I just want a little bit of my LIFE BACK......
People ask me everyday " How ya doin T"? I usually stick to the same old stand by answers " Fine" or "OK" or " I'm doing the best I can" Mostly because I don't think they would appreciate me taking up hours of their time by saying " Well have a seat and let me tll you how i'm really doing" what I really really want to say is.... " Well I feel like crap, I don't sleep, I don't eat, my hair is getting thinner and the only so slightly wrinkles I used to have has taken over my whole face and I feel worn down an beaten." Who wants to hear that right. I want to say " You really want to know ok,here goes I feel totally abandoned, rejected, pissed off, dumped, and left for DEAD!!!!!" Come on if I really said how I actually felt they would probably look at me with confusion and disbelief and say something like " Oh i'm sorry I guess" So I smile and say " FINE THANKS FOR ASKING"
I want just one day when I can laugh out loud with out tears that follow, or to actually sit and enjoy a meal without feeling like I want to throw up afterwords. I would like to watch a movie with Austin and not have him say" I wish dad was here to watch this with us don't you think he would like this movie mommy?" Then I have to put on my brave mommy face and say " Yah he would honey" I just want one day when I don't think about him and what he has done. It sounds so easy just do it right T not so simple. After sooooo many years together every aspect of my whole being was wrapped up in him. Just getting a stupid flat tire makes me scream I mean we all get flat tires or run out of gas but some how right now a stupid flat tire makes me go INSANE!!!!!!!Because it makes me feel even more alone like if he was here I wouldn't get the flat tire or something. Of course I would get the flat tire but I wouldn't have to deal with it all alone. Standing on the side of the street waiting for AAA to get there.
I also wouldn't have to deal with our beautiful Sammy who's our 16 yr old Cocker Spanial getting to the point where I have to let him go ALL ALONE, to see the hurt in my kids eyes is so painful and I know they will say " Mom please call dad" It's just alot to deal with I pray Sam gives me another few months maybe I will be stronger and be able to handle a little better. I don't want to cry anymore, I want to BREATH, LIVE, LAUGH, AND LOVE AGAIN. Is that to much to ask for?
I want just one day when I can laugh out loud with out tears that follow, or to actually sit and enjoy a meal without feeling like I want to throw up afterwords. I would like to watch a movie with Austin and not have him say" I wish dad was here to watch this with us don't you think he would like this movie mommy?" Then I have to put on my brave mommy face and say " Yah he would honey" I just want one day when I don't think about him and what he has done. It sounds so easy just do it right T not so simple. After sooooo many years together every aspect of my whole being was wrapped up in him. Just getting a stupid flat tire makes me scream I mean we all get flat tires or run out of gas but some how right now a stupid flat tire makes me go INSANE!!!!!!!Because it makes me feel even more alone like if he was here I wouldn't get the flat tire or something. Of course I would get the flat tire but I wouldn't have to deal with it all alone. Standing on the side of the street waiting for AAA to get there.
I also wouldn't have to deal with our beautiful Sammy who's our 16 yr old Cocker Spanial getting to the point where I have to let him go ALL ALONE, to see the hurt in my kids eyes is so painful and I know they will say " Mom please call dad" It's just alot to deal with I pray Sam gives me another few months maybe I will be stronger and be able to handle a little better. I don't want to cry anymore, I want to BREATH, LIVE, LAUGH, AND LOVE AGAIN. Is that to much to ask for?
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