I love you

My Darling Dick,
Today is so bad. I have to get myself up and take care of King. He is my bff & he needs to have that leg looked at. I don’t want to leave this room. I got up, fed & medicated King, fixed some instant oatmeal and brought it back here. I am afraid because I am not moving forward. It was 7 months on the 15th that you left me. Actually on the 14th. That’s not the date on your death certificate but the night of the 14th you spoke your last words to me. Flag day.  I remember taking the flag down before I left for the hospital.  I knew that you just had an infection & would be coming home with me. I go out on Sundays to church and have breakfast with Candy on Tuesdays. I am making a friend at church but she is very ill. She needs a liver. Why do I gravitate to the needy? I need to do the inventory for probate. I want to have this all behind me but just can’t force myself to do things that put me closer to having to leave our home. For 30 years I’ve believed it to be the most beautiful place on earth. It’s not so pretty now that you and Mom have left. Megan too. Our 165 acres went down to 101 a couple of years ago. You know how much that hurt us. Now I will be selling even more. Along with our home, barn & your shop. King is old. I am getting old. I have so many decisions to make. Next month I will be signing up for Medicare & have to select a plan D. I miss you more each day. The mornings are the worst. Usually it’s late afternoon before I am ready to take on the day. Guess I should just go with my nocturnal self. Sleep all day…. Work all night. I am so alone & scared. I’ve always been so strong and self reliant. What happened to me? I know all the things I need to do. Why can’t I do them? I spend my days & nights crying or getting lost in stupid TV shows. I need my friends but they are all 2000 miles away. I don’t want to call Clarke. He has enough on his plate. Candy really doesn’t want to hear. She thinks I should be over it by now. I am going to grief counseling the first Thursday of each month at the church & every Sunday evening I go to GriefShare. I pray. And then I pray. I just want you and mom with me. There are days I just want to go to bed and not wake up so that I can be with you. For the first time in 7 months I gave myself a real manicure. I lightened my hair just a little. I know that you would like it lighter. I really am trying honey. I want you and mom to be proud of me. I want this horrible pain to stop. King just got up & is having a hard time walking again so will go get ready to take him over to Kipp’s. He will take care of your fur baby. I love you. I am only half a person without you. I need you to hold me tight. To tell me everything is going to be OK. Wish me luck in getting King into the wagon. I will check in with you later my love, V