I\'m doing better today....
I know I don't want to stay with him...sometimes my family get to me...they guilt me into believing that I should stay. Its on days like that when I talk to them that I feel myself sinking..I begin to second guess myself and think there has got to be something wrong with me if everybody else thinks he is a great guy!! I know I deserve better and even if I have to be alone the rest of my life, it would be better then walking on egg shells never knowing when he is going to freak out!! I hate the days he is home...I think the reason I have been able to stay as long as I have is because he works evenings/nights so as soon as I get home from work he leaves and he is only home two days a week but those two days are usually hell. I spend them in my room with the door locked, watching TV. I think back to when we first got married...I had my daughter already...my mom wanted me to get married. She told me I had to do the right thing, I made my bed now I had to lie in it...no other man would want me...nobody would love my child the way her father would. I had to make things right so I decided to get married. I told so many people before that day that I didn't want to do it but when the day came I walked down that aisle..thinking the whole time this is only until my daughter is grown. I had to do what was expected of me but I gave it all I had..I tried so hard to be the loving wife. I was there for him through thick and thin...the first day he hit me I decided it was something I would never tell..I would live my life and let on I was happy. I only see my family 5-6 times a year so it was easy to put on that happy face. He only hit me that one time but it was enough to frighten me and make me realize what would happen if I didn't do as he wanted. I was scared and alone..I could never tell anybody..they would never understand...so all my life I have been doing things to please others...always doing what will make others happy..putting myself last so its hard for me to suddenly start thinking about me and doing what is best for me.....
Replies
Hello SAN (Startin anew )
Thank you for your kind words,I have just read your own journal.and have to say I am very very sorry you have had to go down that path ..when you knew all the time it was not the right one for you. It was not right for your parents either to propel you along such a path into the life you have and are still having .
I myself had a good childhood and my now ex H is a good man, but even so I do so feel it for you ...take these hugs and cuddles please and hold them close to your heart .
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((SAN)))))))))))))))))))))SAN))))))))))))))))))))))))
take care
Milly
xx
oh, honey...your story is like 99% mine...i did the same-put on the happy face and do my duty as a wife and mother. my ex was a firefighter, so he was gone every other day. the days when he was at work, those were my days to catch my breath and do fun things with my kids. then the next 24 hours were hell.
i know you can get out when you\'re ready. do you have a small bag packed, a little money hidden, in case you have to leave suddenly. i\'m sad knowing you\'re living with him. i also know that you are brave and a survivor. we ARE survivors!!!! you are stronger then you think!!
love you! (((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))) and prayers for you honey. love, nita :)
I\'m so sorry you\'ve had to live like this. I agree with Milly & Nita.
Sweetie, I think people try to guilt you into staying because your situation probably hits a bit too close to home to theirs. They also don\'t know what to do or say. I had a friend who had an affair w/my boss while she was still married. I stuck by her thru thick and thin. She knew some of what my life w/my then husband was like. But when I told her he was an alcoholic and I didn\'t want to continue to stay in the marriage because of that and the abuse, she encouraged me to stay with him because I was too old to start over!! And get this...she is 9 months OLDER than me.
I would never presume to tell you to stay or leave. I will say, please trust & follow your gut instincts. They will never lead you astray. Hugs!!!!!!
Thank you everybody for your kind words of support...they truly are appreciated!!
Hugs
Marriage is more then just living together. I feel your pain. Ya know, my stbx\'s family knows all about my situation. The problem is that they too live this way. Because they do - doesn\'t make the situation right. It\'s hard to break away from a pattern that exists in peoples minds. My stbx\'s family knew what was going on when I left. They knew I was physically and emotionally falling a part (I talked with them weekly, if not daily for 37 years!). Not one of them has made an effort to call me or check up on me to see how I\'m doing. Not one. I\'m in awh because of that. So my point is - what others think or feel about you\'re actions doesn\'t matter - it\'s what matters to you that\'s important. Oh, so important. You\'re trying to do what\'s best for you- and you\'re right in doing it. It is NOT good for you to stay. It doesn\'t matter what you\'re family thinks - it\'s what\'s right for you and your children.
You\'re doing the best that you can do right now, I know. My heart is with you and I hope for your sake that you keep moving in a positive direction. He is not. So you have too. Give yourself the credit that you deserve. Living with him and feeling this way is a terrible situation that you\'re in. You need to move forward and you are trying your best. I\'m so proud of you. You are a strong woman - you will make your way soon. Keep up the good work. Your friend.