I’m on a Societal Death Row

In two years, I’m going to be an adult. With everything I’ve heard, I’m already terrified.

With my dad spending almost a whole week in the ER–leaving the rest of us alone (my parents are divorced, so save for my autistic brother, it was only kids at home), I learnt that I am good at managing a household on my own as an adult could–as adults have told me. Meanwhile, though, I didn’t have to pay bills, buy things, or work to earn money while we were home alone. My dad and neighbors helped with that.

I have been trying very hard from an even younger age than I’m at now to get a headstart on my career, if for any other reason, to gain some understanding of what I’ll have to do. However, I’ve found that I struggle on countless factors to succeed–lack of an attention span, fear, and perfectionism–and am afraid that even if I can get something done, I won’t be able to financially take care of myself. My primary aspirations, career-wise, are notoriously hard to achieve, and apparently don’t even pay that well. As for any of my other passions I could make a career out of, I fear that I’m not smart enough to make something out of those passions.

There are adults on here who have a hold on this, aren’t there? What if I end up on the streets? So far, that’s the only future I see for myself; with the crippling debt of college, my lack of an understanding on financial management, and so far showing no hope of forming a promising career, I feel I’m absolutely, positively fucked. I have never wanted to die as much as I do now. I don’t think I should give up yet, but what am I going to do? I have two years left to save myself from having my life being plunged into Hell ((six if I go to college)), and I’m more lost than I have ever felt.