I'm pathetic

What a messed up life. I love someone I will never have. An imaginary person. I hate the one I should love. I have no desire to continue this sharade we call life. I sit here with my razor at my side. The anxiety is overwhelming. I just don't know if I can or if I want to hold on anymore. The bottle of pills sits next to me too. Already had three, I think. Took 10 last night in hopes it would make me feel better. I'm not sure if it did or not. It does help me to not cut, but it doesnt feel good like the razor does.  How can he care so little? Disregard me so easily. Blanetly ignore me. See me in my depression filled anxiety and just turn his head. Ignore it. Not his problem. I'm jus being dramatic. Its a phase. I just want attention. I'm a nag. I talk too much. He just wants his freedom. I'm a burden...So, here I sit typing this with my razor and pills at my side. Utterly alone. All I have are these friends of mine. Tears fill my eyes as I think about how sad and pathetic I am. I have no one to reach out to. No one I can trust with this burden of truth. How can you tell anyone about how you feel? Tell them about your problems. So I sit alone falling further and further into the abyss. Grab a few more pills. Swallow...look at the razor. Pick it up. Manage to set it back down, skin still intact.If I could drink I'm positive I'd be drunk by now. Same with last night. I'm so tired of this feeling. Saying fuck it and not caring can only work for so long. At least for me. I've got too much on my shoulders to jus not care. To just give up.ONe thing I know for sure is that if I didn't have a child I'd be dead. I would have done it a long time ago. Thats the one thing that keeps me here on this hell we call earth. Over 14 years of pain. Half my life spent in such pain. Depression. Cuttting. Drugs. Alcohol. Pills. Addiction. Suicide attempts that were half hearted.
I swear all I need is for someone to care. To honestly care how I am and when I'm doing shitty drop everything and just be here for me. But thats too much to ask of anyone. Even a spouse. How selfish of me.
So I sit here alone in my pool of tears. My only friends who have always been here for me no matter what at my side. Thanks for understanding me. Being there any time I need to release these horrible thoughts and feelings. You are my comfort. All it takes is a few strokes of the hand and I feel better. When you're with me I know you can make me better...