I lose it!
Yesterday I lost it. It was bound to happen as I have been keeping so much inside. I have been so strong and have not really totally broken down since this happened.
Yesterday my Dad who is 81 and has cancer (he lives with me but we are not close) asked me why I was going to church. I really don't know why but I just lost it - I shouted and screamed 'Why do you think - My son is dead - I am going through the most intense grief anyone can go through and I have been getting up every day, doing the laundry, taking care of you - maybe I will get some help and support at church etc etc. I was horrified at the intensity of my anger and emotions and he did not deserve that.
Afterwards I felt terrible and apologised and tried to explain that I have been bottling up my emotions. He told me I should be angry at Toby and 'curse his memory', he then told me that I should just accept it and get on with my life.
I was hoffified that he could say such things and I started defending Toby saying he must have been mentally ill. It was awful. I am so ashamed to say I don't like my Dad. I love him because he is my Dad but as soon as I grew up to be ayoung woman he couldn't handle it and he has always been so reserved and doesn't think people should show emotions. His Mom died when he was 15 and hid Dad was not emotional.
It felt so horrible, then I went to church and there was a baptism and there were lots of families with little boys and I just looked at them and thought of my Toby when he was a happy innocent little boy. What went wrong that he would end up killing himself. He was such a happy child, although he was always very strong willed.
I just hate my life at the moment but I know I have the power to change it and one year from now my life could be very different. I am so alone, not one friend called yesterday and I had to call the bereaved parents support line for support.
I did not get much comfort from church, I don't think that is the right church for me - I must find another one. All I could think of was that Toby was never baptised, so does that mean he is not in heaven with God?
We had a non-religious ceremony for Toby as he as not a church goer and I don't know if he believed in God - we had never talked about it.
He was cremated and I have his ashes but I want to scatter them on the beach near where we live, as I feel he should be set free and returned to the earth.
Something that bothers me is that he will have no grave, nowhere for anyone to go and sit and see his passing recorded on a stone. I could have a stone made and we could put it in the garden, I just don't know. There is no where for his friends to go and visit. I pray God will guide me to the right thing to do.
I went to choir last night and that is the only two hours in the week where I do not think of my pain and I am signing and learning and the choir have no idea abut my pain as I joined the week before Toby went and no one knows anything about me. It is a blessed relief as for 2 hours I can just me a normal 55 year old woman, not a sad person blighted by tragedy.
I know the journey ahead is so long and hard, but I have to embrace and accept the challenge.
So many beautiful friends on DS and FMO have reached out their hands and their hearts and i can honestly say that without you I would feel totally alone as I have no one around to go through this with me apart from you.
I know God guided me to this site to help me. I also find it helps to write about how I'm feeling and it helps to know that I am just human and if I didn't feel all these emotions I wouldn't be a caring mother.
I miss Toby so much, I love him so much, I miss the sound of his voice on the phone, the text messages, the thought of never feeling my arms around him ever again is unbearable.
I did wash all his clothes and gave most of them to Oxfam. I kept a few shirts and his jacket is hung on the coat pegs near the front door with his glasses in the pocket. I worried because he did not have his glasses on when he was cremated, but I guess where he is now his eyesight will be perfect.
I miss you my beautiful boy, I'll always love you. I am trying to understand why you left. Please stay close to me and let me know you love me too.
Yesterday my Dad who is 81 and has cancer (he lives with me but we are not close) asked me why I was going to church. I really don't know why but I just lost it - I shouted and screamed 'Why do you think - My son is dead - I am going through the most intense grief anyone can go through and I have been getting up every day, doing the laundry, taking care of you - maybe I will get some help and support at church etc etc. I was horrified at the intensity of my anger and emotions and he did not deserve that.
Afterwards I felt terrible and apologised and tried to explain that I have been bottling up my emotions. He told me I should be angry at Toby and 'curse his memory', he then told me that I should just accept it and get on with my life.
I was hoffified that he could say such things and I started defending Toby saying he must have been mentally ill. It was awful. I am so ashamed to say I don't like my Dad. I love him because he is my Dad but as soon as I grew up to be ayoung woman he couldn't handle it and he has always been so reserved and doesn't think people should show emotions. His Mom died when he was 15 and hid Dad was not emotional.
It felt so horrible, then I went to church and there was a baptism and there were lots of families with little boys and I just looked at them and thought of my Toby when he was a happy innocent little boy. What went wrong that he would end up killing himself. He was such a happy child, although he was always very strong willed.
I just hate my life at the moment but I know I have the power to change it and one year from now my life could be very different. I am so alone, not one friend called yesterday and I had to call the bereaved parents support line for support.
I did not get much comfort from church, I don't think that is the right church for me - I must find another one. All I could think of was that Toby was never baptised, so does that mean he is not in heaven with God?
We had a non-religious ceremony for Toby as he as not a church goer and I don't know if he believed in God - we had never talked about it.
He was cremated and I have his ashes but I want to scatter them on the beach near where we live, as I feel he should be set free and returned to the earth.
Something that bothers me is that he will have no grave, nowhere for anyone to go and sit and see his passing recorded on a stone. I could have a stone made and we could put it in the garden, I just don't know. There is no where for his friends to go and visit. I pray God will guide me to the right thing to do.
I went to choir last night and that is the only two hours in the week where I do not think of my pain and I am signing and learning and the choir have no idea abut my pain as I joined the week before Toby went and no one knows anything about me. It is a blessed relief as for 2 hours I can just me a normal 55 year old woman, not a sad person blighted by tragedy.
I know the journey ahead is so long and hard, but I have to embrace and accept the challenge.
So many beautiful friends on DS and FMO have reached out their hands and their hearts and i can honestly say that without you I would feel totally alone as I have no one around to go through this with me apart from you.
I know God guided me to this site to help me. I also find it helps to write about how I'm feeling and it helps to know that I am just human and if I didn't feel all these emotions I wouldn't be a caring mother.
I miss Toby so much, I love him so much, I miss the sound of his voice on the phone, the text messages, the thought of never feeling my arms around him ever again is unbearable.
I did wash all his clothes and gave most of them to Oxfam. I kept a few shirts and his jacket is hung on the coat pegs near the front door with his glasses in the pocket. I worried because he did not have his glasses on when he was cremated, but I guess where he is now his eyesight will be perfect.
I miss you my beautiful boy, I'll always love you. I am trying to understand why you left. Please stay close to me and let me know you love me too.
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