I'm not happy
I'm depressed. That's why I haven't been on here. Why would God take my rainbow baby? right before thanksgiving and christmas?? I got pregnant RIGHT AFTER Sopia's birthday. If God had plans for me to not have kids right now why would he fix it so it all happened during these normally "happy times"?
We got Sophia's temporary headstone back, it's white granite engraved with a little teddy bear and her name and birthday. It's sitting on my bookcase. I can't think of where to put it or what to do with it.
On Saturday I saw a picture in my mom's album of her sister Patty's only child, he was a boy (forgive me God I forgot his name), who was born very unhealthy and only lived a few hours. The picture is just him looking so small and tired, a respirator in his nose and purple bags under his eyes... It was such a shock. I have seen this picture over and over and over again my whole life, and I felt bad but it did not resonant with me until now. When I saw it all I could think of was "what was his name? what color were his eyes? did Aunt patty get to hold his little hands in hers or sing him a lullaby before he was gone?" and I feel such a connection to my Aunt Patty now because, I UNDERSTAND what she must have gone through. And back in the 70'S people did not talk about this, and knowing my moms suffocating family I know she must have been very alone. She was never able to have another kid, so she ended up twice divorced and living in a trailer with like 7 Pomeranians.
(I've never met her, my mom and her family are estranged. that's why I don't know any of the details.)
It just makes me sad. I want to try to get up and drag some hope back into this house. I've been thinking of buying a christmas tree, even though I normally don't celebrate, just to cheer up my boyfriend. He seems pretty depressed too. I just, don't know.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING BUT I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!
****SCREEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMM****
We got Sophia's temporary headstone back, it's white granite engraved with a little teddy bear and her name and birthday. It's sitting on my bookcase. I can't think of where to put it or what to do with it.
On Saturday I saw a picture in my mom's album of her sister Patty's only child, he was a boy (forgive me God I forgot his name), who was born very unhealthy and only lived a few hours. The picture is just him looking so small and tired, a respirator in his nose and purple bags under his eyes... It was such a shock. I have seen this picture over and over and over again my whole life, and I felt bad but it did not resonant with me until now. When I saw it all I could think of was "what was his name? what color were his eyes? did Aunt patty get to hold his little hands in hers or sing him a lullaby before he was gone?" and I feel such a connection to my Aunt Patty now because, I UNDERSTAND what she must have gone through. And back in the 70'S people did not talk about this, and knowing my moms suffocating family I know she must have been very alone. She was never able to have another kid, so she ended up twice divorced and living in a trailer with like 7 Pomeranians.
(I've never met her, my mom and her family are estranged. that's why I don't know any of the details.)
It just makes me sad. I want to try to get up and drag some hope back into this house. I've been thinking of buying a christmas tree, even though I normally don't celebrate, just to cheer up my boyfriend. He seems pretty depressed too. I just, don't know.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING BUT I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!!
****SCREEEEEEAAAAAAAAMMM****
Replies
Oh Sweetie, I am so sorry. I wish I could take all of your pain away. Life is so unfair and unfortunately, I have no answers. If I had the answers, I would not feel the way I do right now.
All I can say is, I\'ve learned so much in life in the 18 years since I was your age. I wish I could bring back your rainbow. But, I have no way of making wishes come true because if I did... this would be a \"Mommy n Me site\" vs Baby Loss.
My heart Aches for and with you!!!
Many Hugs!!!
Nneka
Don\'t worry, I am sure you won\'t end up in a trailer with multiple Pomeranians!! It is so harsh to have to go through both a stillbirth and an MC, it does drain you of hope, but there is still hope, and whilst you have a chance, hope will smolder on... I pray that the new year will bring new things, and that sophia and your rainbow will now be conspiring together in heaven, planning for you some happiness... sending hugs
I can only when I think of all the unfairness life throws at us. I can\'t ask God, \'Why\'? because He is God & I trust He knows best with whatever He plans or allows to happen.
Well, I know the feeling. Christmas is right around the corner & the only thing I\'m holding on to is HOPE, FAITH. My Ashley is still comatose but seems to be progressing. I am not even thinking of buying a Christmas tree. What is Christmas if my little one is not home?
I told my BF I feel like I\'m falling apart, but I know very well there\'s nothing my BF can do for me bcuz he has his own problems.
So one thing keeps me SANE; I constantly tell myself: BE HUMBLE, BE PATIENT & BE STRONG in The Lord. As long as you have life, there is hope. Please believe this.