I'm a horrible person!
My husband said he is so disgusted by me that he can't even look at me. For the first time EVER in our marriage, we are INTENTIONALLY sleeping apart tonight...and all because the subject of TTC came up. I brought it up. I'm an idiot. I knew better. I was all excited because I had read one of my DS "friends'" journal entries that talked about her doctor stressing the urgency of TTC when you are my "Advanced Maternal Age" as they like to say. I was trying to show that it is not just our crazy doctor saying this.
My DH said angrily, "FINE! Let's just start trying right now! Never mind that I don't have a job...can't provide for my family...(and on and on)" "This is the perfect time for you to get pregnant!" Which felt like a kick in the gut to me...I mean I SHOULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW!!! We WOULD HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS WHILE I WAS PREGNANT IF OUR BABY HAD NOT DIED!! HELLO?:!?!?! So, I said that...gently...that there really is no difference. We found out that he was losing his job right after we learned that we were expecting Matthew. So what. We trusted that God would provide another job and we weren't freaked out. (Well, I wasn't, I guess.)
So the stupid discussion went on...essentially, he ANGRILY agreed that we should TTC. I made a comparison of waiting to TTC that he was outraged by. Our doctor had listed risk factors that INCREASE the likelihood of miscarriage. She said that each month we wait to conceive past the age of 40 increases the risk...she said that smoking and/or drinking increase the risk (among other things). So, when my DH said, "If we wait 3 months and then get pregnant and, God forbid, lose another baby, I don't want you thinking it was my fault." So, I pointed out that the doctor said that each month increases the odds of losing a baby...just like if I suddenly decided to smoke or drink and then we lost a baby, he might think that my choices had played a part in our loss...because I KNEW the increased RISK and did it anyway. Seems logical to me...but he thought that was stupid, too.
Finally, after he launched into the whole thing again about how much stress it would be on him for me to be pregnant, I finally said, "Then I guess we just need to be grateful that Matthew died." That is what seems like the logical conclusion to me. (NOT THAT I WOULD IN A MILLION YEARS FEEL THAT WAY...just that it sounds like that is what HE is saying...) So, he is in a rage. I have never seen him so hurt or angry. He has concluded that I said that just to hurt him, but I said it just to make him understand what he is saying to me over and over and over. That is exactly what it sounds like to me. And, as much as it hurts him for me to articulate it plainly like that, that is what I hear every time he runs down the reasons of why it would be HORRIBLE for me to get pregnant right now...it is like hearing why it would be HORRIBLE for Matthew to be alive. THAT IS HOW MY HEART HEARS IT. WHY is it so awful for me to say that?!?!?
So, he is sleeping on Sophia's floor...and I am numb. My eyes ache because they want to cry, but I've been crying all stinking day. The lump in my throat hurts so bad! I am so done. I am done with all the stress in my life. I'm done with Sophia hurting all the time and not being able to help her. I'm done with the stack of medical bills. I'm done with hearing all the reasons that it is good Matthew died (NOT HIS WORDS, obviously). I'm done with dealing with Matthew being gone. I HATE IT. I'm SO SO SO ANGRY!!! I'm done with my sweet 12 yr old crying all the time over it too. It kills me to see her hurting and to know that it was my body that did this to her...to Matthew...to our family. I'm so done.
My DH said angrily, "FINE! Let's just start trying right now! Never mind that I don't have a job...can't provide for my family...(and on and on)" "This is the perfect time for you to get pregnant!" Which felt like a kick in the gut to me...I mean I SHOULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW!!! We WOULD HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS WHILE I WAS PREGNANT IF OUR BABY HAD NOT DIED!! HELLO?:!?!?! So, I said that...gently...that there really is no difference. We found out that he was losing his job right after we learned that we were expecting Matthew. So what. We trusted that God would provide another job and we weren't freaked out. (Well, I wasn't, I guess.)
So the stupid discussion went on...essentially, he ANGRILY agreed that we should TTC. I made a comparison of waiting to TTC that he was outraged by. Our doctor had listed risk factors that INCREASE the likelihood of miscarriage. She said that each month we wait to conceive past the age of 40 increases the risk...she said that smoking and/or drinking increase the risk (among other things). So, when my DH said, "If we wait 3 months and then get pregnant and, God forbid, lose another baby, I don't want you thinking it was my fault." So, I pointed out that the doctor said that each month increases the odds of losing a baby...just like if I suddenly decided to smoke or drink and then we lost a baby, he might think that my choices had played a part in our loss...because I KNEW the increased RISK and did it anyway. Seems logical to me...but he thought that was stupid, too.
Finally, after he launched into the whole thing again about how much stress it would be on him for me to be pregnant, I finally said, "Then I guess we just need to be grateful that Matthew died." That is what seems like the logical conclusion to me. (NOT THAT I WOULD IN A MILLION YEARS FEEL THAT WAY...just that it sounds like that is what HE is saying...) So, he is in a rage. I have never seen him so hurt or angry. He has concluded that I said that just to hurt him, but I said it just to make him understand what he is saying to me over and over and over. That is exactly what it sounds like to me. And, as much as it hurts him for me to articulate it plainly like that, that is what I hear every time he runs down the reasons of why it would be HORRIBLE for me to get pregnant right now...it is like hearing why it would be HORRIBLE for Matthew to be alive. THAT IS HOW MY HEART HEARS IT. WHY is it so awful for me to say that?!?!?
So, he is sleeping on Sophia's floor...and I am numb. My eyes ache because they want to cry, but I've been crying all stinking day. The lump in my throat hurts so bad! I am so done. I am done with all the stress in my life. I'm done with Sophia hurting all the time and not being able to help her. I'm done with the stack of medical bills. I'm done with hearing all the reasons that it is good Matthew died (NOT HIS WORDS, obviously). I'm done with dealing with Matthew being gone. I HATE IT. I'm SO SO SO ANGRY!!! I'm done with my sweet 12 yr old crying all the time over it too. It kills me to see her hurting and to know that it was my body that did this to her...to Matthew...to our family. I'm so done.
Replies
First, you are not a horrible person. A horrible thing has happened and your entire family is working through the grief of the situation. Adding in all the stressful things going on in your life and it is no wonder that this time bomb hasn\'t exploded sooner. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Perhaps DH is that upset because on some level perhaps you touched on something he was feeling deep down inside and not wanting to bring to the surface. It may not have come out right and may not have been the best time to put a voice to what you thought he was saying but in the long run those emotions had to let loose. Bottled up they will cause more harm than saying them ever will. Your DH feels bad because he can\'t provide for you and your family right now combine that with the grief of MC and it isn\'t surprising he is trying to run as far away as possible from TTC. Time, patience, and listening to each other will help you both through this stressful anf sorrowful time. Just keep communicating with each other. Don\'t let your relationship fall apart because of all this. Work together to make yourselves stronger. You are stronger as a team than as individuals. Stop worrying that a few months will cause your baby dreams to go away. We both may be looking at the end of our baby making days but the end isn\'t here yet. We still have some time so don\'t feel so cornered and pressured. All in God\'s time my dear not ours. One thing I would also say to you is put some of this in God\'s inbox. It is his work to do after all not yours and He is the only one who can do it. You need to live life to it\'s fullest and allow God the time to do his work. Always here for you to talk to. Be good to yourself and allow you and your entire family the time needed to grieve and heal. XO :)
Katrina, I\'m sorry that you have to go through all of this. Its all a very tough situation on you both. From an outsider I see two people who love eachother very much, who would do anything for their families. I can only hope that there is a reason why this is all happening to your family. Hoping something good will come out of it.
I understand How you feel about the fact that you would have been pregnant right now if you didn\'t lose Matthew. I wish I knew the right things to say to you. But I\'m here if you want to talk about this. I hope you have a better day today. Love, Crystal
Sending some love to you ... so sorry your night was so awful.
I am so sorry, I can\'t imagine all u are going through. I am just sorry that U are in this position. Sending tons of hugs and prayers for u during this difficult time. I have a wonderful devotion book called grieving the child I never knew by Kathe Wunnenberg. If u would like me to send u a devotion out of it daily I would be happy to do that. It may help some. I found it very helpful and over the last few years I have sent them to a few ladies here on DS. Just let me know
Jenn1307 said it so well. I think you hit a nerve with dh because he was subconsciously feeling that way & you made him face it. I don\'t believe he really means it anymore than you did when you said it - it came from deep emotional pain. I\'ll comntinue to send prayers your way. (((HUG)))
Thank you all so much...I definitely should not have translated what I FELT like he was saying into those words, as my DH is so broken right now, too. So sorry I did, as it caused a lot of pain for both of us. Oh well. It is behind us now. A lot of precious things came from it, and you are right...really we have to just put it all in God\'s hands. Where would I be without all of you?!? I know God brought me to the right place for this journey.
ah sweetie. I\'m so sorry. I\'m glad for your update that sounds like things got a bit better. It\'s rough. Things like this can shake and even shatter relationships because both of you are hurting sooo deeply and sooo badly and men and women deal w/grief and this loss sooo differently. I will be praying that you and him can hear each others hearts and feel the love you each have for each other.