I know.....

I know I need to be here, today, on DS.  I know I haven't been here in some time, but ultimately this is the place where I have found comfort before...good listeners, good friends, and compadres, before.  I thought I was doing ok, and in a sense I am.  For 2 years, my life has been amuck.  I have been trying to just get thru.  I work full time, take care of my kids, but yet, here I am still in limbo, still living with the ex bc the house, I know, won't sell.  We need to get it on the market, but it's most like not worth what we put into it and I don't have the money to pay extra on the mortgage.  I don't have the money to pay my lawyer.  I work like a dog and get paid nothing.  I have been looking for other jobs but they are on the off shift and I can't do that with 2 littles ones, so in a sense I am lucky, so lucky to have this job.  Meanwhile, I am lost...I am lost without my boys this week.  Their dad, who has the money, took them to the beach with the OW and her spawn.  I can't say a thing, he is their dad, and I have no right to dicate what he does...we are divorced.  Hell, evidently I couldn't dicate what he should do when we were married.  It just hurts, is all.  I loved the beach, that was our thing.  I can never "compete" with what he can give them.  And now he is trying to be "Disney Daddy" and do as much as he can with them.   It's just plain awkward living in the same house and doing that.  It hurts.  I don't know why after all this time but it does and I can't help the way I feel or change it.  I did take them camping (which is NOT my thing) on the weekend.  It was fun but I don't think they enjoyed it much....they had no kids to play with, except for me...lol.  That is why my kids like to go with the OW, her kids are roughly the same ages.  To boot, evidently my ex in-laws went...so officially she (OW) has taken over my life.  This upsets me bc I can't understand how my overtly Catholic inlaws can sit there in her company and not say something.  I know my MIL wanted to a year ago and didn't want her in her presence....maybe she figures it's not her life and why say something....IDK.  I can't understand why she sent me a Daughter in Law card with money for Mother's Day, to which I am technically not anymore, to breaking bread with the enemy, so to speak.  Part of me wishes we were still married.  I have lost me, part of me, some of me...I just don't know how much.  I dont' feel happy, ever, unless I am with my boys.  That is the tug on my heart strings, yet, I am overstressed with stuff.  I know I should be over it, I know I NEED to get over it, and for the most part I don't care what he does.  I know I NEED to figure it out...I just wish it still didn't hurt so much.