I just wanted a normal life.

I don't know if I will ever get what I need to be happy.
I'm all alone now. I had to let my boyfriend go to set him free... to let him have everything he wants from life. Everything I can't give.  
Life's become very real again and I can't seem to handle it.
I've been cutting again for a few weeks now... before we even broke up and I just have again. 
 
I'd be ashamed, I'm too old to be doing this, but I keep feeling things, seeing things and thinking things I don't want to think. And I'm just too weak to take it. 
 
A man came from my block last night, straight towards me. I was alone in the dark. He looked just like one of the men that hurt me... same fucking trilby, same walk, same build, same outfit, same narrow eyes and angular, features. For all I knew, he could have been just a man, but I had to stop. I just had to see if it was him. The moment he got close enough to tell, a shadow from the building beside me completely shrouded him and I thought I was going to die. 
Of course, all was fine. It won't have been him, it will have just been a guy in a hurry that looks just like him. But the fact that I had to watch him leave, all the way until he was gone, and it still wasn't enough to feel safe? God dammit I don't think I can do this any more. I want to live a normal life with a person who will love me for who I am, who doesn't have to understand because I'll be okay... I want everything to be normal but I wasn't ever allowed to find out what that is... how to do it, how to get it, how to keep it.
 
I hate all of you fuckers that ever touched me when you shouldn't have... who hurt me when I begged you not to.... You have all ruined my life, one after another. And if I can't do a thing about it, I don't think I want to do anything ever again.  
 
I'll never be able to be what someone needs, what someone sees as perfect or beautiful. I'll always be this fucking broken toy and it's all you faults. I just wanted to be loved... How could you... any of you, do this to another person? It's crushing. Every. fucking. day. And none of you even care. None of you will ever be punished the way I am for what you did. 
 
I think I'm done.