I'm a horrible person!
My husband said he is so disgusted by me that he can't even look at me. For the first time EVER in our marriage, we are INTENTIONALLY sleeping apart tonight...and all because the subject of TTC came up. I brought it up. I'm an idiot. I knew better. I was all excited because I had read one of my DS "friends'" journal entries that talked about her doctor stressing the urgency of TTC when you are my "Advanced Maternal Age" as they like to say. I was trying to show that it is not just our crazy doctor saying this.
My DH said angrily, "FINE! Let's just start trying right now! Never mind that I don't have a job...can't provide for my family...(and on and on)" "This is the perfect time for you to get pregnant!" Which felt like a kick in the gut to me...I mean I SHOULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW!!! We WOULD HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS WHILE I WAS PREGNANT IF OUR BABY HAD NOT DIED!! HELLO?:!?!?! So, I said that...gently...that there really is no difference. We found out that he was losing his job right after we learned that we were expecting Matthew. So what. We trusted that God would provide another job and we weren't freaked out. (Well, I wasn't, I guess.)
So the stupid discussion went on...essentially, he ANGRILY agreed that we should TTC. I made a comparison of waiting to TTC that he was outraged by. Our doctor had listed risk factors that INCREASE the likelihood of miscarriage. She said that each month we wait to conceive past the age of 40 increases the risk...she said that smoking and/or drinking increase the risk (among other things). So, when my DH said, "If we wait 3 months and then get pregnant and, God forbid, lose another baby, I don't want you thinking it was my fault." So, I pointed out that the doctor said that each month increases the odds of losing a baby...just like if I suddenly decided to smoke or drink and then we lost a baby, he might think that my choices had played a part in our loss...because I KNEW the increased RISK and did it anyway. Seems logical to me...but he thought that was stupid, too.
Finally, after he launched into the whole thing again about how much stress it would be on him for me to be pregnant, I finally said, "Then I guess we just need to be grateful that Matthew died." That is what seems like the logical conclusion to me. (NOT THAT I WOULD IN A MILLION YEARS FEEL THAT WAY...just that it sounds like that is what HE is saying...) So, he is in a rage. I have never seen him so hurt or angry. He has concluded that I said that just to hurt him, but I said it just to make him understand what he is saying to me over and over and over. That is exactly what it sounds like to me. And, as much as it hurts him for me to articulate it plainly like that, that is what I hear every time he runs down the reasons of why it would be HORRIBLE for me to get pregnant right now...it is like hearing why it would be HORRIBLE for Matthew to be alive. THAT IS HOW MY HEART HEARS IT. WHY is it so awful for me to say that?!?!?
So, he is sleeping on Sophia's floor...and I am numb. My eyes ache because they want to cry, but I've been crying all stinking day. The lump in my throat hurts so bad! I am so done. I am done with all the stress in my life. I'm done with Sophia hurting all the time and not being able to help her. I'm done with the stack of medical bills. I'm done with hearing all the reasons that it is good Matthew died (NOT HIS WORDS, obviously). I'm done with dealing with Matthew being gone. I HATE IT. I'm SO SO SO ANGRY!!! I'm done with my sweet 12 yr old crying all the time over it too. It kills me to see her hurting and to know that it was my body that did this to her...to Matthew...to our family. I'm so done.
My DH said angrily, "FINE! Let's just start trying right now! Never mind that I don't have a job...can't provide for my family...(and on and on)" "This is the perfect time for you to get pregnant!" Which felt like a kick in the gut to me...I mean I SHOULD BE PREGNANT RIGHT NOW!!! We WOULD HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS WHILE I WAS PREGNANT IF OUR BABY HAD NOT DIED!! HELLO?:!?!?! So, I said that...gently...that there really is no difference. We found out that he was losing his job right after we learned that we were expecting Matthew. So what. We trusted that God would provide another job and we weren't freaked out. (Well, I wasn't, I guess.)
So the stupid discussion went on...essentially, he ANGRILY agreed that we should TTC. I made a comparison of waiting to TTC that he was outraged by. Our doctor had listed risk factors that INCREASE the likelihood of miscarriage. She said that each month we wait to conceive past the age of 40 increases the risk...she said that smoking and/or drinking increase the risk (among other things). So, when my DH said, "If we wait 3 months and then get pregnant and, God forbid, lose another baby, I don't want you thinking it was my fault." So, I pointed out that the doctor said that each month increases the odds of losing a baby...just like if I suddenly decided to smoke or drink and then we lost a baby, he might think that my choices had played a part in our loss...because I KNEW the increased RISK and did it anyway. Seems logical to me...but he thought that was stupid, too.
Finally, after he launched into the whole thing again about how much stress it would be on him for me to be pregnant, I finally said, "Then I guess we just need to be grateful that Matthew died." That is what seems like the logical conclusion to me. (NOT THAT I WOULD IN A MILLION YEARS FEEL THAT WAY...just that it sounds like that is what HE is saying...) So, he is in a rage. I have never seen him so hurt or angry. He has concluded that I said that just to hurt him, but I said it just to make him understand what he is saying to me over and over and over. That is exactly what it sounds like to me. And, as much as it hurts him for me to articulate it plainly like that, that is what I hear every time he runs down the reasons of why it would be HORRIBLE for me to get pregnant right now...it is like hearing why it would be HORRIBLE for Matthew to be alive. THAT IS HOW MY HEART HEARS IT. WHY is it so awful for me to say that?!?!?
So, he is sleeping on Sophia's floor...and I am numb. My eyes ache because they want to cry, but I've been crying all stinking day. The lump in my throat hurts so bad! I am so done. I am done with all the stress in my life. I'm done with Sophia hurting all the time and not being able to help her. I'm done with the stack of medical bills. I'm done with hearing all the reasons that it is good Matthew died (NOT HIS WORDS, obviously). I'm done with dealing with Matthew being gone. I HATE IT. I'm SO SO SO ANGRY!!! I'm done with my sweet 12 yr old crying all the time over it too. It kills me to see her hurting and to know that it was my body that did this to her...to Matthew...to our family. I'm so done.
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