I know my mom is crazy, but it still hurts.

My mom has mental health issues. That does not make her crazy. She survived essentially a serial rapist in her family because she wanted to save her younger sister from ever being hurt. That messes a person up. In my mom's case, it made her not ready to have kids. 

My mom especially was not eady to have a daughter and especially when she did have a daughter - just after a miscarriage. I was not wanted, and told this frequently growing up, as well as mony other things - including how much she hated me. 

It really didn't matter then and doesn't matter now how much I accomplish or what I do, what will always matter to her is that she did not want me or mean to have me. 

Today I talked with my parents. I had the tough talk with my parents about how it was innapropriate and irresponsible for them to continue to live on their own 2 hours away from their kids. My mom's responce? To tell me she hates me. To call me a bitch. To tell me she is never going to see her gradkids again and never wants to see me again. To tell me she doesn't love me and never did. Why? Because I told her that it was time to start making adult choices seriously. 

I can tell myself they are just words. I can blame it on her early onset alshimers. I can say she has always been mentally unsound. But In my heart I know she means those things. I know that no matter what I do or offer, she will always hate me. 

I was upset today after talking to her and expressed this to a friend. This friend responded in saying that she was just saying those things because I was putting pressure on her, and that I shouldn't listen to the words because she is just upset. Maybe I could if I hadn't heard them my whole life. 

Did you know to date my mother has never once told me she loved me. Never. I can't count even if I wanted to the amount of times she has told me she hated me or didn't love me. They are just far too many. 

I have forgiven my mom, and come to terms with her in many ways. I can listen to it and laugh at her and her emotons waisted on saying the things I can say for her. I can do all of that, but at the end of the day, it still hurts. 

Just because I understand why she is the way she is, or know how she is going to respond to me, doesn't mean I can stop myself from feeling. 

One day I will let those words roll off my back. You would think after more than 30 years of it I could do it by now... but I can't. It still hurts every time. 

When It comes down to it, I am still just a little girl crying in my room asking myself why my mother hates me, and trying to do anything I can to have her once say she is proud of me or wants me around let alone say that she loves me. 

Maybe I will be able to get over it after she dies..... isn't that a great thought.