I Lied Today And Ive Never Done Anything Like That Before

She came to get me and my massage therapist was out there talking to me (she thought I was an hour earlier) and we were talking to a girl looking for another therapist maybe in another office in the building.  I came in, quite a bit behind her because of it, and she said welcome.  I sat down, asked her how she was and told her it may seem like I don’t want to do the time line thing, I really do, but I have other things I want to talk about today.  She said that was OK we don’t have to do it today.  I did notice she had her guidebook sitting on her desk.  I told her I really wanted to go next door when I have to go to the bathroom and buy something.  I can do it, I know I can.  She said OK.    I started talking about my son calling me right after I got home on Monday.  I knew he wanted something and he did.  He first yelled at me for reading the postcard he sent his sister to my house and made fun of the little “midgets” at my grandson’s program.  But what he wanted to me to do is look up houses to rent, with certain criteria, in the northern part of the state.  I told her it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.  When my husband got home I told him that my therapist would tell me not to do it.  I do too much of his legwork.  So I passed it on to him what ever he wanted to do.  I think he did a little but whatever I’ll be blamed for it.  I read the postcards and the text he sent me after receiving my package to him (no money in it – I’ve given him enough).    Then I told her I wanted to go next door.  We got up.  She went way ahead of me to go in the hallway to put her coat on.  I wanted to say we need my extra bag of clothes with us but didn’t because I really knew I didn’t need them and she was already out the door.  I’m surprised she forgot.  So, we walked out.  I showed her the tin container of goodies someone left her on the chair (from the people they rent from).  I said how last year I was there when they left a plant for them.  Walking down the stairs I said how this is the first year in a while she’s been home for Christmas and not in El Salvador.  It’ll be different.  She said yes.  I asked her if she’s staying in town.  Yes.  Then on the way over we talked about her son because I asked her how he’s doing.  He’s in Peru now and going to some place with other friends that takes 4 days to get there (bicycling and such).  I said he’s as adventuresome as my youngest, maybe they know each other.  She chuckled a little.  They are the same age, I told her  So we got into the store.  I was surprised they didn’t have the cookies I was looking for.  At that point she asked me if I wanted to go back.  I don’t think it was because of the cookies.  I think she thought maybe I might have felt like I couldn’t stay (if I was going to have an accident) and gave me the opportunity then to leave.  I told her no and I asked her what she wanted.  She say nothing, she’s OK.  I told her to pick out something.  She said no, really, she just had a snack and she’ll only eat it if she gets something.  I told her to save it for later, still no.  So I asked for mine.  She got it and I asked my therapist again about getting one.  No, but I told the girl yes, another one in a separate bag.  She told me I’m persistent.  I looked like – yes I am.  I told her my friend told me yesterday he just had lunch in this place the day before but she didn’t say anything.  She stood kind of away from me again but a little closer than last time.  We got them, I paid and we walked out.  As soon as we got outside she asked me how I was doing.  OK.  Then she asked me if I wanted to go upstairs or down.  I told her upstairs.  I then changed the subject and asked her more about her son if he’s always been like that.  She told me no, not at all.  He didn’t want to leave them when he was little.  It’s been since college and the Peace Corps.  I asked her if she knows when he’s coming back.  No.    We walked in and up the stairs.  I lead this time all the way in, all the way up the stairs and into the office.  I went into the bathroom and she went into her office to wait for me after grabbing that tin on the chair in the waiting room.  We talked this time both there and back and that was good because I don’t like that silence.  But what she didn’t know is I could concentrate more because I really didn’t have to go to the bathroom.   I got back and she asked me how that was for me, how I did.  Fine.  That was great!  She also told me that I didn’t look, and I can’t remember the word, anxious or uncomfortable.  I shook my head no and then I told her, “I lied.”  She thought I had an accident and said something to that effect maybe about being uncomfortable or something – not changing, not how much - something.  “No, I’m not a good liar.  I didn’t have to go to the bathroom when we went over there.”  She said no wonder I didn’t look like whatever word that was.    I told her I was sorry but she didn’t make me feel badly about it at all.  I really thought she’d be mad at me.  She wasn’t at all.  I didn’t say but I think she knows it’s not like me to lie.  I didn’t even get the chance to tell her the reason I did that was because I wanted to be able to do it no matter what.  She asked me if it was good to go over there and be successful.  Yes, but I didn’t need to go.  I can go into stores and do that.  But she pointed out that it made it better - freeing, or put closure on it, from the last times I didn’t.  Yes, it did.  I told her that maybe next time I’ll be able to do it with having to go to the bathroom.  She nodded and then completely changed the subject in that instant.  That was good.  We didn’t need to talk about it anymore.  And she didn’t make me feel bad about lying.  That was very nice.  But to tell you the truth, I still feel bad about lying and don’t understand why she didn’t make a big deal about it and at the same time so very glad she didn’t!  She changed the subject by asking me how that felt that I passed that chore of looking up places to rent for my son off to my husband.  I said it felt really good.  Especially because I knew I had to look up about the encephalitis and that would be two things.  She said that was good.  So, the next thing I did was show her the pictures of my middle son’s girlfriend.  She said she’s really adorable and son my son’s little picture, too and thought that was really nice.  I commented about going to her parent’s party but we’ll talk about that next time.  I said how it’s so nice to have someone of the same kind.  She agreed for me.  I wanted to say I didn’t want to offend her because she isn’t but she seemed fine about it so I didn’t.    Next we talked about my daughter not being nice to me one night.  I didn’t say or react much but she kept looking over at me.  Finally she apologized.  Yesterday I had to take my grandson to school (well my friend took us because I didn’t have a car – breaks) and my daughter left saying, “Well, what’s for dinner tonight?  I feel like I live here.”  I said I know it’s hard for her with the 2 little kids.  But she does like coming over and it is like her home.  She’s been dizzy and wants to go to the Emergency Room and get all the tests taken care of at one time.  I told her unlike me – I don’t want to do that.  I stay away from that and the doctors.  She said that I don’t even go even when I should.  I told her I have to be pretty bad (knock on wood) to have to do that.  But my Mom went a lot and my daughter is a lot like my Mom.  Then I told her I got all my test results back and everything is fine – all within normal ranges.  The echo is stable but that’s OK because they are just watching the mytrovalve prolapse.  She said that’s great.  But I called to find out what do I do now – chiropractor, physical therapy, more tests?  I felt dropped.  First they said they can write a prescription for Tylenol.  No!  I’ve been taking Advil and this has been going on for 3 months.  Then she said they can write me a prescription for physical therapy.  So that’s what I’m going to do.  She was very glad I’m doing that taking care of myself.  I told her what my massage therapist told me last week after what we had talked about the Encephalitis.  She swears by chiropractors for her and her husband even for colds and then they only last 3 days.  I’m not so sure.  She said the spine is your core.  When babies develop they develop from the spine outward.  So when something is wrong, like a kink or anything, messages don’t get the brain correctly – she even mentioned kidneys.  I didn’t say but I’m sure she knew that might be for my bladder problem.  Then I said this was a good opportunity to tell her but I didn’t.  She said I will when I’m ready.  I said maybe I’m getting closer because, although I didn’t, I thought about it.  But nothing else.  Somehow (I think about my massage therapist and chiropractors) we got distracted and I stared to read to her my homework that I had to do to look up Encephalitis.  Half way through I realized I didn’t finish about the physical therapy and told her.  So we talked about my homework and then I went back to the physical therapy.  I told her I’m going to the same place I went before about 4 years ago.  Her physical therapy was on her knee and finger.  Mine was my back and may all still be related to last time.  But I remember it used to take about 45 minutes – and you know what that means.  She nodded, she understood what I was talking about.  And I asked about the first visit.   She said that can take longer than an hour.  She asked me what I planned to do.  I told her the first one is easy.  It’s for early in the morning and I don’t have to drink very much.  And, after talking I can go to the bathroom before they start anything.  But when I go for just the physical therapy I don’t know what I’ll do.  I do remember from last time going to the bathroom there pretty much.  She asked if it’s in there.  Yes but if someone was in there I’d have to go down the hall.    I told her what I remember is they do a massage, then a vibrating electrode thing and one more that I can’t remember.  But when you are getting this done you really can’t leave.  She said that maybe I can tell them, without having to tell them much about it, that I may need to go during and figure out what to do ahead of time.  I told her they’d tell me to go before.  She told me I wouldn’t want those bad feeling of needing to go and knowing I can’t “h” (I think she was going to say hold it) and then said that I can’t wait.  No, I wouldn’t.  But then I said that maybe in that time I won’t have to go at all – it’s about 45 minutes.  She agreed.  Then I told her about asking my daughter about MRI’s.  She had one on her knee and one on her back.  The one on her back was one hour.  She looked at me and said, “Well, then you may need to bring Big Bertha with you.”  I told her you may be just in a gown, I can’t do that.  She knew I meant they will see it.  “See!”  I said.  I asked her if she had MRIs.  She said yes and Cat scans but she doesn’t remember very much about them but thought they may have to inject dye.  Yes, probably.  Strange – she doesn’t remember.  Maybe she doesn’t want to remember the bad things about her cancer.  Or, maybe she had so much she doesn’t remember them all clearly.  So we decided we are not going to worry about that now.  We’ll cross that bridge later if we ever need to.  Good idea!  So now back to the Encephalitis research I did.  I thought this was from the Mayo that I printed.  And I went to other sites and wrote things down.  There are different types and some more and less severe than others but this is from all of them.  It’s in inflammation of the brain and spinal cord.  There were lots of symptoms and I think what I had was fever, drowsiness (it’s called sleeping sickness) and maybe headache – I don’t know I was little and can’t remember.  It did say vomiting but I remember instances but I don’t know if it was related to this or not.  I didn’t want to eat – only drank orange juice – so I did have the loss of appetite.  We went through the symptoms and she commented that they wre during the illness.  Yes.  It’s causes by insect bites transmitted to mosquitoes by birds.  Symptoms appear within a week to 10 days, the mortality rate is as high as 30% and it lasts 1-3 weeks.    It said that it was important to follow up with the doctor after initial treatment because certain nervous system problem can develop after what appears to be a successful initial treatment.  It talks a lot about muscle weakness and I take it as like muscle strength but it doesn’t say.  Also about signs in other organs and mentions the liver and lungs but again it doesn’t say other organs.  It also says permanent brain damage may occur in severe cases and did say about it affecting vision but didn’t say what.  I did find something about the retina but then I couldn’t find it again.  I said that I didn’t think it affect my brain.  She said no.  There were other things like speech, depression and lots others but we didn’t talk about them at all, I just read them.  I think she realizes they did not effect everyone in every way.  So she said it’s a wonder why my Mom reacted like she did.  Having a miscarriage and then having a baby who died and now this.  Things like this effect people.  When her husband was 2 he was in the hospital without seeing his parents a lot.  He fell had had an open skull.  He doesn’t remember much but sure it effected him.  Her Mom has polio at age 13 and it effected her.  She didn’t have any gait problems but was jealous of her sister who didn’t have it and could do things she couldn’t do.  It effected her personality and back then they didn’t talk about things.  Right.  Her Mom also had Rheumatic Fever and it may have affected her heart.  I said one of my Aunts (Mom’s sister) had that.  My Mom had Undulant Fever (about age 18) and my aunt came in from LA to help take care of them.  Then I told her I wanted to talk about the 2 parties I’m going to Friday and Saturday nights.  I couldn’t decide which first and chose the Friday night one.  First of all I'm not afraid of having to go to the bathroom because I know where all the bathrooms are there.  But, sometimes I feel like a no body.  My cousin is well known by lots of people and his wife taught, dances and they do performances.  My other cousin just got her doctorate and her soon to be ex (who is now gay) treats high profile sports figures.  My other cousin owns a very popular camp and his wife doesn’t work but helps at the camp.  I know I have my talents and don’t use them and feel like a no body.  My cousins 4 kids are so close and their Mom is so laid back.  Her sister can be a little snobby but I may ask her about her daughter who has the fear of throwing up too.  Maybe.  And my first cousin is so much like my Mom.  My therapist didn’t say much at all.  Just that the others learned not to be like my Mom.  Almost talking for nothing, just to be talking.    Then I talked about my friends party.  I needed to go to the bathroom but kept on talking.  I said how I just talked to my friend and her husband was screaming in the background.  Maybe he feels like I take charge, or control, too much.  I don’t know.  But my other friend who used to call me all the time doesn’t at all.  I don’t call people – she knows that.  But I feel like I’ve lost another friend.  I don’t think it’s me and I don’t know what happened.  Maybe because I’m friends with her brother-in-law.  But again she didn’t say much at all.  She did ask if all the people I go on the girl trip with will be there.  All but one – the one friend’s sister.  But they will for New Year’s.  About at 5 minutes I was really needing to go and I asked her how long it’s been.  She told me the 5 minutes.  I just went on.  But I did tell her I really needed to go this time – I’m not lying.  We laughed.  Soon I needed to go worse and I can’t really concentrate to talk.  She asked me if I wanted to go now and it’s been about 7 minutes.  I told her I wanted to wait another minute and for her to just to talk.  She just commented that I’m going to a lot of parties this year.  Then she said it’s been a minute and I told her I wanted to wait another minute.  Does she think I can do 1 more minute?  She asked me in return if I can.  I tried a few seconds.  “No,” I decided and went.    She earlier asked to copy the info I had.  I said if she wants to and if she can read it.  I write and others can’t always read my handwriting and sometimes I can’t.  I write fast.  It has the info on it and what I wanted to talk about today.  So she copied it while I went to the bathroom.  Later, in the middle of something I realized she might not have copied both sides and asked her if she wanted to.  She looked at the back side and I said there’s lots of info there, too.  So she did copy that just before I left.    When I came back I asked her where we were.  She said about the social aspect of the party.  Oh, yeah.  I said that I could act strangely to her but who I am I’ll just be my friendly self.  Again, to this one she just listened.  Not much feedback at all.  I’m not sure why.  Usually she says something to gets me to say more.  I feel like that in general sometimes.  I feel like I just talk about “things” or things that have happened.  But we don’t go deeper.  I think she wants to do that other stuff but we will.  It’s just other things happen in between times I need to talk about.    So we only had a few minutes left and I told her what I had was some things I found that I wrote long ago.  I knew we couldn’t get to all of it today.  One was a letter to my Aunt defending myself about my Mom when we were not getting along.  I looked at the clock and asked her if we have time for me to read it.  She asked me if I do and I decided to read that quickly because the other stuff have to do with my husband and kids.  They are all old from the 1990’s and early 2000’s.  With my husband and kids I still have the same problems but not as bad because my kids have grown up.  The letter I read quickly and it showed the kinds of things I had to put up with my Mom.  And it’s probably the only time I wrote a letter like this to her.  She didn’t say much at all but I know we had to end.  She did that a lot today and I can’t figure out why.   She looked in her book and said my kids are coming Saturday at 1 PM.  She asked me if I still wanted to come Monday.  I said yes, my physical therapy is early and I’ll be done by then.  I hope she didn’t say that in a way that maybe I didn’t want to come or she didn’t want me to.  Hopefully I’m just reading too much into things.  I asked her about the holidays.  No, she won’t be there next Thursday on Christmas Eve so I asked if I can come Wednesday.  She gave me 3 PM.  Then the next week she won’t be there on Monday so I asked for Tuesday.  She said 2PM (I think – she’ll write things down for me next time).  Maybe she’s having out of town company for Christmas but she didn’t say.  She will be there New Years Eve on Thursday.  So we ended and I left.    I went into my massage therapist and told her about my test results and the physical therapy I’m going to try.  We talked quite a while and she did say once about them worried and not wanting to treat that area if it was a blood clot.  “We” probably meant the other massage therapist and herself.  So she did the 10 minutes and then we looked at her trip pictures.  Then we talked a while after that.  So much that I looked out in the hallway and it was 4:15PM and my therapist was putting something away in the file cabinet.  I know she had a 3 PM appt but maybe not a 4 PM.  Don’t know if she knew I was still there or not – may have heard my voice.  She knows I do talk to her a while sometimes.  Or, maybe she thought I was still getting my massage.  But she knows not for that long.  It really doesn’t matter.  I did, before we looked at pictures, told her I was going to the bathroom first.  And she thinks I don’t want the MRI to be enclosed for that long.  It’s that but it’s also for having to go to the bathroom but I still can’t tell her that.  She’s going on another trip and we had once said how we switch off.  But she just came back from one.  “Take me with you!” I teased.  So I left telling her to have a great weekend.  I said when mine is over I’ll not have anything to do.  She took it as I can relax but I didn’t say, no – I want to be busy.  I hate it with nothing to do!  I feel so lonely and want to be with people doing fun things so badly!