I'm jut not sure

Have you ever come to a point in your life where your just kinda there. Where some days some moments are ok but most of the time you are either hurt or just feel like you have hit your ending point. I can see thing not nesasarly going in a negative way but just not moving forward. I think about the past and realized I thought I was making some progress but I really haven't granted I have stayed away from drinking and drugs and I have done my best to not self harm but it's breaking me down in other ways now. Even when I try I find myself with drawling from everything. I get told all the time I need to say something and not be such a push over but that dose nothing. Every time I step up and say something it backfires. I love my boys more than anything in the world don't get me wrong but I want to have the urge to live for more than just them. I want to want to live just to live. I don't want to always have this feeling at wanting to just give up and end it all. My he thing I want the most is the one set person that is supposed to love me for ever no matter what to actually love me. Not to hurt me because is is unhappy with himself. I'm unhappy with myself but that dosent give me right to hurt him.