Diabetes. So many people depend on me to function at a high level and every day it gets harder to do.  I work fulltime 12-hour nightshifts...usually 6 in a row, this week I'm working 8.  We have a farm that requires a lot of physical labor...and spring is coming soon!  I have 3 sons that need so much to prepare them for the fast-approaching real world.  I have an online business that requires a tremendous amount of time and energy...neither of which I have much of. Then there's the house that always seems to be a mess and I just can't face it. The physical pain of my weight is affecting my work to the point that I wonder how much longer I can be a nurse yet if I don't work fulltime+ my family will end up in bankruptcy.  Bending over beds to help my patients causes my back to burn so bad it brings tears to my eyes sometimes.  I come home barely able to walk because of the pain in my feet.  I put my feet up to relax and become so stiff I can barely get out of the chair.  The skin on my ankles and calves burns like fire from being stretched so tightly with swelling.  I wake up in pain.  I live in pain. I go to sleep in pain.  Do I really have a choice?  If I could do this surgery yesterday I would! So, I write this now to remind myself in the future why I am doing this.  When those tough moments come and I wonder if I should have made this choice...I need to read this and remember how close I came to not having a life at all.