I\'m in shock! Just total shock!

I really wonder how I can be so niave?  Am I so blind, dumb, or just plain unwilling to admit things to myself? Now, keep in mind, the new MRI's have shown not only a benign hemangioma on T11, but my new neuro had mentioned prior a lesion on T1 but didn't notate it, and the new MRI's show a spot in my right occipital (back) of brain.  This has me really wondering and scared.  Include into this my jerks are worse, as is my balance, and ah, heck, everything physically.  My regular Dr Wonderful has sworn since 2003 that I have MS and he has stuck by that but I refuse it as the tests before (spinal/MRI) showed nothing.  Now, I did a little research, and the "spots" could indicate a rare blood disorder where cysts just form, but in the back of my brain I keep thinking......MS?????  Then I REFUSE to buy into that. However, today I had to speak with a MS & Neurological Support group to see if they wanted to use me to obtain grants, etc.  I have been praying for a way to make money at home and told God if this was it, to just shove me thru the door otherwise, close it solid tight. I WAS SO UNPREPARED FOR WHAT I SAW!  OH DEAR JESUS HELP ME!    People, everywhere, people, crippled, shaking, breathing oxygen, wheelchairs, canes, etc.  All I could think is "Dear God, is this my future?"  No, I didn't let it show.  I smiled, greeted all, shook hands, etc.  No one but God & I knew what turmoil was inside of me.  I guess my years of management and being able to compartmentalize my emotions finally was greatly greatly appreciated. I did accept to help them and it will pay me.  They didn't even think twice as they each had a copy of my resume and I explained the truth that there is NO guareentee on grants being approved but we would try.   I also was so appalled at how they are being treated by landlords, medical care services, etc.  I thought, this is just NOT RIGHT! I just can't leave them unaided.  They seem so lost about how systems work and their rights and who to go to.  Their fear over certain issues is very real and truly well founded.  Loop holes exists but I told them there are backdoors to the Catch 22 junk. I also am left wondering something....I've been praying for God to grant me the eyes, mind, heart, and attitude of Jesus.  That like Elisha, who recv'd Elijah's mantle double fold, that I would receive the mantle of Jesus in double fold.  Is this what it is like to see thru Jesus' eyes?  How could His heart stand it?  Dear God, as I sit here crying just thinking of them poor souls suffering physically, emotionally, mentally and if that weren't enough, suffering the injustice of so called "civilized society"? Where is our humanity?  Where is our compassion? Or am I, as my mom says, a "cock-eyed optimist"?   Oh, dear Jesus, to be able to block out those images and yet, I don't want to forget.  I don't want a hard heart that doesn't break at someone's pain.  Yet, I wonder how shall I bear it?   The answer is only one.....to take it to my Lord, Jesus Christ, lay it all at His feet for He has blessed me by answering my prayer to see as He sees.  For that, I am grateful.  As painful as it is, I willing say "YES" to be more like my Saviour in my eyesight, in my thoughts/attitudes, in my sense of justice & caring.  Love, true love, must also be willing to risk pain. Thank you, my precious Saviour and Lord Jesus for prayer answered.  Again, I humbly ask, YOUR MANTLE IN DOUBLE FOLD.