I\'m doing better today....

I know I don't want to stay with him...sometimes my family get to me...they guilt me into believing that I should stay.  Its on days like that when I talk to them that I feel myself sinking..I begin to second guess myself and think there has got to be something wrong with me if everybody else thinks he is a great guy!! I know I deserve better and even if I have to be alone the rest of my life, it would be better then walking on egg shells never knowing when he is going to freak out!! I hate the days he is home...I think the reason I have been able to stay as long as I have is because he works evenings/nights so as soon as I get home from work he leaves and he is only home two days a week but those two days are usually hell.  I spend them in my room with the door locked, watching TV.  I think back to when we first got married...I had my daughter already...my mom wanted me to get married. She told me I had to do the right thing, I made my bed now I had to lie in it...no other man would want me...nobody would love my child the way her father would.  I had to make things right so I decided to get married. I told so many people before that day that I didn't want to do it but when the day came I walked down that aisle..thinking the whole time this is only until  my daughter is grown. I had to do what was expected of me but I gave it all I had..I tried so hard to be the loving wife.  I was there for him through thick and thin...the first day he hit me I decided it was something I would never tell..I would live my life and let on I was happy. I only see my family 5-6 times a year so it was easy to put on that happy face.  He only hit me that one time but it was enough to frighten me and make me realize what would happen if I didn't do as he wanted.  I was scared and alone..I could never tell anybody..they would never understand...so all my life I have been doing things to please others...always doing what will make others happy..putting myself last so its hard for me to suddenly start thinking about me and doing what is best for me.....