I'm happy?
Right now, today, things are better. But I'm anxious. He tends to take me down to the bottom of this roller coaster ride ever 3-6 months. This period of calm took a lot of work. He was drinking and hanging out with his best/only friend who was best man at our wedding. He is paralyzed with partial arm function, but works full time as a teacher still. They end up at his house and his friend always invites a different group of colleagues /teachers he knows. Often women, of course. His friend is single. My husband would stay out way past 2 and I found him at 4 am 2 weeks in a row with one of the single teachers passed out in another room while his friend was already in bed. Supposedly nothing happened between he and this woman who spouts bible verses on her Facebook like she is a preacher. This was in December and I went to the lawyer to file for divorce.
But, again, I gave in to his desires to keep trying. His apologies. We finally went to real therapy. It was so awful, so painful for me. I live with all the pain bottled up and it was a weekly prying open of this lid that keeps me held together. Eventually, I broke and begged him to just stop trying. Just give up and realize that I will forever be broken. I will forever live with the anxiety that the next drama is around the corner with him. Because it always comes. He loses his clarity of vision on his choice and strays off the path that keeps us together. He was not willing to stop trying and I laid out how I will never be ok with him hanging with other women when I'm not around, ever. He agreed, but he admitted he resented it since he's just there to be with his friend. Anyone else there is just a distraction. They are not his friends, and on and on...With all that has happened, I don't understand why I would HAVE to ask. Just blows me away. But he has held to this and not staying out past 12. Of course I have a tracker on his phone, too.
But right now, we are ok. We are the greatest of lovers and roommates and parenting together is good. And we have had fun hanging out lately too. Holding my breath.
Replies
My husband was ridiculously resentful about having to give up contact with all his female work "friends". I was resentful that I had to ask - it seemed an obvious thing considering his affair was a workplace affair.
It sounds like the trade off of being such great partners and having fun together is a really great trade and your husband must think so, too, or he wouldn't even try. Sucks that it's such a hard road to get there.
For what it's worth? My husband extolles the virtues and value of our marriage and relationship and in us spending time together anytime the guys give him crap about not going out after work for drinks or whatever. And he sincerely means it. "Nah - I like you guys but I'm gonna be hanging out with my best friend which is way better. Sorry!" (Actual text he sent to their group text.)
I would never stop my husband from having an appropriate friendship, but he definitely sees what's appropriate and not after all these years, which he def didn't in the early times of our recovery.
Good luck to you both. You've come so far and deserve much happiness.
Guess what? He was trashed and drove and wrecked his truck. I was in my own vehicle because I refuse to argue over his drinking and driving anymore. I had a friend, her kid, and our 2 kids. They all got to see him at his finest as a professional drunk. He crashe into a brick retaining wall and broke the right front wheel, whole wheel, off his truck. I had to send my friend and the kids home in Uber. It was a private residence and security company and somehow he did not get a DWI.
He had this deep heart to heart with the kids the next day. He would not drink around them again. THey talked about how he always has a beer in his hand and my oldest hates itt
Now he says that they have a problem with drinking because they learn from watching my reactions. I say, who taught me to have those reactions? But I'm the reason the kids think alchohol is evil. Never once have I said it's evil. I like to have a drink. He's a loser drunk who is just gonna be my roommate and coparent with me till kids are out of the house. I have nothing left.