I'm falling in a hole
I think I may be decompensating in a physical or psychological way. My body hurts all over. Emotionally/mentally I am a vapid waste of space, only angry or crying or empty. I cannot hardly play dumb facebook puzzle games or read or pay attention to the television. I'm kind of dizzy. Everything feels like complete shit and I don't have a reason or explanation. My life is not so bad. My kids are relative well behaved and my main living areas are not Hoarder's worthy. We don't have to talk about the other areas. But I'm so effing tired that I can't hardly stay awake.
I wore DH's cpap machine to sleep last night so that I would not snore. I don't know if I really ever slept. I was in so much strain from the headgear that my head hurt all night. I kept waking up on my back. I usually sleep on my side. When I slept on my side I would wake up with my hands in excruciating pain. I tried to reorder my pain meds and it's too soon. I don't know if they'll let me have it this soon.
One of my son's therapists should be here to go swimming with us today. I do not want to leave the house. I want to go to bed. I want to sleep. I want to be alone.
I wish I had a personal goal to work on. I don't feel like a person. I was remembering how when my oldest was an infant I used to fantasize about driving off of the overpass of a new freeway. I never did it of course, but I would get on that freeway and half-dream of dream of just going too fast and flying off. I was trying to remember times that I have fantasized or considered suicide. I never get to the point that I would actually put the gun in my hand again, but I've thought about pills. I've thought about driving off a bridge. I'm so empty. Everything hurts inside and out.
And I feel guilty for my extreme whining because other people have real problems, real pain, real heart ache, and they don't whine about it like I do.
I can barely keep eyes open. Days are too long.
dea
I wore DH's cpap machine to sleep last night so that I would not snore. I don't know if I really ever slept. I was in so much strain from the headgear that my head hurt all night. I kept waking up on my back. I usually sleep on my side. When I slept on my side I would wake up with my hands in excruciating pain. I tried to reorder my pain meds and it's too soon. I don't know if they'll let me have it this soon.
One of my son's therapists should be here to go swimming with us today. I do not want to leave the house. I want to go to bed. I want to sleep. I want to be alone.
I wish I had a personal goal to work on. I don't feel like a person. I was remembering how when my oldest was an infant I used to fantasize about driving off of the overpass of a new freeway. I never did it of course, but I would get on that freeway and half-dream of dream of just going too fast and flying off. I was trying to remember times that I have fantasized or considered suicide. I never get to the point that I would actually put the gun in my hand again, but I've thought about pills. I've thought about driving off a bridge. I'm so empty. Everything hurts inside and out.
And I feel guilty for my extreme whining because other people have real problems, real pain, real heart ache, and they don't whine about it like I do.
I can barely keep eyes open. Days are too long.
dea
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