I'm just so pissed at him!
There are so many things that could have been done differently. A) if he was unhappy, he certainly didn't have to reassure me everytime I was feeling insecure that he loved me so much and wanted nothing else; b) he could have communicated he feelings like we talked about in counseling for a year!; and c) he could have put some effort into making us work.
But as mom says, I'm putting too much emphasis on "he". I can't control him, his future, or our past. It no longer matters why he left. As I've told my counselor, the result is the same. I've secretly been hoping that he'll call me and say that he's made a terrible mistake. I would then tell him he needs to live on his own for a year and get exstensive therapy. How silly that I still have a desire to have a future with him. Really, I'm a pretty strong person, intelligent with a decent career. How many times do I have to let this person shit on me before I get it? I know deep down that it's over on a permanent basis, I think my heart is bargaining with the situation as a defense mechanism.
My boys are so wonderful to me and have seen their mother cry way too much. In the beginning he kept telling them how they have to be there for me. Well guess what shithead? they didn't sign up for that, you did!
That's what makes me so angry. He doesn't acknowledge how hard this is on the boys and how much damage he did. Not just when he left, but the affair the addiction, all of it. It must be a wonderful feeling to be so free of guilt. To move effortlessly through the destruction you cause and actually be happy. I wouldn't know. I think I've always put others' feelings before my own.
I haven't written in weeks, and I know it's the best therapy for me. I will try to journal every day even if I don't feel like it so when I think I'm missing him I can come back and remember what a total asshole he is.
But as mom says, I'm putting too much emphasis on "he". I can't control him, his future, or our past. It no longer matters why he left. As I've told my counselor, the result is the same. I've secretly been hoping that he'll call me and say that he's made a terrible mistake. I would then tell him he needs to live on his own for a year and get exstensive therapy. How silly that I still have a desire to have a future with him. Really, I'm a pretty strong person, intelligent with a decent career. How many times do I have to let this person shit on me before I get it? I know deep down that it's over on a permanent basis, I think my heart is bargaining with the situation as a defense mechanism.
My boys are so wonderful to me and have seen their mother cry way too much. In the beginning he kept telling them how they have to be there for me. Well guess what shithead? they didn't sign up for that, you did!
That's what makes me so angry. He doesn't acknowledge how hard this is on the boys and how much damage he did. Not just when he left, but the affair the addiction, all of it. It must be a wonderful feeling to be so free of guilt. To move effortlessly through the destruction you cause and actually be happy. I wouldn't know. I think I've always put others' feelings before my own.
I haven't written in weeks, and I know it's the best therapy for me. I will try to journal every day even if I don't feel like it so when I think I'm missing him I can come back and remember what a total asshole he is.
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Journaling IS good therapy...I have kept hand written journals for decades and since I didn\'t know about DS when I was going through the 18 Months of Hell, I wrote almost non-stop at times. I filled 13 college-ruled notebooks between August 2005 and March 2007. Lots of thoughts and lots of words -- all my thoughts and feelings down on paper. It was very helpful to be able to read back over them and measure my personal growth as the time went on.
It\'s perfectly normal to feel this level of anger, my friend. I believe it\'s healthy to get in touch with it and work it out in your own way. And I am glad to read your ruminations about \"under what conditions\" he could perhaps get another chance with you -- I went through all that, too; my therapist encouraged it. But then I realized that the list of \"he must do\'s\" was so long that there was no way he would ever consider doing even ONE of them -- the big one being getting into therapy for himself and for our marriage. Hell, he refused to do that for the 30 years we were together, so what made me think he would do it after I kicked his sorry ass to the curb.
You are getting stronger every day -- keep up the great work! I am very proud of you!
I could have written this. No addiction though, just addicted to himself. I journal all the time-helps me think clearer.
I don\'t journal enough, I know , but when I do its helpful just to get those feelings out on paper, or on the screen, whatever. I applaud your commitment to doing it, or just to recognizing that if you do it, it will be beneficial. Stay strong. Sending you a hug and a hope for a good week ahead.