I'm a Total Mess

I've been a total mess since the beginning of this week. Even my therapist is wondering what the hell happened, since she has commented on the fact that I've shown signs of improving. She almost looked as if she was going to cry. I think she may give up on me as well, since I has literally wasted her time. I even told my good friend Kyle who have always been there for me to get lost. Got so scared when Kyle heard my shaky voice on the phone and he asked me,"What truly happened when Leon visited you?""He didn't just visit you and left you a 'gift' on the table""There is something else you're not telling me" 
How can I tell someone that I'm an emotional wreck who is willing to exploit their own body and friends for the sake of receiving affection. No matter how much I think about what happened on Monday, I find myself crying so hard to the point of vomiting. My chest pains have been escalating whenever I think about it. Even my Dad is wondering what happened. I'm scared of him or anyone thinking that I'm a whore. I know I'm not one but yet my actions feels that way.I know I'm not suppose to have hatred in my heart but I can't help feeling like a total let down. Damm it Leon!!! Just freaking burn!!!