I lose it!
Yesterday I lost it. It was bound to happen as I have been keeping so much inside. I have been so strong and have not really totally broken down since this happened.
Yesterday my Dad who is 81 and has cancer (he lives with me but we are not close) asked me why I was going to church. I really don't know why but I just lost it - I shouted and screamed 'Why do you think - My son is dead - I am going through the most intense grief anyone can go through and I have been getting up every day, doing the laundry, taking care of you - maybe I will get some help and support at church etc etc. I was horrified at the intensity of my anger and emotions and he did not deserve that.
Afterwards I felt terrible and apologised and tried to explain that I have been bottling up my emotions. He told me I should be angry at Toby and 'curse his memory', he then told me that I should just accept it and get on with my life.
I was hoffified that he could say such things and I started defending Toby saying he must have been mentally ill. It was awful. I am so ashamed to say I don't like my Dad. I love him because he is my Dad but as soon as I grew up to be ayoung woman he couldn't handle it and he has always been so reserved and doesn't think people should show emotions. His Mom died when he was 15 and hid Dad was not emotional.
It felt so horrible, then I went to church and there was a baptism and there were lots of families with little boys and I just looked at them and thought of my Toby when he was a happy innocent little boy. What went wrong that he would end up killing himself. He was such a happy child, although he was always very strong willed.
I just hate my life at the moment but I know I have the power to change it and one year from now my life could be very different. I am so alone, not one friend called yesterday and I had to call the bereaved parents support line for support.
I did not get much comfort from church, I don't think that is the right church for me - I must find another one. All I could think of was that Toby was never baptised, so does that mean he is not in heaven with God?
We had a non-religious ceremony for Toby as he as not a church goer and I don't know if he believed in God - we had never talked about it.
He was cremated and I have his ashes but I want to scatter them on the beach near where we live, as I feel he should be set free and returned to the earth.
Something that bothers me is that he will have no grave, nowhere for anyone to go and sit and see his passing recorded on a stone. I could have a stone made and we could put it in the garden, I just don't know. There is no where for his friends to go and visit. I pray God will guide me to the right thing to do.
I went to choir last night and that is the only two hours in the week where I do not think of my pain and I am signing and learning and the choir have no idea abut my pain as I joined the week before Toby went and no one knows anything about me. It is a blessed relief as for 2 hours I can just me a normal 55 year old woman, not a sad person blighted by tragedy.
I know the journey ahead is so long and hard, but I have to embrace and accept the challenge.
So many beautiful friends on DS and FMO have reached out their hands and their hearts and i can honestly say that without you I would feel totally alone as I have no one around to go through this with me apart from you.
I know God guided me to this site to help me. I also find it helps to write about how I'm feeling and it helps to know that I am just human and if I didn't feel all these emotions I wouldn't be a caring mother.
I miss Toby so much, I love him so much, I miss the sound of his voice on the phone, the text messages, the thought of never feeling my arms around him ever again is unbearable.
I did wash all his clothes and gave most of them to Oxfam. I kept a few shirts and his jacket is hung on the coat pegs near the front door with his glasses in the pocket. I worried because he did not have his glasses on when he was cremated, but I guess where he is now his eyesight will be perfect.
I miss you my beautiful boy, I'll always love you. I am trying to understand why you left. Please stay close to me and let me know you love me too.
Yesterday my Dad who is 81 and has cancer (he lives with me but we are not close) asked me why I was going to church. I really don't know why but I just lost it - I shouted and screamed 'Why do you think - My son is dead - I am going through the most intense grief anyone can go through and I have been getting up every day, doing the laundry, taking care of you - maybe I will get some help and support at church etc etc. I was horrified at the intensity of my anger and emotions and he did not deserve that.
Afterwards I felt terrible and apologised and tried to explain that I have been bottling up my emotions. He told me I should be angry at Toby and 'curse his memory', he then told me that I should just accept it and get on with my life.
I was hoffified that he could say such things and I started defending Toby saying he must have been mentally ill. It was awful. I am so ashamed to say I don't like my Dad. I love him because he is my Dad but as soon as I grew up to be ayoung woman he couldn't handle it and he has always been so reserved and doesn't think people should show emotions. His Mom died when he was 15 and hid Dad was not emotional.
It felt so horrible, then I went to church and there was a baptism and there were lots of families with little boys and I just looked at them and thought of my Toby when he was a happy innocent little boy. What went wrong that he would end up killing himself. He was such a happy child, although he was always very strong willed.
I just hate my life at the moment but I know I have the power to change it and one year from now my life could be very different. I am so alone, not one friend called yesterday and I had to call the bereaved parents support line for support.
I did not get much comfort from church, I don't think that is the right church for me - I must find another one. All I could think of was that Toby was never baptised, so does that mean he is not in heaven with God?
We had a non-religious ceremony for Toby as he as not a church goer and I don't know if he believed in God - we had never talked about it.
He was cremated and I have his ashes but I want to scatter them on the beach near where we live, as I feel he should be set free and returned to the earth.
Something that bothers me is that he will have no grave, nowhere for anyone to go and sit and see his passing recorded on a stone. I could have a stone made and we could put it in the garden, I just don't know. There is no where for his friends to go and visit. I pray God will guide me to the right thing to do.
I went to choir last night and that is the only two hours in the week where I do not think of my pain and I am signing and learning and the choir have no idea abut my pain as I joined the week before Toby went and no one knows anything about me. It is a blessed relief as for 2 hours I can just me a normal 55 year old woman, not a sad person blighted by tragedy.
I know the journey ahead is so long and hard, but I have to embrace and accept the challenge.
So many beautiful friends on DS and FMO have reached out their hands and their hearts and i can honestly say that without you I would feel totally alone as I have no one around to go through this with me apart from you.
I know God guided me to this site to help me. I also find it helps to write about how I'm feeling and it helps to know that I am just human and if I didn't feel all these emotions I wouldn't be a caring mother.
I miss Toby so much, I love him so much, I miss the sound of his voice on the phone, the text messages, the thought of never feeling my arms around him ever again is unbearable.
I did wash all his clothes and gave most of them to Oxfam. I kept a few shirts and his jacket is hung on the coat pegs near the front door with his glasses in the pocket. I worried because he did not have his glasses on when he was cremated, but I guess where he is now his eyesight will be perfect.
I miss you my beautiful boy, I'll always love you. I am trying to understand why you left. Please stay close to me and let me know you love me too.
Replies
Honey be gentle to yourself. You are allowed to mourn your loss. I have 3 boys. One is on active duty in Afghanistan. It is all still so new for you and you have been numb. Please do not be hard on yourself when you lose it...it is not losing it, it is missing someone you love dearly, feeling the pain of that loss. You are a mother. Others will forgive you if you get angry, cry. It is okay. I can only imagine the pain that you are going through but with 3 precious boys of my own I am so grateful to have them. I wish I could hold you and comfort you. Just know that you have many who understand and be gentle. I pray that you feel comfort and the love of our Father. That you feel His precious love wrap you up and guide you through the coming weeks. That He gives you peace and comfort in your loss. That you feel the love of friends who understand and seek to just hear you as you talk about your boy and your memories. He will never be forgotten.
Beautiful stated. I remember when I lost my son, I had many of the same feelings...will he go to heaven? since he was cremated, a stone, scatter the ashes? We will always miss them. Even in your pain I see and feel hope in your statements for the future...you are helping yourself by your statements of realizing that this will take time, patience and being gentle with yourself.
Take care of you,
AnnM
I wish I had let it out at my mom and my brothers,,maybe they would treat me better now. Please go and search out another church, one you feel welcome and comfortable. peace to your heart, Nora
OK, you lost it. You vented and released some of the pent up energy that you\'ve been carrying around in your heart. It\'s OK. You apologized to your dad. Both of these things were needed, so let go of any further guilt you may have for the outburst. Keep in mind that your dad is of a different mindset than you are and most likely will never change his way of thinking. At 81, I just don\'t see it happening.
I have heard several moms whose children crossed due to suicide state that they were angry with their children...I can see where one would feel that way, at least for a period of time. However, \"curse his memory\" is about as far out of line as it could possibly get! And to be honest, it infuriates me that your dad would say such a cruel and a vile thing to you. Your dads life issues and choices have brought him to where he is....good or bad...he is who he is. You are doing a wonderful thing to care for your dad in his last years on this earth, and so long as it is possible, I think you should. BUT, when/if it becomes impossible, you MUST do what is best for YOU.
Only you can know if finding a new church is best for you...I think perhaps visiting several over the next few months might be a good plan??
As far as Toby not having a cemetery stone/marker, etc. one thing I can suggest is having something made that you can place in your own garden...as you mentioned. I did this myself, even though I did bury Kala\'s body and she has a public cemetery, I knew I needed a space that was just for me, a place I didn\'t have to share with anyone unless I wanted to. It will go with me whenever I move. It works for me.
I think scattering his ashes on the beach sounds lovely and very special. If it has meaning for you and for Toby, then it is the right thing to do.
You will work out in your own spirit, by talking with SPIRIT, the truth that Toby is alive in Paradise. Not so much \"in\" as I am not one to believe in a \"place\" so to speak, but \"OF\", and \"IS\" seem to be better words. Toby is a part of Paradise/Heaven/Perfection/Perfect LOVE....etc. To say one does not enter LOVE because he was not baptisted does not rest peacefully in my soul. I believe Toby did all he was capable of doing while here to learn TRUTH. I believe he is still learning and now has an increased ability to see and reason and absorb and know God.
\"Curse his memory\"? No, never! Let all that Toby was, and all that Toby now is, remain a deep rooted connection to the power of LOVE which will allow you to heal and move forward in your life WITH Toby.
I tend to get long winded sometimes my friend...I apologize for writing such a long book of a comment!!
We\'re allowed our anger. Unfortunately you directed it at your father whose response to your apology was less than \"fatherly\". Remember you most likely have a lot of repressed anger toward him, I know all about this, my \"mother\" lived with April and me for a very long 2-1/2 years during which April\'s illness markedly worsened (had nothing to do with my \"mother\") and my anger toward my \"mother\" grew so enormous I prayed constantly for patience and forgiveness, it was pure hell. Suicide isn\'t a rational action; people who take their lives are under some sort of mental/psychological/emotional torment and they don\'t verbalize it. God does not turn away the souls who are tormented, regardless of whether or not they were baptized. I have my daughter\'s urn and have directed that it be buried in my casket with me. Perhaps you can plan to do that OR you can actually bury an urn, you know, so you can have a headstone and a place to visit as well as a burial place for yourself. Because an urn is usually tightly sealed, I think it can be disinterred and put into the casket of a loved one but you\'d have to check your local laws. Meanwhile you have YOUR LIFE to live and yes, it\'s hard, it\'s very, very hard. If that church doesn\'t work for you, find one that is full of REAL Christians but remember, God is always with you. He\'s carried me for almost six months and He\'s going to have to carry me for quite a while into the future.
I\'m so sorry friend. Family and often parents can be the most insensitive. I know you will find your way. It\'s so hard in the beginning and sometimes even after you think you\'re headed in the right direction, you may take a detour from time to time but you\'ll get there. Keep journaling and if you have the opportunity to go to a group meeting then do that to. One day your heart will lighten. Sending prayers for continued strength. Love Robin
What every one is saying is true anger is part of grief, it comes and goes on its own time. I have not decided what to do with some of Mikes ashes. Tara and I talked about spreading them in the water in the Keys where he loved to fish. I still want some of them close to me. I don\'t have a place to go, Tara has all the ashes right now. I just talk to him from my heart or send him words in my journals. Nothing is permanet so why should a place where he rests be.......
I have faith you will find your path, it is all in this journey we are on....
Hugs Penny
Sending prayers.
So many feelings swirling around and around. I lost it in anger many times during the very early stages of my grief. I would scream at customer service people on the phone. I got frustrated when they would say \"is there anything else I can do for you?\" and I would say \"my daughter is dead ~ bring her back to me!!!\" I screamed at the bank teller when we were making a final deposit to Corrie\'s account \"my daughter is dead ~ don\'t give me a hard time.\" I screamed at the movers who came to pack and then to load and drive the truck from Seattle to Vegas (we were in the middle of a move ~ now back in Seattle) ~ \"this is a house of mourning ~ my daughter is dead ~ don\'t give me a hard time!!!\" The list goes on and on.
Please be gentle with yourself and forgive yourself. Anger is part of grief, along with all the other confusing and unsettling emotions. I am sorry that you and your father don\'t connect emotionally ~ you are an amazing daughter to be caring for him despite everything!
I also regret not having one place that Corrie\'s friends can come. We still have her ashes in an urn in our house. We can\'t decide if/where/when to bury or scatter her ashes. Our lives have been kind of nomadic. My parents are buried in upstate New York where I grew up. My in-laws are buried in Westchester County, just north of NYC where my husband grew up. Corrie spent the first 12 years of her life in Manhattan, then came of age in Seattle and spent her final couple of years at Northwestern University in Chicago which she adored! We may scatter at least some of her ashes in Lake Michigan where her NU friends painted three rocks in her memory ~ that\'s the closest we have to a physical location ~ though it\'s nowhere near where any family members live! You will find just the right place ~ it sounds lovely to scatter at least some of Toby\'s ashes in a place that he loves.
It\'s wonderful that you have the choir as an escape and an outlet for your emotions ~ I still need distractions and escapes to focus on all day long, every day.
Hang in there ~ breathe in/breathe out ~ one step at a time.
Peace, blessings and love to you and Toby ~ Debbie ~ and, by the way, Toby\'s being is intact, nestled in God\'s heart, just as always!
It is so hard to understand how people can be so insensitive...I am so sorry that your dad has sad such harsh things. The one thing that I feel for sure is that your beautiful son is at peace, surrounded by love. And, it helps me to see my Alex that way. You are certainly need to feel what you feel. Some of those feelings are frightening...but work through them...there is hope for happiness in life again. Right now it feels impossible...but it will happen. Love to you my friend...keep journaling. Karen