I Just want Him Back

Don't we alway these words, the tears still come yet as we know no matter we can't get them back. Does it feel like the cruelest thing one has ever felt. Does it make sense. No. Why the question Why never ceases. It is a punishment a mom does not feel she deserves.  The pain is sometimes not explainable as it changes NOTHING. Tears come. The Pain comes yet it changes nothing.  We all know each day is closer to our own death, but our child, no matter the age.  The whys are always there. Sometimes we get through days without the pain but it rears up its UGLY HEAD to strike us down again.  Just this past week how weird the thoughts are, I knew Ken had cancer. But just this week 5 years later my mind says MY SON HAS CANCER OR HAD CANCER. HOW how can that be!  What gets better NOTHING ONLY that we are faced to hold it in, not cry daily. In truth if we let our selves the Raw Pain is as Raw as that day. That day when we screamed with ever being in our bodies. NO NO NO. The pain is there.. I believe in truth we wear our Mask so long we have become our Mask. Yet we know in our hearts, we KNOW THE PAIN WILL ALWAYS BE THERE INSIDE OUR HEARTS, OUR MINDS OUR BODIES. WE WILL ALWAYS WISH FOR OUR CHILD.  HOW I WHIS TO HAVE MY CHILD BACK...I LOVE YOU KEN FOREVER AND EVER. MOM