I Just Want to Cry and Scream- Trapped by My Own Skin
I'm so tired- I'm so absolutely, horribly tired. My skin just won't stop- as I write this I'm breaking out terribly around my face, neck and behind my ears- the base of my skull and behind my ears are the worst- they're crusting and weeping. On my face, the skin around my eyes is cracked and scaled- it's even bled from me opening them in the morning. I moisturize at night- I slather it on- but to no avail.
I've had eczema my whole life. It feels like it rules my life; I can't take it. I can't be a full time college student; I can't keep a job, I can't go out regularly, I don't have a good social life... I can't date...
Right now I'm on Cyclosporine.. The doctors were concerned that I was on too many tapers of steroids so they put me on it once before. When I took it back then, a few years ago, it cleared my skin. It was like a miracle. I'd never known what it was like to have my skin be what it should be; a barrier. a sturdy, elastic part of me..Not a detriment, a finicky and unpredictable enemy.
But this time, it hasn't helped. It hasn't stopped the breakouts; I'm so frustrated, sad, angry- I feel so helpless. Now when I go to doctors and they sit there talking to me like it's no big deal, like I have all the time in the world, I want to cry. I want to yell- I'm so pissed, I want to scream at them that my life has been on hold long enough, that this isn't something that's part time for me- it's stopping me from living! I want to shake them and make them listen; I'm not a girl with a patch of moderate eczema on her elbow or knee- this is my whole body, I suffer every day, and I can't stand it!
I'm sick of the horrible discomfort, I'm sick of feeling the tingle and heat and itching- God the unbearable itching that keeps me up at night. I'm sick of the weeping skin, the patches, the scabs and almost inevitable infections (no matter how careful I am). I hate the ugly purple marks, indented in my skin, that will never go away, because the steroids have caused a lost of elasticity in my skin that won't get better. I hate having to change my sheets every night because I shed so much skin.
I hate that I'm going to my cousins funeral next week and on top of the sadness of his loss I will be worried about being close to my relatives and his friends because of how obvious my skin peeling and flaking will be in the obligatory black...
I'm sick of being me.
I just want help. I just want someone to care.
I just want to be better. I want to have a life.
I've had eczema my whole life. It feels like it rules my life; I can't take it. I can't be a full time college student; I can't keep a job, I can't go out regularly, I don't have a good social life... I can't date...
Right now I'm on Cyclosporine.. The doctors were concerned that I was on too many tapers of steroids so they put me on it once before. When I took it back then, a few years ago, it cleared my skin. It was like a miracle. I'd never known what it was like to have my skin be what it should be; a barrier. a sturdy, elastic part of me..Not a detriment, a finicky and unpredictable enemy.
But this time, it hasn't helped. It hasn't stopped the breakouts; I'm so frustrated, sad, angry- I feel so helpless. Now when I go to doctors and they sit there talking to me like it's no big deal, like I have all the time in the world, I want to cry. I want to yell- I'm so pissed, I want to scream at them that my life has been on hold long enough, that this isn't something that's part time for me- it's stopping me from living! I want to shake them and make them listen; I'm not a girl with a patch of moderate eczema on her elbow or knee- this is my whole body, I suffer every day, and I can't stand it!
I'm sick of the horrible discomfort, I'm sick of feeling the tingle and heat and itching- God the unbearable itching that keeps me up at night. I'm sick of the weeping skin, the patches, the scabs and almost inevitable infections (no matter how careful I am). I hate the ugly purple marks, indented in my skin, that will never go away, because the steroids have caused a lost of elasticity in my skin that won't get better. I hate having to change my sheets every night because I shed so much skin.
I hate that I'm going to my cousins funeral next week and on top of the sadness of his loss I will be worried about being close to my relatives and his friends because of how obvious my skin peeling and flaking will be in the obligatory black...
I'm sick of being me.
I just want help. I just want someone to care.
I just want to be better. I want to have a life.
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