I'm back, let's get back on this horse
Lots of happenings here. Congratulations to all the new pregnant women. I pray for a safe and full term pregnancy for all of you.
Being away from the real world and the online world and taking a break has certainly given me time to grieve fully. It's also given my DH and I time to rekindle our relationship, not that it was broken before but we are closer than ever. Giving ourselves time to be on our own, and not be stalked by the monster that is infertility has given a breathe of fresh air in our marriage and we are having lots of sex! :D
With all the tests, ultrasounds and hormones flying around, I certainly didn't feel like doing anything down there. But this break has... well I'll leave it up to your imagine
Thinking about doing another IVF again still scares the crap out of me. I just started a new job, it's a contract role. I get paid way more but it's less secure so knowing how tired and stressed I got from doing IVF the first time (and I wasn't even working then!) I'm cautious and worried that I might not be able to have the stamina to do both. But I have to work, we need the money. We need the money to pay for the last round and the next one coming up. Woe is me. Woe is all of us.
So I'm thinking of training my body for the endurance. I don't know if it'll work but I've added 2 new items to my fitness regime. Pilates/Flexibility Training and Cardio/Endurance Training partnered with my already Weight Strength Training. It's a big feat, but hell if I don't try and train my body to keep pushing forward during times when I have a lack of energy I may not survive the next IVF cycle. Makes me laugh though, there are people out there training their bodies for marathons and here I am training my body for IVF. (If that's even possible)
We're thinking of June/July for the next one. I still have to go through the MC tests but I'm feeling hopeful.
Side story, I read a book recommended to me called "So Close" by Tertia Albertyn. Not sure if anyone else has read it. But it's a book about her infertility journey and its very inspirational and truly reflects her strength as a person. She went through everything that could go wrong in this IF journey and then finally after almost 5 years and 9 IVF cycles was able to give birth to and raise 2 beautiful children.
So it sounds like a nice story and I think it has helped a lot of people. But to be honest, I wish I never read it! It freaked the shit out of me. I mean 5 years, 9 IVF cycles!! Holy cow! It made me realise that shit I might on this fight for 5 years. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. It has scared me now. I don't want to be the weird statistic that it always go wrong for. I want to just have a baby on this Earth that I can raise as my child.
DH keeps telling me "Baby, that's her journey, not ours." But in the back of my head it dawns on me. I haven't yet finalised this journey. This journey is still going for me, I thought it was close to ending for us. I really did, but now the long dark tunnel is back and I don't know how long I'll be on this train for. What if it is 5 years later? Holy cow I don't even want to think about it right now. Don't even want to speak of it!
I know a lot of women are getting prego here and their fight is not over yet, I mean not until those babies pop out healthy. I pray for that for all of you. But I want to give a shout out to all those that are still fighting the IVF fight? Are there are any of you left?
Because, I kinda feel really alone and it scares me.
xx
Being away from the real world and the online world and taking a break has certainly given me time to grieve fully. It's also given my DH and I time to rekindle our relationship, not that it was broken before but we are closer than ever. Giving ourselves time to be on our own, and not be stalked by the monster that is infertility has given a breathe of fresh air in our marriage and we are having lots of sex! :D
With all the tests, ultrasounds and hormones flying around, I certainly didn't feel like doing anything down there. But this break has... well I'll leave it up to your imagine
Thinking about doing another IVF again still scares the crap out of me. I just started a new job, it's a contract role. I get paid way more but it's less secure so knowing how tired and stressed I got from doing IVF the first time (and I wasn't even working then!) I'm cautious and worried that I might not be able to have the stamina to do both. But I have to work, we need the money. We need the money to pay for the last round and the next one coming up. Woe is me. Woe is all of us.
So I'm thinking of training my body for the endurance. I don't know if it'll work but I've added 2 new items to my fitness regime. Pilates/Flexibility Training and Cardio/Endurance Training partnered with my already Weight Strength Training. It's a big feat, but hell if I don't try and train my body to keep pushing forward during times when I have a lack of energy I may not survive the next IVF cycle. Makes me laugh though, there are people out there training their bodies for marathons and here I am training my body for IVF. (If that's even possible)
We're thinking of June/July for the next one. I still have to go through the MC tests but I'm feeling hopeful.
Side story, I read a book recommended to me called "So Close" by Tertia Albertyn. Not sure if anyone else has read it. But it's a book about her infertility journey and its very inspirational and truly reflects her strength as a person. She went through everything that could go wrong in this IF journey and then finally after almost 5 years and 9 IVF cycles was able to give birth to and raise 2 beautiful children.
So it sounds like a nice story and I think it has helped a lot of people. But to be honest, I wish I never read it! It freaked the shit out of me. I mean 5 years, 9 IVF cycles!! Holy cow! It made me realise that shit I might on this fight for 5 years. I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. It has scared me now. I don't want to be the weird statistic that it always go wrong for. I want to just have a baby on this Earth that I can raise as my child.
DH keeps telling me "Baby, that's her journey, not ours." But in the back of my head it dawns on me. I haven't yet finalised this journey. This journey is still going for me, I thought it was close to ending for us. I really did, but now the long dark tunnel is back and I don't know how long I'll be on this train for. What if it is 5 years later? Holy cow I don't even want to think about it right now. Don't even want to speak of it!
I know a lot of women are getting prego here and their fight is not over yet, I mean not until those babies pop out healthy. I pray for that for all of you. But I want to give a shout out to all those that are still fighting the IVF fight? Are there are any of you left?
Because, I kinda feel really alone and it scares me.
xx
Replies
It\'s great to hear from you! Glad you and DH were able to reconnect during your break. I think he has a very valid point, that the author\'s journey is her own, not yours. You\'re definitely not alone. Have you checked in lately in our IF group? Let all of these fabulous women be here to support you :)
You aren\'t alone in that you\'re still on the IVF journey, trust me! I always felt that way too until I started or jumped into the monthly IVF discussions. Trust me, I know EXACTLY how you feel when you log on and see nothing but BFPs and happy news but I promise there are plenty of ladies in your shoes.
I\'m so glad you\'re jumping back in, and your husband is right - that lady\'s journey is not yours! You already know that your body can get pregnant, you just haven\'t had the magic embryo transferred yet. This is going to be your lucky cycle, I just know it! Big hugs friend, I\'m so happy to see you again :)
I am glad you are back. I took a very, very long break from DS after my loss, too - you do what you need to do, to heal. but you are not alone - we share your fears and your hopes. We are all with you while you go through this. I was terrified to start my 2nd round of IVF - like could not sleep, could not eat, could not think kind of scared. b\'c the fact is, there is NO sure thing and, as we know, we could get so close but yet still be so far.
what I do know is this - you can\'t give up. As long as you have the desire to fight, you FIGHT! we are all your soldiers, here for you along the way.
I am STILL fighting the fight friend! *HUG!!! We are doing an IUI this month and if that doesn\'t work Aug/Sept will be a fresh cycle IVF for us.
I too have read Tertia Albertyn\'s story. I was so rivited that I read the entire thing in one sitting and was just sobbing while I was reading about her journey. Your hubby is correct! It\'s her story NOT yours:0) Try not to focus on what went wrong and what went right and how long it took to get to that point in her world. Your story being written will be different because it\'s yours and no one else\'s *HUG!!! I was so taken with Tertia\'s infertility accounts that I did more research and I came across her blog. That amazing woman has an extra happy endings that isn\'t in her book because it had not happened yet at that time. After she had her beautiful twins, a few years later she got pregnant NATURALLY and had a little boy (After ALL that heart & soul crushing drama we read about in her book!!) God works in mysterious way indeed!
Thank you women dearly! @ tntpetal, let\'s do this together! FTW :D