I just want a little bit of my LIFE BACK......
People ask me everyday " How ya doin T"? I usually stick to the same old stand by answers " Fine" or "OK" or " I'm doing the best I can" Mostly because I don't think they would appreciate me taking up hours of their time by saying " Well have a seat and let me tll you how i'm really doing" what I really really want to say is.... " Well I feel like crap, I don't sleep, I don't eat, my hair is getting thinner and the only so slightly wrinkles I used to have has taken over my whole face and I feel worn down an beaten." Who wants to hear that right. I want to say " You really want to know ok,here goes I feel totally abandoned, rejected, pissed off, dumped, and left for DEAD!!!!!" Come on if I really said how I actually felt they would probably look at me with confusion and disbelief and say something like " Oh i'm sorry I guess" So I smile and say " FINE THANKS FOR ASKING"
I want just one day when I can laugh out loud with out tears that follow, or to actually sit and enjoy a meal without feeling like I want to throw up afterwords. I would like to watch a movie with Austin and not have him say" I wish dad was here to watch this with us don't you think he would like this movie mommy?" Then I have to put on my brave mommy face and say " Yah he would honey" I just want one day when I don't think about him and what he has done. It sounds so easy just do it right T not so simple. After sooooo many years together every aspect of my whole being was wrapped up in him. Just getting a stupid flat tire makes me scream I mean we all get flat tires or run out of gas but some how right now a stupid flat tire makes me go INSANE!!!!!!!Because it makes me feel even more alone like if he was here I wouldn't get the flat tire or something. Of course I would get the flat tire but I wouldn't have to deal with it all alone. Standing on the side of the street waiting for AAA to get there.
I also wouldn't have to deal with our beautiful Sammy who's our 16 yr old Cocker Spanial getting to the point where I have to let him go ALL ALONE, to see the hurt in my kids eyes is so painful and I know they will say " Mom please call dad" It's just alot to deal with I pray Sam gives me another few months maybe I will be stronger and be able to handle a little better. I don't want to cry anymore, I want to BREATH, LIVE, LAUGH, AND LOVE AGAIN. Is that to much to ask for?
I want just one day when I can laugh out loud with out tears that follow, or to actually sit and enjoy a meal without feeling like I want to throw up afterwords. I would like to watch a movie with Austin and not have him say" I wish dad was here to watch this with us don't you think he would like this movie mommy?" Then I have to put on my brave mommy face and say " Yah he would honey" I just want one day when I don't think about him and what he has done. It sounds so easy just do it right T not so simple. After sooooo many years together every aspect of my whole being was wrapped up in him. Just getting a stupid flat tire makes me scream I mean we all get flat tires or run out of gas but some how right now a stupid flat tire makes me go INSANE!!!!!!!Because it makes me feel even more alone like if he was here I wouldn't get the flat tire or something. Of course I would get the flat tire but I wouldn't have to deal with it all alone. Standing on the side of the street waiting for AAA to get there.
I also wouldn't have to deal with our beautiful Sammy who's our 16 yr old Cocker Spanial getting to the point where I have to let him go ALL ALONE, to see the hurt in my kids eyes is so painful and I know they will say " Mom please call dad" It's just alot to deal with I pray Sam gives me another few months maybe I will be stronger and be able to handle a little better. I don't want to cry anymore, I want to BREATH, LIVE, LAUGH, AND LOVE AGAIN. Is that to much to ask for?
Replies
I stuck to the same answers and still do. But then I live in a gossipy little town and no one needs to know how I really feel.
All these things you have trouble with I had to handle during my marriage and after the divorce. \"Him again\" would come change a flat for me.
I have had to bury two dead cats, my dalmatian I had for many years and now in the next year or two the horse that\'s been in my life for 28 years. That one is going to hurt. Even though I have a grown daughter she was no help at all and one of the cats was hers. I had a weak moment and asked the ex when it was time for the old horse to go would he come help. There was a bit of silence on his end of the phone and I said never mind. I\'ve buried all the others by myself; I can do this.
Then I had to deal with the then hubby\'s stupid jokes about the dog and cat passing away. He was overseas and missed all of these events in my life. He missed a lot of things as he was chasing around the world.
It\'s not asking to much to be able to breath, to live and most of all to laugh. It will happen one day soon. Slowly your troubles will seem small and one day you will realize you just laughed again and how good that laugh felt.
Austin will quit wishing daddy is there. At least out loud and you both will make a life for yourselves with very little of the ex in it. It will just take work and some time but you will get all those things back in your life again.
Thank you so much Trisha for all your great advice. I know sometimes it sounds like i\'m wollowing in self pity it\'s just well, THIS JUST SUCKS. This is not what my life was supposed to be like at 45 ya know. I do appreciate you taking the time to send me a message.
I know how you feel because I am still dealing with a lot of these emotions. I am lucky because I have a few friends that I will dump on daily. I also see my therapist weekly and talk to her. Journaling my feelings help as well.My stbx traveled much of our marriage so I am comfortable with being alone.I have called AAA for years. It takes time. You will be comfortable again.
I also,had to put my 8 year old cat to sleep last year after he told me he was leaving. It was hard to deal with,but I got through it. Being an only child
I always treated my animals as if they were part of the family.They were my brothers and sisters.
My children and I are becoming a family.My daughter hasn\'t seen my stbx in a year. My son rarely sees him.
It does suck but it will get better!
Happy Mother\'s Day to you!
:) Maggie
Thanks Maggie HAPPY MOTHER\'S DAY TO YOU TOO!!!!!!!!!
Make it a great one k
hugs and prayers always T