I'm just not ME anymore
I used to be that mon that rose with the sun in the morning, I had my days scheduled to the hour. My kids always had a special activity planned during the summer days, I homeschooled when school was out, my friends would tell me I got more done by 10am then they did all day. Now I am the last to wake up, I spend an hour just lying in my bed thinking about the crash and the different ways I could have changed the out come. I don't know how to move forward without Jarrett, in many ways and many years he defined who I was...with him I was super mom, always ready to come to his rescue, fight for his rights and make things the best they could be for him. There wasn't a school function I didn't attend, a doctors appointment I wasn't at, our doctor once asked me to come speak at a parenting seminar he held for families with special needs kids. I was the mom everyother mom looked up to. The mom that went out if her way to make those rare Halloween costumes just so he would be the only kid in the city to have that character, the mom who made goodies for the class and always gave presents to the teachers. I SHOULD have been able to protect him from this, it's MY JOB! How can I be that mom again for Jonny? How can I give everything to Jon, when I feel like I have nothing left? I just want my Jarrett back where he belongs....with me :(
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You are in deep grief and sorrow dear friend. How could you not be feeling and experiencing all that you are... Your planets have collided in the most tragic way possible and you look in the mirror and wonder who is that woman gazing back? I know... it has been almost three years for me and I\'m just beginning to discover who I am underneath this heavy cloak of grief and loss. Yes, it is our job to protect our children and we could not this time... I don\'t know why and it is heartbreaking. You are still and will always be a mother and Jonny needs you and whatever you can give him is enough for now. Do not beat yourself up for not being to give more than you have as just holding him in your arms is enough more than enough. There are no super moms in grief... just BE and allow yourself to feel everything and know that you are among moms who understand and will walk beside you. I know that you are the best mom ever and have to poke around in each tiny corner to remember yet you are. There was nothing you could have done to divert this tragedy or you would have... I\'m so sorry and my heart aches with you. Just do this moment and rest in the knowledge that whatever you are giving Jonny right now is enough... he is learning how to accept his feelings of grief and loss by watching you and just as you don\'t expect him not to cry and be sad he understands this is something that you must do as well. Allow yourself to feel it all and we are here every step of the way. Much love, Joanie
I have a friend who suffered a traumatic brain injury 20 years ago and suffers to this day with occasional seizures and other physical issues. Not long ago she wrote this to me:
\"... Somehow the hole in your life\'s tapestry will get sewn back together. It\'s not the same tapestry, the scar will always be there but it\'s not front, center and ruining the rest of the tapestry. It\'s not making the rest of the tapestry unrecognizable... I learned that I had to deal with it rather than try to make sense of it. Dealing with troubles, loss, death, injury, what helps me (and you I suspect) is talking at the right time with the right people. Yes?\"
I found her description of the tapestry of our lives to be really helpful and I hope that you will too. You ARE still you but you have suffered an unimaginable shock to your sense of self and it will take time for you to begin to recognize some of the old familiar pieces. In the meantime, just keep on doing whatever it take to care for yourself and sweet little Jonny.
Sending love and thoughts of peace and comfort ~ Debbie
For such a long time, I suffered with these thoughts. I was always there for my son, when he was sick, hurt or anything...I was always there and could fix it. But the day he died, I was not there. I was at church and not there when my son needed me most. Maybe I could have saved him. This tore me up for a long time. I have come to realize that we don\'t have control over these things that happen. There was nothing I could have done. But it took me awhile to come to this. You are very fresh and new in your grief. It\'s hard to see beyond today. But Jonny needs you and Jarrett is watching over you all. You will always be Jonny & Jarrett\'s mom. The hurt will always be there as will a piece of your heart be missing. It will become lighter, but in the meantime, take care of you and do what makes you feel better. Continue to talk about it, journal and anything else that helps you ease the pain just a little bit. Thinking of you.....Love, Kim
It isn\'t fair...life should be different than it is now...and yet...it is what it is. You can replay all the events of the day of the accident...and see where if one thing were changed the outcome would be different. I know you feel like you need to think through all of that...but it does no good. There is no way you could have known that this would happen. You are a wonderful mom...you did all of the right things...and what a advocate you were for Jarrett. And in time, you can be that for Jon. It will be hard...but you will do it for him...because he needs mom. But, for now...just try to make it moment to moment. Love to you...Karen
All of you are such amazing women and I am more grateful for all of your wisdom and encouragement than you will ever know. Thank you for being there for me helping me get through the worst time of my life. Bless you all.
For me, I had to reach a point of realization and acceptance that I had always done everything I could to the best of my ability at any given time. Was my best always THE best? No. But I no longer beat myself up over my \"failures\" as a parent. Nor have I continued in the negative space of blaming myself for not protecting my child. You were and ARE an awesome mom! You\'ve given and given and given....lovingly and unselfishly. It is in your nature to nurture, protect, love, and be \"supermom\". It is simply who you are. That core has not changed...not really. The deepest part of who you are remains, but your grief has momentarily covered it with a blanket of sorrow beyond expression. I have a feeling that even sooner than you think possible, you will once again be Jon\'s supermom. In everything I did, and still do, I ask myself this, \"will this make Kala proud of me\". It\'s one thing I can do that gives me motivation to keep putting one foot in front of the other in a positive way. Perhaps you may find that thinking about ways in which to make Jarrett proud would help you too?? Things like playing with Jon, attending PTA meetings once again, making that special, one of a kind Halloween costume for Jon, and once again speaking at parenting seminars. Yes, this grief is HUGE....beyond words, and it takes so much energy from us, but one thing I\'ve learned so far on my journey.....LOVE is even stronger than grief. In everything I do, I do to the honor of my child because of the intense and never ending love I have for her. Jarrett and Kala are not with us physically, but they ARE with us...watching us...loving us...sending us special messages...and encouraging us to LIVE. The greatest gift we can give Jarrett and Kala is to live in joy and peace. I know it seems impossible in the beginning...and in the beginning it is impossible. But somehow, somewhere along the way.....we do find we can reenter life and enjoy it and our families and friends once again. I wish you LOVE, peace, and joy as you continue to make Jarrett proud as you always have, love, Teri.
Nature has a way of protecting us at first by numbing the reality of losing our children, but as time goes on that numbing starts to wear off and the pain is excruciating. I think that is what is happening to you dear friend, the hurt gets worse before it gets better. You have a strong faith, I know from the notes you write to me and other Moms. That is what will get you through this. Sending you prayers and love, Terry