I'm a hazard to myself.

Hello everyone! Hope you're doing well! You know what I've noticed? A lot of the time, my smiley is always yellow. Numb. I just stay in that altered state. I don't even know anymore. This journal is gonna be really weird, just warning you all. I'm seriously out of it. My throat is KILLING me. I have a physical tomorrow. In a way I don't want the doctor to notice anything is wrong with in side of me, but I do want her to because then I will have a fighting chance to save me. I won't feel like shit. But I don't look sick. When I was anroexic and udnerweight and emaciated I didn't even fucking WANT help but I got it. Now I'm bulimic and normal weight and I DO want help, but can't get it. I will never. I am death walking. I hang over the toilet EVERY DAY without fail. I self injure more nad more. I want to die. My mom told me Aleve hurts your kidneys sometimes even if you take only one and it gave me ideas. I am so done. If the doctor doesnt say anything tomrrow about my throat or knuckles or something I don't kno0w what I will do. Maybe this isnt even affecting my body and I'm just a cry baby. I am so fat yo  should see me. It's gross I'm like a blimmp excpet I can't fly because I'm too fat to leave teh ground. I miss D.  =( I don't know what to do.